Jo Thornely recaps The Bachelor episode one

AND you thought you were awkward on first dates. One of Australia’s new Bachelorettes made quite a first impression.

Welcome to Episode one of The Bachelor, or Sam, We Need To Talk About That Scoop Neck.

For those unfamiliar with The Bachelor, it’s basically this:

One guy whose chest is only ever properly covered if it’s in a tuxedo.

Nineteen women, hardly any of whose chests are properly covered.

Desperation-flavoured champagne in a mansion that looks like an expensive funeral parlour, except with more flowers and marginally less embalming fluid.

Osher Gunsberg standing behind a cardboard suit saying “journey” a lot.

A pile of red roses that behaves like musical chairs — someone always misses out. There’s also a white rose, which is superior and more powerful than the coloured roses. Like racism, but more fragrant.

The one guy this year is Sam Wood, so here’s a space for everyone to make some penis jokes about his surname:

Okay good, well done.

Recap

Sam smiles like he’s swallowed a ruler and spends a lot of his backstory montages with his nipples exposed, which begs the question: How many times will we see Sam’s nipples throughout the series? Unless there’s a terrible accident, the nipple count will progress by twos, so I think a total of 100 nipples is reasonable. Let’s keep a record and see if we get there.

Also ‘six nipples’ is really hard to say with a mouthful of Jatz.

But don’t get it twisted. This show is about the laaaadies. A few fade into the background, but these are not those:

The very beautiful Snezana helps Sam say her name by comparing it with ‘parmigiana’. He immediately imagines her at the pub, crumbed and covered with cheese. She immediately forgets his name.

It’s Sam. Y’know, like in ‘parmesam cheese’.

Sarah is an event manager who carries her handbag like she’s impersonating a teapot. Her main ploy to lure Sam is to do some yoga, because blokes love it when you put your pelvis above your head.

Veterinarian Laura tells Sam a story that ensures she will never, ever be called Laura by anyone ever. When prompted for a funny vet story, she launches directly into canine anal glands.

Anal glands (Lisa needs braces)

Anal glands are mentioned so frequently that the editors make an anal gland montage. It’s not really ideal first date talk. Anal glands are more of a third date kind of thing. Laura, it’s fair to say that your nickname nationally is now ‘Anal Glands’. If you win, we may never see the headline ‘Anal Glands eliminated’, so please take one for the team.

Rachel makes Sam a rose out of balloons. Sam smells it. This. This should be the show.

Heather seems fairly ridiculously cool despite having stolen my plastic neck-tattoo necklace from 1998. She’s funny, into superheroes, calls Sam ‘dude’, and thinks it would be “hectically cool” to meet the love of her life. They edit out the bit where she says “cowabunga!” and leaves on a skateboard.

Wickety-wickety-wicked.

Jacinda is Mediterranean perfection. Nicknamed ‘The Hurricane’ by Sam (presumably after the weather phenomenon, not the boxer, although early days), she has energy to burn and ALL of the facial expressions. She takes a selfie with Sam, and then a quick shot of his buttocks without his consent. She is instantly remorseful.

Hashtag buttocks hashtag polaroid hashtag aw yiss

Zilda has smuggled two 1968 Volkswagen Beetles into the mansion, and that is all I am saying about that.

In 1968, Volkswagen introduced a larger, higher-mounted bumper.

Tessa is uncomfortable in her gown, so she changes into a flanny and hiking boots. It certainly gets her noticed, so she no doubt plans to be completely nude by Episode Two.

Sandra is ... Sandra is a handful. She tells us that because she’s loud, other women tend to find her intimidating, weirdly mispronouncing the word ‘irritating’.

It’s just who I am, HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Aside from constantly seeming like that drunk girl at parties, Sandra is responsible for this episode’s tensest moment: StupidGate. Normally, disagreements occur like this:

1. Say something bad.

2. Have someone tell you that’s not cool.

3. Realise it’s not cool, apologise privately, become besties, kick dandelions together, etc.

In Sandra’s hyperactive, referring-to-oneself-in-the-third-person-world though, it goes like this:

1. Actively encourage bitchiness.

2. Openly mock anyone who avoids bitchiness.

3. Call a mansion-wide conference to shout at people.

It’s on!

Her main victim, Reshael, is the picture of dignity. Sandra herself is an unhinged hot mess and I want to watch her until I die.

Bachelorettes compete to talk to Sam, sipping drinks and giving each other side-eye.

Anal Glands Side-Eye is my new favourite band.

Downward Dog Sarah gets an early red rose, Call You Dude Heather gets the early white rose, and the ceremony proper distributes the rest. My favourite part of the rose ceremony is by FAR the constant presence of ‘Pick Me Face’.

Please don’t make me go back to my life as 1980s Victoria Principal.

This is followed by Reshael’s how-do-you-feel-about-Sandra-being-picked face:

Greeeeaaaaat.

And finally by Zilda and Jessica’s rejection faces.

We waxed for this.

It’s on. Let’s go. I’m pumped. Anal glands.

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Jo will be faithfully recapping The Bachelor for news.com.au. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely