Jo Thornely recaps the penultimate episode of The Bachelor Season 3
WE’RE down to the last two Bachelorettes, and it’s pretty clear who the favourite is, because Sam’s hands couldn’t behave.
IT’S the second last episode of The Bachelor, with a cape, a hat, and a hat and a cape. The girls are obviously falling kind of sort of in love or at least growing stronger feelings for and making an emotional connection with accessories.
But first things first: Sam starts the episode with a swim and a shower, and also gets his shirt off for one of this week’s dates.
Come on. You know what that means.
There are three dates with, as we’re told roughly eighteen to a thousand times, three very beautiful and different women.
But HOW different are they? And how does Sam feel about them? And what are they doing with their hair? These questions can only be answered scientifically, by asking like heaps more questions.
First up is Snezana, who is wearing a cape.
WHERE DO THEY GO? Sam and Snez go to a penthouse apartment with a spectacular view of the city, where he gives her a box with a frock in it.
HOW DO THEY GET THERE? Sam drives a Lamborghini very fast, and children’s fitness instructors everywhere suspect he’s cooking the books.
WHAT DO THEY DO? They go to a private performance of the ballet, which is lovely but a little weird.
Snezana says she loves ballet because of the stories it tells through dance. For example, this story is about a couple who talk about the same things on every date they go on.
DO THEY EAT OR ANYTHING? Sam makes espresso martinis surprisingly well, and Snezana pretends there’s some in her glass surprisingly badly.
WHAT DO THEY SAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN? Snezana thinks she’s falling in love with him. No, she’s pretty sure. She’s definitely falling in love with him. Might she be falling in love with him? She finds it hard to talk about, particularly when it’s basically all she talks about.
HOW’S THE KISS? Naw. It’s like they never want to let each other go.
Next up is Lana Of The Hair Cascade, who has made side-hair and using big words her thing.
Today the producers try to make her wear a hat for just under four seconds, because you do not. Mess with. The side hair.
WHERE DO THEY GO? Sam takes Lana to a house at Palm Beach, which Lana totally speculated and precognizated.
HOW DO THEY GET THERE? In a sea-plane! Sea-planes are the Lamborghinis of the sky, you know.
WHAT DO THEY DO? After riding around at speed on a giant inflatable apricot Danish behind a boat, they have a spot of dinner and a swim, breaking the law in three states by not sitting on the couch. Poor couch.
DO THEY EAT OR ANYTHING? A tiny bit of dimly lit food, and a whole lot of each other’s faces.
WHAT DO THEY SAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN? They mostly talk about how quickly they’ve developed feelings for each other, although she does say briefly that he brings out the big kid in her. I didn’t even know she was pregnant.
HOW’S THE KISS? Either I’m a Mongolian throat-singer, or that’s Sam’s hand on Lana’s buttock.
Finally it’s Sarah’s turn for a date, and she hedges her accessory bets by wearing both a hat AND a cape.
WHERE DO THEY GO? Sarah accompanies Sam to a country manor, which is pleasant, but about as interesting as the underside of a sugar bowl.
HOW DO THEY GET THERE? In a horse and cart, because... I guess primarily because of... for reasons?
WHAT DO THEY DO? Almost nothing. Sarah checks her cape. Yep. Still wearing a cape.
DO THEY EAT OR ANYTHING? First they look at afternoon tea without eating it, then they look at a cheese platter without eating it. It’s like the Hunger Games, but without the far more interesting violence.
WHAT DO THEY SAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN? That Sarah has built a wall and has trouble talking about her feelings. Oddly they don’t talk about how well this date is going.
HOW’S THE KISS? It’s greeeeaaaaat.
With only a brief detour to look at some contractual obligation diamonds, we end up in the Rosatorium to tick the usuals off the list.
Candles? CHECK.
Frocked-up ladies?
Endless repetitive voice-overs? CHECK.
Osher’s serious mode?
It’s as tense as ever, and when Lana is given the first rose Australia sees Sarah’s heart break a little.
She knows.
We know.
The bottom of the sugar bowl knows.
Sarah is eliminated.
Bye, Sarah. We’ll miss your quiet elegance, your gentle humour, and the fact that you didn’t lower your shoulders for fifteen whole episodes.
Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Jo will be faithfully recapping The Bachelor for news.com.au. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely
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