Jo Thornely recaps The Bachelor episode 11

THE Bachelor’s producers sure love covering the girls in disgusting brown stuff for some reason. But in last night’s episode, Olena decided to embrace it.

ROSES are red,

Tough Mudder is brown;

Choose the right people,

Or you’re going DOWN.

Well, here we are — the in-between bit. The sincere bit. Everybody who never had a chance is gone, but we don’t have a clear winner yet. It’s basically the perineum part of reality TV.

The final seven are interrupted by Osher whisking a date card from his secretive creases as we learn that Nikki is today’s lucky single dater.

The only question is: what mode of transportation will Richie arrive in? We’ve already had speedboats, tall ships, helicopters, private jets and convertibles, so the only obvious remaining choice is … oh. A whimsical jalopy. I guess.

Awoooga.

Richie proceeds to tick off all the stages in his six-point date plan.

STAGE 1: Tell us he’s been looking forward to this date, tell his date she looks absolutely gorgeous and he’s come up with a date specifically for her. FIRST BIT DONE.

STAGE 2: Travel. The couple have to get from the Womansion to wherever their main activity is. Conversation isn’t usually easy at this stage, and in the jalopy Richie can hardly keep his hand off his horn, so this trip is no exception. Nikki says she’s slipped straight into “Sunday drive with the boyfriend” mode, and it looks like the suspense is killing her. Wait, sorry — the suspension is killing her. This car is a total heap.

STAGE 3: The first venue. Richie says as Nikki’s a country girl, he’s found one of the oldest pubs in rural New South Wales. To help set the mood, the cameraman zooms in on some oldey-timey knick-knacks strewn about the place.

Like this antique avocado.

After Nikki sorts out Richie’s hat hair to look disappointingly like his normal hair, she tells him how happy he makes her and how perfect he is for her. In response, he launches headlong into Stage 4.

STAGE 4: Touch her hair.

He’s just checking blonde levels.

STAGE 5: Find something you can use as a couch and talk about feelings. In this case hay bales will do as long as there’s a metric crapload of soft lighting, candles, and upwards of 20 unnecessary baskets.

Nothing sets the mood like wicker.

This stage includes a sassy banjo and fiddle band (although I dare anybody to find a NON-sassy banjo and fiddle band), the singer of which lets Richie know that they’re available for weddings.

“How smooth is he?” guffaws Richie. “Someone bottle that man’s blood!” he adds, unfortunately not leading to this show’s first ever sassy murder.

STAGE 6: Go the pash. Richie goes against accepted hoedown convention by pulling Nikki close for a slow dance during a banjo solo, and by the closing refrains they’re locked in a firm face embrace. Nikki pours her heart out, saying everything but “I love you”, and Richie responds as Han Solo to her Princess Leia, saying everything but “I know”.

There’s only one thing he can do to make her feel at least as special as every other girl he’s ever met.

STAGE 7: Chuck ‘em a rose.

Please accept this as a symbol that I acknowledge you’re alive.

Then she says it. Nikki tells us to camera that she’s fallen in love.

At this stage the entire Bachelor-watching population is thinking the same thing that best friends and big brothers have thought for centuries: Mate, if you break Nikki’s heart, we’ll have your testicles in a jar.

There’s barely time for the royalty-free violin music to die down before it’s the next day and we’re on a group date in a muddy paddock, continuing a trend of zero evidence that this show has any sponsors at all.

Although I think one of the girls here is chewing Extra.

“We’re doing an obstacle course!” exclaims Alex, laughing uproariously at the hilarious thing she’s just said. Rachael can’t wait to get started, while Olena, dodging mosquitoes, reminds us that “Nobody wants to get in a dirty swamp”. It’s the first time she’s ever expressed her feelings, and it’s truly beautiful.

Osher lets the girls know that they won’t be competing against each other on this date as they’ll have to work as a team, and everyone who’s seen even two minutes of the show laughs uproariously at the hilarious thing he’s just said.

The whole challenge consists of appearing to pull together as a team, while getting as much bitching as possible done in their individual interviews.

The ladies help each other climb a wall.

The ladies help each other crawl through mud under barbed wire.

What is it with coating people in brown on this show?

Olena challenges Richie to an extra crawl through the mud like a “worm on speed”.

Brown, but somehow still hot.

The ladies slide into a vat of ice water and swear words.

The ladies get competitive and undermine each other to camera like they’re fighting for the last sausage sandwich at Bunnings on the weekend.

In the final challenge, the ladies argue about the best way to pull an idiot up a steep incline, which is basically a metaphor for the entire show.

He makes himself lighter by saying “ha ha”.

Rachael despairs at the questionable decisions made by others, explaining it away with “I mean they’re all blondes, aren’t they. I’m the only brunette left”, which is basically a script for the entire show.

They hose each other off in an artistic backlit vignette, and Olena wins the teamwork challenge due to her ability to abandon her team and strike out on her own. And because she’s like, super-hot.

Olena’s Richie-Time date is truly surprising as she FINALLY reveals an intimate detail about herself. “I ate mud for you, Richie. I ate mud” she says. Richie is so stunned that he tells her she’s gorgeous, gives her a rose, and kisses her. Three of the 20,000 fairy lights almost twinkle in shock.

But the weird bamboo house remains stoical.

At the cocktail party that night, Unofficial Commentator Rachael reckons she’s figured out who the top three are.

Nice, Ice, and I’ll Slap You Twice.

With dwindling numbers the usual electric air of the party is absent, but the opportunities for being catty to camera continue. Alex’s “Steph is the obvious girl to be going home” is almost matched by Faith’s “I’ve had a lot more of a connection than say, Steph”. Through careful analysis and editor manipulation, we start to think Steph is going home. We’re just weird like that.

By the time we get to the Rosatorium, not even Osher’s reinforced charcoal suit or Richie’s engorged velvet one can break the tension.

Never put the work experience kid in charge of wardrobe.

One by one Richie fires rose-shaped bullets at the chosen ones, starting with Rachael because even an idiot in velvet knows that without a good commentator, this show is nothing.

When Steph is chosen next, Kiki reminds us that from now on, somebody’s favourite is going home.

Asterisk model’s own.

Eventually only Kiki and Faith, two of the finest humans to ever be wrapped in skin and polyester/spandex remain, because life is unfair, climate change is real, and there is no god.

Anyone who makes Faith cry is DEAD TO ME.

Nine or 10 hours pass, and Kiki is given the old heave-ho. The level of self-assured chutzpah in the room drops dramatically. The chances of Steph being given a sudden and brutal wedgie increase.

Bye, Kiki. We’ll miss your massive personality and almost unfathomably tiny shorts.

Damn this show. Damn it to heck.

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely or check out her Bachelor podcast.