Jo Thornely recaps The Bachelor episode 9
THIS season’s biggest Bachelor feud came to a very bitter end last night, leading one of our favourites to leave the mansion.
IT’S Episode 9 of The Bachelor, with indoor flying, champagne trying, brand new friends and sudden ends. Put on your most dramatic breakfast scarf.
As it is his wont to do, Osher enters the Womansion in a stainless steel shirt, bearing a single-date envelope.
“It can’t be Nina” hisses Emily. “None of us like Nina”.
If you missed Emily saying something mean about Nina, don’t worry. This particular bus is a round trip.
Bec’s the lucky girl, because Sam wants to “see if we can move on from the groundhog experience”. Sam, in my experience, once you introduce a groundhog to the relationship, there’s really no turning back.
Sam picks Bec up in a helicopter, giving her what he calls “a bit of a Marilyn Monroe moment”.
In order to find out if he has a future with Bec, Sam takes her indoor skydiving, which from memory is exactly how Romeo courted Juliet.
If you only listen to the next scene, it sounds like the hottest date imaginable.
“It was such a weird feeling trying to get in the right position” says Bec.
“Every time I looked at her my body moved and I’d lose control”, adds Sam.
“One of us would go up, then the other would go down”, winks Bec, her face flapping sensually.
Unfortunately the innuendo stops by the time the pair reach a rotunda for some obligatory drinks and cheese, as they discuss how suited they are to each other. Sam uses words like ‘fun’ and ‘connection’ and pauses to suck in some air as he always does when he’s delivering bad news.
They agree that they’re not going to fall in love and hug goodbye in front of a contractual obligation Nissan. It’s kind of beautiful.
Back at the house, the girls take a break from listening to Emily talk about how fake Nina is to be shocked at Bec’s departure.
They’re not as shocked as they are the following morning, when Sam surprises them in their jimmy-jams as he pops in to make breakfast.
He discovers that there are two different kinds of people: Those who are already in the kitchen showing off their adorable butt-flaps;
And those who have to be physically dragged to the kitchen having only had time to grab minimal accessories. As Sam says, “Emily decided to come down in what can only be described as a breakfast scarf”
“I’m not a morning person”, says Emily, forgetting to mention that she also struggles with being a person in the afternoon and evening.
Sam provides the girls with a hearty breakfast of pancakes, ice cream, and a fat gold envelope, all three of which no doubt give them indigestion.
It’s a single date for Sarah, and Sam decorates a boatshed to resemble a winery accessed by water taxi, not mentioning that he once took Snezana to a proper winery in a hot-air balloon.
He mentions a ‘twist’ and blindfolds Sarah, which in my experience means that when she opens her eyes there’ll just be a waiter standing there with a bill.
Happily it’s a blind wine tasting instead, and she nails it. Afterwards, he leads her to a bit of grass with a couch on it. Sarah’s delighted. “You really get me, don’t you?” she purrs. “I heard you like sitting down and stuff”, he responds.
What she DOES like is roses and the taste of a man’s stubble.
It’s sweet, in an endearingly boring kind of way.
We arrive at the cocktail party in time to hear how Emily thinks Nina is basically Hitler, while Osher takes Sam for a chat, doing something that strikes fear into our very souls.
This face can only mean one thing, because we’ve seen it in the promos. INTRUDERS.
We meet golf enthusiast Lana, who clicks instantly with Sam and seems borderline adorable:
And food blogger Rachel, who tells Sam a story about a cat dying in her arms.
The girls are fine with the idea of intruders. They’re fine.
Emily initially claims that the intruders don’t bother her, but later states robustly that “Intruders are bulls**t”. I wouldn’t say it’s two-faced, but somebody had better talk to that girl about how hot and cold she is.
Just as she’s telling her friends how unladylike Nina can be, Sam asks Emily if he can talk to her about how hot and cold she is.
Sam starts to list the differences between them. “I’m a bit of a goof”, he says. “I am too”, Emily replies, causing the dictionary definition of ‘goof’ to clear its throat and tap her on the shoulder.
He tells her he doesn’t see her as a goof, giving her uptight kitchen appearance as an example.
In a move comparable to blaming a single fart for global warming, Emily blames Nina for her breakfast behaviour. Sam suggests that she’s a bit fixated on the whole hating-Nina thing, and I really start to like the guy.
Emily is baffled, because she’s ‘such an open book’.
By the time the rose ceremony comes around, Emily is so subdued that she only mentions how rough Nina is once.
With the intruders along for the ride, it’s extraordinarily tense as Sam slingshots roses at the lucky. Finally, in the ultimate deliciousness, it comes down to just Emily and Nina.
Sam grasps the final rose. Everyone holds their breath. Emily turns and mouths the words:
Almost everyone watching at home has pretty much the same response.
But obviously she has to wait for the final rose to be handed out and for Sam to say her na ... oh.
Sam gives Nina the rose, as was his intention all along.
Um, bye Emily, I guess? No doubt you’ll have some time in the limo to really think about some meaningful last words?
“It actually makes me sick that I’m leaving before Nina. I feel sick about it”.
Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Jo will be faithfully recapping The Bachelor for news.com.au. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely
If you miss Emily and need to relive the happy memories:
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