The Bachelor episode 14 recap: Bachie, how could you?

THE Bachelor had to meet his lovers’ parents in last night’s episode. It was all kinds of awkward, and it culminated with one of the favourites going home.

IT’S the home visit episode of The Bachelor, where friends and relatives ask the tough questions such as “what are your intentions?”, “how do you feel about her?” and “do you know you’re allowed to leave some of the hair product in the tube?”.

First things first, though: Sam has a shave.

Every little bit counts.

Right! Let’s get sincere with a bunch of interstate strangers. GO!

HEATHER

“Heather and I have had some beautiful, real moments,” Sam tells us, “but those real moments have occurred surrounded by cocktail parties and ice cream trucks and jelly wrestling.” Um, send the others home mate, you’ve just described the perfect relationship.

Sam and Heather meet on a hyphenated mountain for meaningful scones and hot chocolate before heading off to a horse farm to meet father-figure Warwick for a few hours and bestie Laura for two and a half seconds.

Make no mistake: Warwick is the best person to have ever lived.

Not only does the gruff, no-nonsense wrangler Wazza make faces like this when Sam talks …

Pull the other one and it plays the national anthem, mate.

… he also drops gritty truth bombs so regularly he could fill a book.

Preach, Waz.

My favourite is probably “The comfort zone is just a prison of our own making”, and by the time he tells Heather, “You don’t have to be blood to be family” if not you’re crying a bit, you’re wasting everyone’s time.

Wazza calls Heather “Half-Pint” and her friend Laura “Sawn-Off”, showing that he is also an epic champion at nicknames. I reckon next series should have Warwick as The Bachelor, and instead of handing out roses he just turns to one girl and says “Nup”.

Sam and Heather pash as he leaves, because they are in love and will be together forever.

Who doesn’t love a kiss right in the country.

LANA

In Berowra, Sam and probably dangerous sociopath Lana struggle to find each other in the fog. Once the fog clears though, it’s so funny because they accidentally found themselves on a boat with their faces mashed together! What are the odds.

See now that’s just clumsy.

Lana takes Sam to see her mother and bit-player bestie Robin, where almost nothing interesting happens despite the presence of cheese.

Bad = interesting.

While Lana’s mum “grills” Sam with bunches of words like “How are you going to work together to keep it together?”, it’s clear that the show’s Executive Producer In Charge Of Candles And Cushions has infiltrated the living room.

How will you keep my daughter illuminated and comfortable?

Look, Lana’s mum is nice, but she’s no Warwick.

Sam and Lana pash as he leaves, because they are in love and will be together forever.

SARAH

Sarah meets Sam in Mornington, and decides that their fourth date should start on the beach, with a conversation about exactly when the ideal time to make foetuses is.

Because like I have a career but I have a lunchtime window two years from now.

Sam meets Sarah’s family for dinner, and he realises two things:

1. That Sarah’s herb-gardening, poncho-wearing mum Ros is just Sarah in 25 years.

If your personality was a soft furnishings concept, what colour couch-throw would you be?

2. And that Sarah’s dad is rubbish at remembering his name.

I’ve never heard of a David Jones at our sküle.

There seems to be a bit-part family role in every home visit, and in Sarah’s case this is played by my new hero and soulmate, Grandma.

You just get me, babe.

The Mornington grilling is gentle and friendly, helped considerably by a delicious-looking dinner and the kind of easy sociability common to families with enough money to buy small republics. It’s all quite nice, really.

Sam and Sarah pash as he leaves, because they are in love and will be together forever.

SNEZANA

Over in Perth, Sam and Snez are excited that today is the day he’ll finally meet her daughter Eve, right after they’ve finished making this 90s boy band music video.

Backstreet’s back, ALRIGHT.

Snez’s gorgeous tears-and-giggles reunion with Eve takes 15 minutes, 14 of which Sam spends looking on and smiling, unsure of what to do.

So how about that local touch football team.

While Snezana busies herself with three ice creams and her noted licking powers, Eve asks Sam some tough questions such as “What’s the capital of Macedonia?” and “Do you like One Direction?”.

‘Will you stop wearing scoop necks when you’re my new daddy?’

That night, Snezana introduces Sam to the closest 400 members of her family, who serve enough food for an additional 600.

Because there’s an unspoken rule in the Parmigiana family that if you bring a boy home you’re technically engaged, Snez’s misleadingly baby-faced brother takes Sam outside for a bit of a chat.

It’s brutal.

Weirdly, Snez’s brother doesn’t think highly of people who openly cheat on his sister with three other women. He fires questions like cartoon Batman punches, and Sam is visibly rattled.

“Are you planning to take her from the family?” BIFF!

“How much could you really be falling for her, with three other girls on the side?” THWACK!

“You think you’re old enough to be a father to a nine-year-old?” BLAMMO!

“Are these shirts a good idea?” KABOOM!

At the end of the night Sam and Snez pash, because they are in love and will be together forever.

THE THING WHERE THE THING HAPPENS

Back at the Womansion it all starts innocently enough, with Sam swiping through pictures of the girls on a tablet like he’s on Tinder.

Wrong button, mate.

After a quick montage of the girls looking slowly and thoughtfully in different directions, we arrive at the rose ceremony, where we prepare for the onslaught of voice-overs, overly dramatic music, and Osher looking like your puppy just died.

Miffy was a beloved companion and a loyal friend.

Sam enters.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC, VOICE-OVERS)

He makes a speech about families, then hands out a rose each to Sarah and Snezana.

(VOICE-OVERS, DRAMATIC MUSIC)

We’re left with Lana and Heather, two brunettes locked in a stern-faced battle to be Supreme Nookie Ninja.

(OVER-DRAMATIC VOICE MUSIC)

Sam tries not to vomit from all the tension.

My heart is full of torment and diced carrot.

After about three days, Sam makes the wrong decision and kicks Heather out.

UM, NOPE.

Go on, leave some snot on his shoulder.

Heather and Australia are shocked. This is a devastating blow for both love and for the entire concept of “thinking man’s crumpet”.

She and Australia struggle to comprehend why.

Was it the Michael Jackson jacket?

Dude, no.

Was it this face when Warwick asked how she felt about Sam?

Surprisingly dude, no.

WAIT A SECOND. Was it the knitted hat?

Dude. Yes.

Bye, Heather. We’ll miss you, mate.

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Jo will be faithfully recapping The Bachelor for news.com.au. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely