Jo Thornely recaps The Bachelor 2016 episode 6

THE Bachelor’s biggest villain went in for the kill during last night’s episode. Her fellow Bachelorettes were phenomenally unimpressed.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

Keira’s not happy

As a kangaroo.

It’s morning at the Womansion, and after three weeks of Osher arriving with date cards, the ladies are astonished to see Osher arriving with date cards.

So surprised you could’ve popped them with a pin.

First up it’s an Olympic-themed group date on a hockey field, which is totally not a competition, but points will be awarded to each girl and a winner declared at the end.

The Bachelympics start with Richie lighting a ceremonial Weber, and I vote that the gold medal be instantly awarded to whichever crew member has the job of wrapping everything in flowers.

Silver medal for whoever burns this date to the ground.

A world record is broken before the first event is even staged, that of Most Frequent Use Of The Word “Woo”. There’s varying levels of enthusiasm, however, and I invite you to pick which of the athletes below best reflects your personality:

OK, most of us are Olena right now.

When Richie demonstrates heart-shaped-target archery, Alex refers to him as “my man”. Make no mistake. Alex owns Richie. It’s kind of a theme.

Skill levels fill the spectrum, and incredibly Keira almost ends up being happy about something. “I loved being next to Alex and watching her fail,” she gushes, sort of smiling.

In her own defence, Alex claims she doesn’t need archery, because “my own arrows are working just fine”. You see, Alex owns Richie.

This is the business card of Richie Owners Corporation Inc

The second event is a Zorb race, because by law every reality show must contain a Zorb event at least once every three seasons. Faith has always wanted to try one, and says “It made my day seeing those big balls”.

She proves her own pair by barrelling past the finish line and collecting Keira along the way, but by far the most remarkable thing about this challenge is Richie’s description of it, during which he comes dangerously close to having a personality.

He is SUCH a goofy screwball, you guys.

A surprise tie-breaking event is, obviously, wrestling in oversized kangaroo suits. It’s like the script was lifted from Jane Austen’s seminal work, Paws And Implausibility. If you watch Keira’s face really carefully, you can pick up tiny signs that she’s annoyed. Also when she says “I’m just annoyed now. You’ve annoyed me. I’m annoyed”. It’s subtle, but it’s there.

That is one miffed marsupial.

Keira makes being grumpy a major theatrical event, which causes Georgia to offer some truly liberated advice with: “At least pretend, the guy you like is right there”. That’s right, ladies, if you’re pissed off at something but the guy you like is nearby, just pretend you’re happy! Problem solved, no conviction recorded.

Faith wins the Bachelympics but more importantly, Keira loses. It is the mood that can be seen from space.

As Faith claims her Richie-Time prize, she remarks that “Richie always surprises me. Always”. Surprises like a couch, candles, flowers, and champagne served in the exact place they’ve spent the entire day.

Surprising that it’s the sixth identical date in a row.

They chat about the twin loin-inflaming topics of babies and divorce, topping the day off with a rose and a pash to just really keep the theme of riotously unexpected things going.

At this point I have a request for the sound guy: could you maybe move the mic a tiny bit further away when there’s kissing going on? It sounds like somebody put chicken livers in a tumble dryer.

Next it’s single date time, and this episode’s lucky wearer of tiny shorts Kiki meets Richie next to a helicopter, just in time for him to ask “what do you think we’re doing?”

Sudoku, probably.

Richie tells us that he and Kiki are from completely different worlds, but it’s hard to figure out what he’s trying to say. Happily Keira clears that up for us in a chat she’s having separately at the Womansion, announcing “She’s just a bogan”. This is it, ladies and gentlemen. The thin membrane holding all the bitchy in has finally ruptured.

Richie and Kiki set off to do some swooping military manoeuvres in a quest to find somewhere to sit. They’re both totally relaxed in the helicopter, without worrying for even a moment if there’ll be enough fairy lights at their destination.

I really need to know what that chandelier’s hanging from though.

Kiki opens up and tells Richie that “putting myself in physical danger isn’t anywhere near as scary as putting myself in emotional danger”.

Happily it’s clear that nobody at the table is in any danger of actual emotions.

This is a dinner with neither food nor compatibility.

We are talking about Richie the rose-sprayer, though, so she does come home with the flora.

Fast forward to the cocktail party, where Alex holds court with her usual lecture entitled Should I Or Should I Not Use My White Privilege, which Keira, clearly not understanding Alex’s ownership claim over Richie, summarises succinctly as “snore material”.

Keira swiftly asserts her own ownership over excellent use of intentionally inflammatory camera time by having a flirtatious chat and waltz with Richie under the watchful eye of 10 girls who find the gorge rising suddenly to their throats.

Kiki says “I feel like I’m going to vomit in my own mouth”, which gives Keira an idea.

Mmmmm, pot-stirring excellence.

Weakened by a powerful combination of storyline and nausea, a bag full of bitchy regurgitates its contents throughout the Womansion, as Alex tells the other girls that “he deserves so much better than that”.

Once again Keira proves herself a worthy attention contender by sniffing Richie’s neck and whispering “you smell so good, but I could make you smell better”.

It’s excellent, confusing, and not a little disgusting.

By the time Richie takes Nikki for a chat, Alex is crying to the point of mild hyperventilation. “It’s confusing”, she gasps. “It’s scary”, she sobs.

“I just wanted him to come to me”, she crumbles, wiping a tear away with the hand not holding the white rose that would actually instantly solve this problem.

She may misunderstand the fundamental premise of this show, but those other girls misunderstand her contract of ownership.

Especially the solitary crystalline tear clause.

The stench of bitter bitchiness fills the Rosatorium as Osher, sewn into a marbled Perspex suit, introduces Richie.

One by one, Richie flings rose javelins at the ladies, striking barbs of despair into Alex’s heart for each name that isn’t hers.

She lives to own Richie another day though, as it comes down to Rachael and Sasha.

In Russia, LADY eliminates MAN.

Seemingly intent on overlooking every interesting ice-cream flavour in favour of vanilla, the greatest Russian icon since Gorbachev’s birthmark is sent packing.

Bye, Sasha. Wherever you’re going, we hope there are plenty of delicious flowers to eat.

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely