Jo Thornely recaps The Bachelor 2016 episode 14: the home visits

A DAD who’s a Ukrainian boxer. An aggressive brother. And a sister with laser beam eyes. Richie finally met the families — and he was left speechless.

Roses are red,

And grow in the ground.

Ukrainian fathers

Do NOT muck around.

It’s here. Home visits. The episode with almost as many questions as candles.

Better prepare, Richie.

The first question is “Where is all your body hair”

After a wistful, horizon-searching smoothie by the pool, Richie sets off for Alex’s hometown, a place with horses, windmills, and a corrugated iron wall the producers thought would be great to look pensive against.

The rust represents the slow oxygenation of love.

Alex is so glad to see him that she uses many of the available facial expressions, but before we’ve even torn ourselves from the rustic rust, Alex announces that she won’t be introducing Richie to her son Elijah unless he picks her as The One. It’s either a very risky carrot to dangle, or Alex has just been imagining she has a son the whole time. I vote for the latter, as long as I get dibs on the movie rights.

Alex has “prepared” a “picnic” so that she and Richie cannot eat or drink while she briefs him on her family members, and Richie is most nervous about meeting brother Adam, who is short, stocky, and super-protective.

And a seething ball of rage a little bit

Sitting at the dinner table not eating anything, the family start asking semi-scripted questions, at which point we’re introduced to the first instance of Richie’s Awkward Family Face.

Get very used to this face.

Adam tells Richie he knows what the fly-in, fly-out lifestyle is like and asks if he’s ever cheated on a woman, aware of the notorious stream of hotties normally found on an oil rig. Three minutes of suspenseful ad break culminate in Richie saying “nup”, so it’s time for Adam to take Richie outside for a proper grilling.

“I’m not the kind of guy who’s gonna sit in front of you and bullshit you for no reason,” says Richie, reassuring the nugget of fury that he has a very good reason for bullshitting him: abject terror. His nervous stuttering in front of the world’s most stoical beer-drinking basketball is DELICIOUS.

This is a man with body hair.

Elsewhere, the female family members discuss how much they like Richie and ask if Alex is in love. Alex gives the succinct answer: “I’ve definitely fallen for him. I’m definitely falling for him. I have wonderful feelings for him. I’m falling in love with him.”

So in a comparatively brief nutshell:

Positive: Mother loves you/would date you

Negative: Brother will kill you

Declaration of love: Sort of

Pash: Yes

Right in the country

Next we’re off to Olena in Sydney where she’s playing tennis to prepare us for Damir-Dokic levels of fatherly protection. She tells us her father was a professional boxer, and you can almost hear Richie’s testicles hitting the bottom of his ribcage.

Naw, one last hug before you die.

We learn that Olena’s mysterious past includes a lot of tennis, so they have a short game, a short stroll in the park, and some short shorts. During their duplicate preparatory non-eating picnic, Olena reveals that if you piss her father Andre off, you pretty much need to enter a witness protection program. It’s fine though — to relax Richie she utters the soothing words, “I’m actually shitting bricks”.

Olena’s dad is terrifying. It’s excellent.

He’s figuring out your weak spot. It’s all of you.

He doesn’t serve tea, he serves “vodka with the spicy”.

Richie tells him how much he likes motorbikes, he says, “I don’t like bikes”.

When he takes Richie outside to do some boxing, you can pinpoint the exact moment at which Richie poos his pants.

It’s funny because internal bruising

Andre gives his daughter some outstanding patio counsel after dinner, telling her, “Don’t forget, you have just him. He have four”, and telling her he doesn’t think Richie would move to Sydney for her. If Andre ever released a signature fragrance, it would be called ‘Brutal Honesty’.

So, in a Ukrainian nutshell:

Positive: Free vodka

Negative: Father punched you

Declaration of love: Not even close

Pash: Yes.

Duh. Does a bear pash in the woods?

Soon it’s time for Richie to see how the brunette half lives, so it’s off to Perth to meet Rachael on a beach for some fishing metaphors.

Hook, line, and sink her.

Rachael plays the hometown advantage heavily, plying him with oysters that they don’t eat, and roughly 900 family members that they also don’t eat.

We’re starting to learn that the family members to watch out for are the ones with the unwavering steely gaze, and here, that’s Rachael’s sister.

I forgot to Photoshop the lasers in.

We’re also learning that Richie is the undisputed king of awkward dinner table conversation. For every single question he’s asked, he just holds out a bag of cliches like “follow my heart” and “it is what it is” and picks one. When Rachael’s sister asks him if he loves her, he shoots her with a machine gun full of ums.

So in a your-brothers-need-haircuts nutshell:

Positive: Dad thinks you’re sincere

Negative: Brunette

Declaration of love: Fished for, but got away

Pash: Yes. Der.

I hope he’s rinsing in between all these.

Finally we get to Nikki’s hometown, where Richie’s greeted with cuddles and hand-holding and horses and a hat made out of semicircles.

There is more than one semi in this picture.

We learn that Nikki’s family background is in horseracing, that she’s only had one relationship before, and that her Auntie Carol is apparently the family member to look out for. I would bet one million dollars that Auntie Carol makes a bloody bonza scone.

Nikki’s family home almost explodes with gorgeously genuine warmth and love, with the single exception of brother-in-law Snowy, who explodes with tough questions and an Australian drawl so broad it would peel the balls off a ‘roo, mate.

So is Nikki ya bird, or what?

Barbecue tongs in hand, beer resting against his gut, he advises, “Don’t worry about all their fancy shit and what they look like and all that”.

Snowy is the kind of guy who would throw himself between you and a swooping Spring magpie. Snowy is awesome.

Barbs and Aunty Carol seem pretty much on board, and at least one third of Australia calls a cab to Nikki’s house to try and get there before the snags are cooked.

Then, when Nikki and Richie are saying goodbye on the front step, she does it. SHE SAYS IT.

“I’m totally in love with you”, she says.

KISS HER MATE. KISS HER RIGHT NOW.

Nice one, mate.

Basically at this point if Richie picks anyone else, I’ll barbecue him myself.

So, in a fairy tale nutshell:

Positive: You could get married and see Snowy every day

Negative: Possibly undercooked satay chicken but I doubt it

Declaration of love: TOTALLY

Pash: Yes.

We’re so close to the end that we’re doing individual cocktail party voice-over monologues and the girls can all fit in one Rosatorium row.

Alex didn’t get the lace memo.

Osher enters in a moulded highway suit and drags out the word “journey” for as long as he can to build maximum suspense. The last 10 minutes of the episode take an hour, the orchestral brass section reaches a crescendo, and Richie chooses the final three excruciatingly slowly.

Nikki and Olena, being exactly opposite in every way, are safe.

We’re down to a blonde and a brunette.

The sound of our own heartbeat fills our ears.

We have no idea who’s going home.

HA! Kidding. It’s Rachael.

Dang. Too much pigment.

Bye Rach. We’ll miss your brown hair, big laugh, and backwards triple with a half-pike and no splash.

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely or check out her Bachelor podcast.