Jo Thornely recaps The Bachelor episode 4: Where a tiny peck on the mouth can mean the end of civilisation as we know it
THEY all agreed to go on a show in which their love interest dates a bunch of other women. They should have seen this coming.
IT’S episode four of The Bachelor, in which Heather brings the jelly props, a beach date brings the belly flops, and a tiny peck on the mouth can mean the end of civilisation as we know it.
It’s early morning, and Heather is planning her impending white rose date with Sam.
“I’m not interested in the big jets and the beautiful air balloon rides” she says. “I want to do the things that come more naturally to me.” Like dating a man on television while living with 13 other girls that are also dating him. Y’know. NATURAL.
While Heather sneaks out, Osher sneaks in sans gold envelope but avec tangerine shirt to break the news to the other girls. As happens with most of Osher’s announcements, there is a tsunami of facial expressions, including a confusing one from Emily:
Over at Testosterone Estates, Heather knocks on Sam’s door. Expecting a pizza, he’s a bit taken aback, so she relieves some of the confusion by shouting “Happy Christmas!”. He agrees to go on a date, and she explains that they’re going somewhere “extremely significant to my world”. Sam’s excited, as he loves the Sydney Sarcasm And Constant Talking Emporium.
They turn up at a prop warehouse that Heather explains is “a place where I come to create my films”.
In her quirky jeans, Heather leads Sam past quirky props and up quirky stairs while explaining, quirkily, to Sam: “I wanna see a little bit more about what you’re passionate about.” She reveals some fitness equipment, because everyone loves a date in which they can emulate a day at work.
They work out without sweating, although Heather does say “s**t” a lot and gets an insight into what Sam looks like on the toilet.
Afterwards, the couple are easy and relaxed with each other, wandering around the studio laughing and trying on costumes.
BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE.
Heather has organised a superhero-themed photo shoot with purpose-built costumes for “The Batchman” and “H-Bomb”, because she is a master of puns and making light of nuclear weapons. They look like children’s show presenters on a show that just had its budget cut.
Heather admires Sam’s superhero poses, and comments “Oh, you’ve got like a power fist!”. I just ... I really wish she hadn’t said that.
BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE.
Next, in a romantic tradition no doubt inspired by Othello and Desdemona, Heather and Sam jelly-wrestle in an inflatable kiddie pool.
Back at the Womansion, Emily and Jasmin indulge in their favourite hobby, not understanding how Sam could like Heather. “I think a one-on-one should be a normal kind of date. Like, just give me dinner and drinks,” says Emily. Got it. No power fists for Emily.
BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE.
Heather cooks Sam dinner while they exchange legitimately touching stories about their families. Sam reveals that he’s worried they’re entering the friend zone, but brings her a rose just in case.
BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE.
But enough of the quirky friends. Let’s go to the beach for a group date! Not you, Nina.
Joni is unsure about the beach, presumably for fear that her circuits will rust. “He does think I’m not fun, so I need to bring the fun,” she says, uploading a fun program to her hard drive.
Sam threatens a marshmallow-roasting fireside chat later in the day for the most deserving lady, and Joni does a file scan and concludes: “I think he’s looking for a partner who can share his enjoyment of outdoor activities with him.” After some thought, she adds “1100101011101101”.
During the splashy fun and games that follow, Sam spends a lot of quite impressively bumpy time with his shirt off ...
... and Ebru loses her top in a sea-foamy face-plant. You know what this means? FOUR MORE BLIPS ON THE NIPPLE RADAR.
But it can’t all be fun. This is SERIOUS. LOVE is at stake. Sam must have EARNEST and SINCERE CONVERSATIONS.
Admittedly, Jasmin would rather shoot a water pistol than talk to him for more than 40 seconds.
Admittedly, Laura cannot go for more than 40 seconds without mentioning anal glands.
Admittedly, Joni is still a little unsettled in her surroundings as she says, “I’ve had a bad experience in the past with being literally washing-machined to the point of almost drowning”. OK, “almost drowning” is exactly the same as “not drowning”, “washing machine” is not a verb, and even an undiscovered indigenous tribe in Borneo knows you mean “figuratively”. GOD, Joni. What are you running on, Encarta?
Despite this, Sam chooses Joni for a fireside chat, instantly regretting it when instead of conversation she just reads from a Self-Help Cliche Of The Day calendar.
“I’ve really opened up to the experience, making it about personal growth”, she says.
“Have a relationship with yourself before you have one with someone else,” she says.
“I’ve been trying to fit triangles into squares when it comes to relationships,” she says.
She’s surprised she doesn’t get a rose. A Bornean tribe member looks up from his canoe and says, “Dude, really?”
We finally make it to the cocktail party, a place where a tiny peck on the lips can make satellites fall out of the sky. During his nightly routine of wandering the mansion, choosing people for chats and thrusting stubble out of his pores, Sam absent-mindedly delivers Snezana back to a oestrogen-laden couch with a brief peck on the lips.
Hardly anyone notices.
Jasmin, who thanks to Snezana and Heather’s date discretion thinks it’s the first kiss of the season, acts like a 12-year-old girl who’s just seen her maths teacher at a strip club.
If it wasn’t for Osher entering in a gyprock suit, announcing the rose ceremony and fulfilling his contractual obligations by using the word “journey”, we’d STILL be talking about the world’s most underwhelming scandal.
But he does, and two people are getting the boot, so we know it’s time for three things:
1. Emily’s Pick Me Face:
2. A tense bottom three:
3. And 1980s Victoria Principal and Anal Glands going home.
Goodbye, ladies. Goodbye, Oz. Goodbye, Tin Man. And we’ll miss your anal glands most of all, Scarecrow.
Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Jo will be faithfully recapping The Bachelor for news.com.au. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely
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