Jo Thornely recaps episode 6 of The Bachelor

THREE of the Bachelorettes went on dates with Sam Wood last night. They were having a good time. Then they realised they’d been fooled.

WELCOME to episode six of The Bachelor, the home of changing tyres, joke backfires, and miscellaneous bird parts.

Everything starts innocently enough, with Sam planning some dates while doing fitness next to a hashtag.

Part bending, part trending.

It’s also a normal morning at the Womansion — y’know, Jasmin looking disapprovingly at stuff, Snezana being hot, Emily hanging her mouth open slightly — until Osher walks in with an envelope.

It’s a single date for Ebru! It’s fair to say that Ebru is shocked.

“I was shocked!” says Ebru.

Plus, I want a spin-off show called Things Ebru’s Face Does.

Sam confides to us that he’s actually taking three girls on identical dates with pre-organised hiccups, to see how they react. “I wanna see which girls can have a laugh. They can have a laugh at me, but also have a laugh at themselves,” he says.

Oh, yeah. This is definitely a plan with no drawbacks. I mean, historically speaking, girls competing with other girls to find a husband have GREAT senses of humour when it comes to toying with their hopes and dreams. Go for it.

“I’m calling it the ‘Groundhog Date’,” says Sam. That’s funny, because everyone else it is calling it the “This Is Mean And You Are Mean Date”. Language is so funny sometimes.

When Jacinda and Bec are also delivered, their date fate via starched Osher and golden cardboard, the others get suspicious. It’s like someone shook a ripe oh-my-god tree right in the middle of the kitchen.

Sorry, but that’s as surprised as Emily’s dermatologist will allow her to get.

Suspicion notwithstanding, let us start this glorious, ridiculous farce.

PART ONE, IN WHICH OUR HEROINES ARE UNPERTURBED BY GREASY NUTS

Sam’s devious plan kicks into gear when the date limo gets a fake flat tyre, an illusion helped immeasurably by the chauffeur’s very terrible acting.

Will the girls make it through this without getting frazzled? Will they offer to help without being worried about getting dirty? Will they know what to do?

Well, yeah. Duh. It’s 2015, and women are almost like normal people.

With like ...

... visible underwear, and like ...

... mad nut tightening skills.

Done. Tick. Next.

PART TWO, IN WHICH WETNESS IS NO BARRIER TO PLEASURE

I’m not really sure what kind of coping skills Sam is testing when he takes each girl out on a jet boat, unless he’s curious to see if Ebru, Jacinda and Bec are some of those weirdos who like having fun.

Granted, Sam’s date last week with Madeleine was besmirched by her fixation with the dangers of moisture, but these girls?

They

Seem

Fine.

PART THREE, IN WHICH THE HELP TRIES TO CUT MY GRASS

The next part of the Test Which Nobody Is Having Trouble Passing consists of an actress/waitress flirting with Sam. Does she engage him in witty banter? She does not. Does she bat her lashes in a comely manner? She does not. Does she pour cold water on Sam’s genitals and wipe them vigorously?

CHECK PLEASE

She does.

Bec ignores her and keeps gazing at Sam.

Jacinda is microscopically rattled for the first time today, but hides it pretty well.

Go to your happy place, ’Cin.

The best reaction, though, is happening over at Things Ebru’s Face Does.

She is beauty. She is grace. She does cool stuff with her face.

PART FOUR, IN WHICH A DUCK EXPLODES

When the flirtress brings a plate of deep-fried crickets and says, “Today we’re going to Mexico!”, she’s mistaken. Today we’re taking the fast train up Vomit Mountain.

Ebru stares and utters, “It literally looked like a cricket, but just … fried”. Her cookbook, Ebru’s Casserole Of Obvious, hits stores next June.

Jacinda says: “I thought it was gonna be like this fancy meal and we were gonna have this fancy stuff and I had to sit all proper, but it was so far from that.” Her book on etiquette, Jacinda’s Fancy Crap And That, is available now.

Second course is what the waitress calls “poultry three ways”, but she’s mistaken. It’s chicken feet, duck tongues, and duck chins. It is the edges of poultry.

Now look, if I show you a photo of duck chins, do you promise not to look them up on Urban Dictionary?

There. Your curiosity is satisfied. Don’t. Don’t do it.

All Bec wants is to see Sam put an entire duck chin in his mouth.

This is impressive with or without Urban Dictionary.

Back at the Womansion, the girls who have not been eating the Colonel’s eleven secret snouts and entrails await the daters’ return to find out what’s going on.

First Bec returns, and regales them with tales of unexpected whimsy.

And our TOWELS were over the back of our chairs the WHOLE TIME.

Then Jacinda enters and tells them the exact same story, to which Emily’s response is clearly, “What the fried crickets?!”

Honestly, the craziest flooping things happen to these motherflappers.

Bec and Jacinda realise their dates weren’t as special as they believed and get upset. It’s probably not a good time for Ebru’s face to arrive home right now.

Heeeeeeey, guys! Let me tell you about my totally unique ... wait.

They piece it together. They’ve been had. There’s tears. There’s anger. There’s a walkout. In the distance, Sandra laughs.

By the time evening comes around, Sam might as well just stay home and send his testicles to the cocktail party in a jar.

Happily, Sam’s careful earnestness brings Bec and Ebru back from the precipice of rage.

Look at those rage-soothing furrows. Look at them.

Unfortunately the same can’t be said of Jacinda. Sam confesses that he doesn’t think they could be more than friends, and she’s devastated.

I ate FEET for you.

Jacinda’s coolness lets her soften a little, hug him a bit, punch him a bit, and accept that she’s not The One. In turn, he doesn’t want to drag her through a rose ceremony, as he prefers to reject her in private.

Jacinda gets in a waiting car and goes home. It’s bittersweet. It’s beautiful. It’s ... kind of an anticlimax.

Osher’s serious face tells the waiting girls that they won’t be seeing Sam that night or Jacinda ever. Their reaction is understandable.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BAR’S CLOSED?!?

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Jo will be faithfully recapping The Bachelor for news.com.au. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely

For more giggles and drama:

The Bachelor episode 1 recap

The Bachelor episode 2 recap

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