Relationship Rehab: Relationship milestone woman is ‘dreading’

After nearly two years apart they should be looking forward to a Christmas with his family — but instead the holiday is filling her with dread.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a woman who is dreading spending time with her partner’s family over the holidays.

Question: I love my partner. But I don’t love his family. I’m dreading spending time with them over the holidays. They’re always making little comments that my partner doesn’t notice. I feel like I’ll never be good enough for their son and will never be a part of their family. My partner doesn’t see anything wrong with their behaviour at all and because of that it’s really hard to talk to him about them. He’s really looking forward to spending time with them on the holidays, especially because we haven’t seen them much over the last couple of years, but I’m dreading it. How do I make sure we spend as little time as possible with them without upsetting him?

Answer: I feel for you. Spending time with family over the holidays can be stressful – even more so when there are existing issues. What’s important is not whether their behaviour is really ‘wrong’ or not, but rather you feeling like your partner has your back around his family.

How to deal with difficult in-laws

Talk to your partner about it

I know this can feel really difficult if you’re already tried. When you raise this with your partner again, avoid blame or criticism of him or his family, so he’s more likely to listen to you without dismissing your concerns or being defensive.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

Use the ‘Softened Start-Up Approach’

The ‘Softened Start-Up Approach’ gives you a way to share what’s bothering you in a way that avoids blame and increases your chances of being heard.

There are two steps:

Share your emotions

Voice your needs in a positive way

When using this approach, you speak with ‘I’ statements, rather than ‘You’ statements.

It might sound like:

I feel uncomfortable around your family. I need you to check in on me while we’re there.

Or

I often feel anxious around your family. I need to make sure we have some days where I can just really relax over the holidays too.

It’s painful when our partner won’t listen or take our concerns seriously. I hope that he’s able to understand you a little better when you share like this.

She should be excited about her Christmas plans, but instead, she can't help but dread what is coming. Picture: Kyle Broad/Unsplash

Find a way to compromise

As you’re aware, spending some with them is important. Unless they really cross a line, making an effort to get along with them, will make everyone’s life easier.

Compromise might look like making agreements about the time you spend with his family and the time you have just to yourself.

Compromise might look like saying:

‘I know that spending time with your family is important and I really want to support you in that. It’s also important to me to have some time where I feel relaxed. If we spend X days with your family, can we make sure we also have X days to ourselves to rest?

Depending on where you live, you might also be able to compromise on him having days with his family without you there.

Try not to let their comments bother you

Keep in mind that your partner has chosen you to be with. Whether his family thinks you’re a good match or ‘good enough’ for their son, he does. I hope reminding yourself of that can bring you some comfort and alleviate your anxiety around them.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]