Reason woman refuses to live with her partner of 23 years
Sharon Hyman has been in a blissful relationship for 23 years, but the reason it works so well is something many people couldn’t contemplate.
A woman has revealed the “secret” to her long lasting relationship is that she doesn’t live with her partner.
Sharon Hyman, a filmmaker from Canada, is a big advocate for the growing trend, telling news.com.au’s I’ve Got News For You podcast host Andrew Bucklow, she and her partner David recently celebrated their 23rd anniversary living “happily ever apart”.
“We just had completely different working hours, we had different lifestyles, we just had different ways of going through the world,” she said.
“And it just evolved that this is what worked best for us. I have my rent controlled little apartment, and he has his little apartment, and we’re 15 minutes apart, and it’s perfect.
“He does his thing. I do my thing. When we get together, we’re really together, we appreciate each other.”
Sharon, who lives in Montreal, said living apart from David has “never gotten stale”.
“Every time he comes over, my heart still skips a beat. And I’m so excited to see him. And I don’t know a lot of people could say that after 23 years.”
However, due to the pandemic, Sharon said her partner has been over every night, describing it as an “interesting experience”.
“It’s been very nice but we’re still really happy that in the morning, he has his place to go back to,” she said.
Since discovering how living apart has benefited her relationship, she is now at the forefront of a social movement that introduces couples to new ways of living, and is working on a documentary about the topic.
“One of my mentors said to me, ‘your relationship is so interesting’. Now, for me, it was just what my relationship was,” Sharon said.
“I didn’t think it was anything unique, but I started to do all this research and lo and behold, this isn’t a new phenomenon — it’s always existed and some people chose to live apart but just didn’t talk about it.”
She also started a Facebook group that has since attracted more than 5000 members that share one thing in common — living apart from their better half.
“We have actually a lot from Australia … but (also) from every corner of the world,” she said, adding it’s like “we’re all coming out of the closet now”.
But Sharon said it’s about finding what works best for your relationship.
In Australia, more than 1.5 million people reported having an intimate partner they didn’t live with, according to findings from the Melbourne Institute Household, Income and Labour Dynamics 2021 report.
Australia’s marriage rate has also decreased over the past 30 years from six marriages per 1000 people in 1999 to 4.5 marriages per 1000 in 2019, a year when 50,000 divorces were also granted.
“We’re completely committed to seeing it through to the end,” Sharon said about her relationship, “but just from two separate addresses”.
Pros and cons of living separately
Sydney-based clinical psychologist and relationship expert Shahn Baker Sorekli said living apart has become the norm for some couples and despite work and long-distance reasons, some do it to keep “mystery” and “desire” alive.
“This isn’t representative of every couple, but a lot of people can relate to the idea that ‘things were really good, and the attraction was really high, before we moved in, and things changed once we moved in’,” Shahn told news.com.au.
“And maintaining that distance can keep the mystery and the desire alive.”
He said it keeps each individual accountable for their own lifestyle, meaning individuals can maintain and lead the way they want without feeling impeded upon by their partner.
However, on the flip side the director of Drummoyne Psychology said you’re “destined for trouble” if it’s not fully agreed on by both parties.
“There could be one person who’s OK with it but potentially not on the same level as their partner and when that situation occurs, you’re destined for trouble in the relationship.”
He said this can lead to a variety of different issues such as someone in constant pursuit of a closer relationship or a relationship with higher commitment.
Shahn, who is the co-founder of My Love Your Love app, said another “big risk” of living apart is limited growth together.
“What we know is that couples who learn and try new things together, experience individual growth within the relationship,” he explained.
“And we know that is highly correlated with satisfaction in relationships — the more journeys you go on together, the more things you try, the more things you learn, the more highly satisfied you are in your relationship.
“So if you’re living apart, there is the risk you could continue to learn new things, but perhaps on your own, and the relationship just falls into a bit of a holding pattern.”
Shahn said it could lead to “stagnation” and “boredom” and then eventually “disconnection”.
He said for couples considering living apart, it’s important to ask yourself “why”.
“If it is a desire issue, if you just found you really appreciate each other more when there’s space, that’s fine. I think that’s a positive reason to do it,” he said.
But he also said it’s crucial to set ground rules if you do go ahead with it.
“Understanding ‘why am I doing this’ and ‘what are the benefits of it?’ And then talking about the ground rules, too.”
“It’s very important in relationships in general to talk about what are the boundaries and the parameters of a relationship no matter what they are.”
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