Jo Thornely recaps The Bachelor finale
THE Bachelor certainly grabbed his last opportunity to hit on two women at the same time. The final dates were wonderfully awkward.
IT’S HERE.
THE GRAND FINALE.
Or as I’m calling it, seeing as it’s between Snezana and Lana and a banana and an iguana and a sultana and some ikebana: THE GRAND FINANA.
Now, I should warn you. Because of the lustrous shroud of secrecy that has surrounded this episode, Recap HQ has not been able to secure as many official images as usual. We’ve figured out a seamless work-around though, and I don’t think you’ll notice the difference.
First things first: the disappointment. We fell well short of our goal nipple total, even though we saw Sam go for a swim AND have a semi-naked shave. Final count: 52.
While the episode starts in full flashback mode, from the moment everyone first met, through hours of face-sucking, and finally plonking ourselves here at finale, we realise that if the following words and phrases were edited out, the episode would be about eight minutes long:
BEAUTIFUL
DIFFICULT DECISION
NEVER EXPECTED THAT
I HAVE A DAUGHTER
INTELLIGENT AND VIVACIOUS
I CAN DEFINITELY SEE A FUTURE WITH HER
ADVENTURE
I WOULD LIKE TO TOAST YOUR MARSHMALLOWS.
Right! First up, the girls meet Sam’s family – Dad Andrew, Sister Hannah, and borderline mute brother Alex.
The two meetings are pretty similar – free-flowing conversation, hugs and kisses, Snezana making Pa Wood cry, Lana making Sister Wood cry, Sam grinning like a pleasant but simple-brained power-point.
The true stand-out, toppled only in gruff, crinkly coolness by Heather’s old mate Warwick of a few episodes ago, is Pa Wood. From “You know as much about Tasmania as I know about Macedonia”, to “My first thought when she walked around the corner was yeah, Sam’s got another cracker”, this is a man you want to be proud of you. A man you want to have a cold, frosty beer with on a hot summer afternoon. A man you want to secretly give a proper haircut in his sleep.
Look, these family visits aren’t giving us a single clue about who’s going to win. Let’s move onto the dates.
First up, Sam and Lana drape dead animals around their necks for a helicopter ride to a country pond.
In a panic, the producers realise they haven’t referenced The Notebook for a couple of episodes and time is running out, so they bung the kids and some flowers in a rowboat and let them have at it. They drift, drink champagne, speak vaguely and noncommittally about the future, and basically just fill in time until they can park the boat and mack on.
Lana waits until later that evening to tell Sam that she’s crazy about him over toasted marshmallows and nine million bee-squirts worth of candles, and the Pash-O-Trons consummate their sort of I guess I could potentially fall in love with you with another half-hour worth of pashing. If you close your eyes, it sounds like two salmon fillets in a tumble-dryer. It’s beautiful.
When it’s Snezana’s turn, the couple drive to a tiny river beach for a picnic of chocolate-coated strawberries and describing each other.
“You make me feel stuff”, she says.
“You have a daughter”, he says.
Wait a second. This doesn’t feel as passionate or as urgent as Sam’s date with Lana. Are we thinking that Sam will choose Lana, or are we thinking that the producers want us to think that we’re thinking that Sam will choose Lana when he’s thinking that he’ll choose Snezana?
Either way, they sit on some hay bales and kiss, and I’m pretty sure they can hear bells.
They discuss the fact that Snezana has a daughter (spoiler alert: Snezana has a daughter), and she reminds him that “It would be hard with me”.
“It is a bit already,” thinks Sam, shifting his sitting position on the hay bale.
Then she says it.
She says the thing.
She says “I want you to know that I have fallen in love with you”.
BOOM. THERE IT IS.
Sam smiles and says “It’s such a beautiful thing to hear you say”.
The following day everyone gets ready for THE BIG DECISION, and things happen very, very slowly.
There’s slow shaving, slow jewellery selection, slow Lana putting all of her hair over one shoulder, a slow sunset, slow dramatic music, slow voice-overs repeating slow things we’ve heard before slowly, and a slow sweeping shot of the outdoor Rosatorium, a swimming pool lined with almost every candle from the sun’s personal collection.
Osher has a chat to Sam by the pool, using encouraging, serious words like ‘journey’ and also ‘journey’.
A slow car slowly drives up the driveway. Our minds race. Will he tell the loser first or the winner? Who’s in the car? What will he say? OH GOD, WHAT SIDE WILL THEIR HAIR BE ON?
It’s Lana. Miraculously not setting her skirt on fire, she traverses the fiery walkway towards Sam, where she holds his hands and gazes into his eyes. The atmosphere is electric. They need so few words. Sam smiles a deep, simple smile and his lips part gently, ready to speak.
“Nup,” he says.
Oh.
My.
God.
Lana flees the poolside rejection zone and asks not to be filmed while she turns her back. A special camera in the trees catches her face.
But y’know, then she’s fine and she’s in a car putting her seatbelt on.
We all know what happens next, but it’s successfully drawn out over roughly three years.
“I’ve got so many feelings running through me at the moment”, says Sam nervously. Plus a bit of diarrhoea, I expect.
Snezana arrives, crunching over rose petals and Lana’s drying tears.
They hold their beautiful hands. They blah their beautiful blahs. One of them gives the other one some contractual obligation jewellery. They say “I love you”.
They kiss.
It is done.
Oh no wait, there’s a bit more talking.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: the future of love.
THE VERDICT: Did Sam pick the right girl?
Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. News.com.au. would like to thank her for faithfully recapping The Bachelor for us. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely
To relive the pashes, the nipples and all of the bogan formal dresses from this season:
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