Man turns to porn after wife no longer wants to have sex with him

A man who turned to watching excessive amounts of porn after his wife no longer wanted to have sex with him, now faces marriage problems.

From becoming porn-obsessed to other vexing issues of a personal nature, clinical psychologist Jo Lamble answers questions from readers looking for expert advice on social dilemmas and relationship problems.

QUESTION

I am 73, my wife is 69, and we’ve been married for 51 years. For the past few years, my wife hasn’t wanted to have sex and will not talk about why. I still have needs, so I have turned to porn. She has caught me downloading porn a few times and we have had arguments about it. The rest of our married life is good except for the sex thing. I’m not sure, but maybe I am hooked on porn. I have no intention of leaving my wife. What advice can you give me?

JO’S ANSWER:

It’s totally understandable that you still want a sex life and your wife must have her reasons for feeling the way she does as well. Has she explained why she’s upset about you using porn? It would be important to have an open discussion about why you are using porn and why she’s distressed by it. Try to really understand where the other person is coming from. Having open discussions keeps the intimacy alive in a marriage. Fighting about an issue or avoiding the topic reduces intimacy.

A man turned to porn after his wife no longer wanted to have sex with him. Picture: iStock

If your use of porn is affecting your quality of life, then it’s a problem. You may not be getting enough sleep if you’re up late downloading porn. Or you may be neglecting friendships or commitments because you are feeling compelled to watch more and more porn.

If you notice any of these signs, then it may be time to address the issue. Managing a habit involves having alternate behaviours to turn to, such as relaxation, exercise and socialising, when you would usually watch porn.

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His wife caught him downloading porn a few times which caused arguments. Picture: iStock

QUESTION:

I’ve always been a “guy’s girl”. Most of my friends are guys and it has been that way forever. I have never gotten along with girls and now that I am 35, I know I probably never will. It is always so much easier to have guy friends. Most of my boyfriends have been OK with this, but my boyfriend of three years has never been comfortable with all my guy friends, especially my best friend. We have a lot of fights about it. He doesn’t like how touchy-feely I am with my friends, but I have absolutely no interest in them sexually. Things are serious with my boyfriend. I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life, so I’m not sure what to do.

Another woman has explained her friendship with her male friend has also caused problems with her boyfriend. Picture: iStock

JO’S ANSWER:

The first step is to understand fully why your boyfriend isn’t comfortable with the relationship you have with your male friends. If you are fighting about it, then it sounds like he is jealous, and jealousy means that he is afraid of losing you. Why is he jealous? Has he been cheated on in the past? Was one of his parents unfaithful? Encourage him to be really open about why he doesn’t like what’s going on.

Then it’s your turn. I’m sure you’ve already explained that you have always gotten along better with men than women, and that you have no sexual interest in these friends. If there is any other information you can share with him on why you don’t get on with girls and why you’re more comfortable with men, then do that.

Then it’s time to stop the fights. Commitment means accepting each other, warts and all. That means that he needs to accept you have male friends and why, and you need to accept that he doesn’t love that and why. This acceptance should allow him to be less jealous and you to be more mindful and perhaps less touchy-feely with these guys for your boyfriend’s sake.

This article originally appeared on Body & Soul and was reproduced with permission