The Bachelor episode 13 recap: Not all couches are created equal

EVERYONE got some time with the Bachelor last night, but as we know, not all dates are created equal. One was particularly disastrous.

WELCOME to episode 13 of The Bachelor: A Tale Of Five Couches. Seriously, there’s so much sitting down in this show I’m beginning to think of a deep vein thrombosis as foreplay.

We start with our ladies sitting on the first of this week’s 400 couches, working on today’s themes of impending family visits, intruders versus originals, and Lana constantly having all of her hair on one side of her neck.

It is literally always lateral.

Resplendent in an off-theme cowboy shirt, Oklahoma Osher tells the girls that they’ll be spending the next two days with Sam at a luxurious beach house, presumably because the Womansion has run out of candles and empty tea cups. Let’s just check, though — is there a couch at this luxurious beach house?

There is. It’s right there on the weird balcony astroturf.

Now I don’t want to rain on Sam’s parade, because the rain is already doing that. It pisses down continuously while he parades the girls to various locations for some quick dates.

The first date is with Lana at a golf driving range. It’s probably a good time to tell you my theory about interesting people. You do not have to keep telling other people how interesting interesting people are.

Sam keeps telling us how interesting Lana is.

Interesting people also do not need to wear bear hats.

After a couple of shots, Lana reaches down and does something I’m surprised they can even show in this timeslot.

Go on, love. Give ’em a squeeze.

Sam is impressed by Lana’s mix of silly/serious, her eyes and her intelligence, because he’s typically attracted to women who are smarter than him. This includes approximately all women.

When it’s time for a chat, they pop into the clubhouse out of the weather. Say, is there a couch in the clubhouse?

There is.

Is there a pash on this couch?

There is.

For date two, Sam and Snezana go walking in the rain, at roughly the same time as the show’s stylist blows their entire smoothing serum and gumboot budget.

Before discussing the fact that Snezana has a daughter, they have a quick chat about the fact that Snezana has a daughter, right after Snezana shows Sam photographs of her daughter.

What? You never told me you had a daughter?

Hang on — is there a couch on this date?

There is! PS: Snezana has a daughter.

Next is Heather, and the pair go to a place called Skiffies for a teppanyaki lunch, a venue chosen by Sam because Heather is quirky, fun, and refuses to take that knitted hat off.

Food is skilfully and relentlessly thrown at them, causing Heather to giggle like a Harajuku schoolgirl and Sam to make a face that, if successful, Heather may get to see again on her wedding night.

Although hopefully with fewer prawns.

When Sam is invited to throw food at Heather and does so without majesty or skill, Sardonic Teppanyaki Chef side-eyes his way into my heart and hopefully into his own show.

The Bachelor: Teppan-ya-killin’-me.

Wait — is there a couch here at Skiffies?

There is.

Heather breaks her Womansion-imposed beer fast and tells Sam how afraid she is of home visits because of her unconventional family. Sam tells the camera that he’s worried Heather is in the friendzone because of her unconventional hat. It’s very difficult to tell what Heather’s chances are, but very easy to want to throw her hat in a fire.

Later, Sam, Sarah, and Sarah’s spectacles go for a date on a couch, because Sam is fresh out of date ideas. Is there a couch on this date on a couch?

There is.

They talk a little about how they feel, and a little about her glasses, and Sam explains to camera why these two send us into a deep coma.

“She tries to tell me as much as she can with a look, because she’s not that comfortable telling me with her words.”

For example this look says, ‘We should get married because there are no relocation costs’.

They kiss, and it’s only the tiny hint of tongue action that reminds us we’re not watching two nice-looking slices of white bread slowly going stale on a beige plate.

The final date is Nina’s, and I’m not going to sugar-coat it. Sam takes her fishing in the rain. For the record, no girl ever said, “I knew he was the one when he made me handle live bait”.

Nina retaliates by mentioning that she’s worried her mum would want to cut her grass if she met Sam.

So let’s see: we’re in a storm trying to kill things, with an outside chance that one of our parents wants a piece of this particular action.

I think Sam’s face speaks for all of us at this point.

He hates the smell of fish.

It’s awkward. It’s clunky. It’s as romantic as a pair of underpants made out of spiders. Is there at least a couch on this date?

Wow.

Look, I really like Nina, but if this relationship was a horse they’d shoot it.

So to sum up, let’s refer to this convenient Date Matrix, or Datrix:

Even meteors know how this is going to turn out.

The cocktail party is brief, with Sam giving the girls the opportunity to initiate discussions exactly like people in them fancy liberated cultures do. Far too much time is spent agonising over whether or not a female-initiated discussion is a good idea, but happily time runs out before too many viewers commit ritual seppuku.

It’s ceremony time, and the Rosatorium looks both empty and like a whole heap of chuckles.

In a crapping-your-spider-underpants kind of way.

Lana gets the first rose which is, as they say down at the Putting It Mildly Association, an unpopular decision.

Snezana and Sarah are next, leaving Heather and Nina to communicate silently to each other one last time.

If you leave any bras behind, they are of zero use to me.

Finally, in a move that three of the four dead flies on your windowsill saw coming, Nina is eliminated.

Bye, Nina. We know you were a good one, because the bad ones hated you.

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Jo will be faithfully recapping The Bachelor for news.com.au. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely

Also your mother just booked a cab to the mansion.