Jo Thornely recaps The Bachelor episode 7
SOMETIMES this show really “cracks” you up. Last night, Bachelor Sam Wood got to see a little too much skin.
IT’S Episode seven of The Bachelor, packed with nonchalance, tiny pants, and a country dance. Hint: Jasmin does not like those things.
In accordance with law, Osher enters the Womansion in a reinforced steel shirt carrying an envelope, causing widespread gnashing of teeth in all except Emily, who remains calm.
“If he isn’t interested in me, then I wouldn’t want to be with him anyway” she says, understanding the fundamental basics of how liking someone works.
Sam is interested enough to ask her out on a date, exciting everyone except Emily, who reacts the way someone with a normal range of human emotions wouldn’t.
She reminds us that she’s never approached a man, and says she’s been single for six months. I can’t imagine that the two are related.
Sam, who admits to a strong physical attraction to Emily but so far a vast nothingness conversationally, meets her at a beach and sends her on a stand-up paddle-boarding treasure hunt, a romantic tradition from Shakespeare’s time.
You know what happens when people go paddle-boarding?
Emily’s bikini bottoms unfortunately shrunk in the wash, but Sam doesn’t seem to mind.
Following planted notes to various places, Emily says “I had to make my way over to the buoy”, so for those playing at home: she’ll approach buoys, but not men.
She maintains her stoical nonchalance until she sniffs a hint of jewellery in the air, when she glows like a Chernobyl landscape and scrapes at the sand until she unearths a chest with some jewellery attached. Incidentally ‘Chest With Some Jewellery Attached’ is also her new nickname for Sam.
She kisses him and thanks him. I thank him too, because I reckon this much shirtless time warrants four to six blips on the Nipple Count.
The unbelievably attractive humanoids have a picnic and a chat. Sam says “I feel like every conversation we’ve had has been cut short”.
“Much like my bikini bottoms”, replies Emily.
He says “You said you were an open book”.
“Very open. Disturbingly open”, replies Emily. “Much like my bikini bottoms”.
She reveals her overdue schedule for marriage and exactly two babies, they catalogue their various pregnant friends, Emily chants “I am starting to become emotionally invested”, and I have an idea for a futuristic novel titled ‘Reproducing Robots By The Seaside’.
In my story, Robot 1 gives Robot 2 a rose. Robot 2 activates her smug drive. It’s beautiful, man.
Meanwhile at the Womansion, Snezana finds a group date card that hints at a country jaunt, while the girls help Jasmin make an itemised list of the things she doesn’t like.
“Jasmin doesn’t like animals touching her, or dirt, or the smell, or not being able to wear heels” offers Nina.
“I don’t really like to milk cows or round up sheep”, adds Jasmin helpfully.
Flanny-clad Sam meets the girls in a whimsical dusty town for activities, dancing, and phrases that should not be looked up on Urban Dictionary.
“I had never heard of apple bobbing!” cries Bec.
“I didn’t really want to go bobbing for apples”, moans Jasmin.
Whatever they’re talking about, it definitely sounds like the kind of thing everybody suddenly needs a ponytail for.
Nina tips a whole bucket of water over herself, Sarah strategically sucks the apples towards her, and Heather impersonates a bear with balanced chi, winning the game.
The prize, challenging the traditional definition of the word ‘prize’, is to make lemonade with Sam, because nothing inflames desire like citric acid. They get on well as usual, with Heather employing her customary flirting technique of tilting her head towards her shoulder and saying “stop it”.
The next activity is sheepshearing. Any thoughts on that, Jasmin?
While Jas reminds us that she doesn’t like sheep or getting dirty or carbon lifeforms, Bec finds she has a natural affinity for sheep-handling, bordering on the romantic.
After a total of four clips of the shears, it’s time for a barn dance.
Jasmin finally finds something she likes doing: teaching the girls the Hick Hokey Pokey.
To Jasmin’s unsurprising disdain, Sam asks three girls for a private chat outside.
First Heather, who gets a little teary conducting a thorough analysis of her life to this point. Sam is supportive and gives her a peck on the cheek.
Next is Sarah, who gets a little flustered doing all the giggling and using all the words in random order. Sam is charmed and touches her lightly on the leg.
Finally there’s Snezana, who gets a little ridiculously beautiful and endearing without talking endlessly about herself. Sam is besotted and gently and romantically mashes his face against her face.
Blushing like a work-experience girl at a MAC counter, Snezana worries that she’s broken the Chick Code by pashing on a group date. Okay, a) you’re probably the only person the other girls wouldn’t mind losing to, and b) the Chick Code doesn’t actually extend to televised barn dances with an 8:1 gender bias. You’re cool, Parmigiana. Carry on crumbing that schnitzel.
Before you can say “Sheep Aren’t Really My Thing: The Jasmin Diaries”, we’re plonked suddenly into the Rose Ceremony where Sam volleys roses at the deserving.
Emily, who already has a rose, has no need to make the Pick Me Face, so that baton is passed to Nina:
Emily does fleetingly react when Heather’s name is called, though. See if you can pick it.
Eventually we’re left with only Nina and Jasmin, with Jasmin losing out. Jasmin doesn’t like it.
She claims it’s because Sam didn’t spend enough time with her, but I think we all know it’s because she resisted forming meaningful bonds with barnyard animals.
Bye, Jas. We’ll miss your sunny outlook and positive attitude.
Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Jo will be faithfully recapping The Bachelor for news.com.au. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely
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