What I learnt from a relationship expert at dating school

I WAS sick of swiping away on Tinder and getting “what’s doing” messages at 9pm on a Wednesday. So I took myself to dating school.

AS ONE of the last standing single ladies in the news.com.au office, I was offered the opportunity to attend a dating school.

Not. Offended. At. All.

If you’re anything like me — a lost soul wandering aimlessly through the dating world — you’ll be familiar with the mixed messages and long set of rules that come with going on a date.

This confusion is amplified by the fact that we don’t seem to have a proper dating culture in Australia anymore.

When I quizzed other singles about the last time they went on a PROPER date, it was a struggle to extract an answer. (Note: A text from someone asking “Netflix and chill?” or “What’s doing?” after 9pm on a weekday is NOT a date).

When I ask dating advice from family and friends I get bombarded with a range of responses. The (mostly terrible) advice usually includes stuff like:

1. Don’t message him for at least 2 hours and 20 minutes after every text or you will look desperate

2. Win his affection by being absolutely horrible to him. It will make him want you more

3. You need to train him to be the man you want and only reward him when he does good things. (Sorry, WHAT? Men are not dogs).

4. If he swallows a lot while talking then he is probably lying. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE.

Personally, it all just goes into one big pile of WTF. So I thought, maybe dating school wouldn’t be so bad.

Here’s what I learnt from eHarmony’s dating coach Mel Schilling:

1. There is no such thing as a man drought

OK, great start. Application from First Dates withdrawn.

2. There is no such thing as a numbers game. Just because you go out with loads of people doesn’t necessarily mean you’re any closer to finding the one

So the 14056490583908503 guys I’ve swiped left or right to on Tinder doesn’t give me any less of a chance.

3. Throw out your ‘rule books’

Present who you really are from the get-go. If someone doesn’t like you for the person you are at the beginning, why would they like you after a few months of playing hard to get?

Playing hard to get is the equivalent of a fad diet. It doesn’t work.

They are going to end up seeing the real you in the end anyway. Trust your judgment, there is no need to manipulate someone into dating you.

4. Can you have sex on (or before…..) the first date?

I asked this one for a friend, obviously.

There are no set rules and it shouldn’t be a deal breaker.

You do need to go with what you feel, but the decision should revolve around what your values are, what you are looking for and what you want for yourself.

As much as I hate to admit it, sex on the first date is laden with valued judgments. Yes, s*** shaming is real and is still a terrible double standard.

If your most important values are pleasure and sexuality — then channel your inner Samantha Jones and get your freak on.

But if you are looking for someone long term, then getting to know the other person’s values first is a safer idea.

5. There is an actual thing called healthy dating pyramid

Think of the food pyramid: We’re supposed to have the most tempting foods in small doses and larger doses of the good stuff. It’s the same with dating habits.

At the top of the pyramid, you will find tactics.

These are the most visible and annoying parts of dating — like debating how long you’ll wait before texting back, deciding what to write in the first place, deciding what to wear, etc.

The stuff at the bottom of the pyramid is where we should actually be spending most of our time — learning to love yourself first. (Who would have thought that Justin Bieber is also a dating guru?)

One common issue with singles is that people are not comfortable enough with themselves to date properly. They can’t even take a compliment.

I am the number one offender in this department. I’ve had someone tell me I have a really a nice smile only to deflect with “but did you know my hair is REALLY dry?”

Those words actually came out of my mouth.

The most important part of dating is learning to invest in yourself, start with your strengths and work on loving who you are. And in my case, also investing in a bottle of Redken.

6. Deal breakers should exist

They should be known upfront and centre. Not in a creepy way that will send someone running a hundred miles away from you, but they should be evident from the start.

I don’t mean deal breakers as in, “His shirt is so ugly I can never see him again” or “He wore white shoes to the first date — big no no”.

I mean deal breakers as in, “In the future I want to have kids and he/she doesn’t”.

Think about the values that are important to you — and then imagine they’re the least important to the person you’re dating.

If you have values that are important to you and that you will not compromise on, consider these deal breakers as a time saver in your future world of dating.

7. Online dating is actually fun and super effective.

I learnt that online dating isn’t as scary as it sounds.

If you invest in your career and your health, why wouldn’t you put the same effort into your love life? When you look for a job, you go on Seek and type in exactly what you are looking for.

That’s exactly what online dating sites do for you. They try to find you someone with similar and complimentary values.

Dating school was a surprising eye opener for me. Everyone walked away from it learning more about what is really important to them in life and in love.