Jo Thornely recaps episode 5 of The Bachelor
LOOK, we expect a certain degree of smut on the Bachelor, but this kiss was so weird that it broke a world record and left viewers cringing.
IT’S Episode five of The Bachelor, with record-smashing pashing, soccer bubble troubles, and I guess someone called Rachel?
And just so, so much screaming.
We open in the Womansion, where SANDRA! screams “WOW, THE ROOM IS GETTING SMALLER AND SMALLER!”. No, sweetie. That’s just the sound of your voice relentlessly bouncing off the walls.
Osher, in carbon laminate printed to look like a shirt, enters with an envelope, the signal for 11 sphincters to all clench simultaneously.
Inside is a cryptic message about records and Nina’s name. It’s her first date of any kind, so she’s understandably thrilled. Emily, known for her emotional generosity, is also pleased.
Sam meets Nina by the harbour, looking at her eyes the whole time.
They set off, Sam telling Nina what he loves about her.
“I love that you haven’t come up to me and said why haven’t I been on a date yet”, he says.
“I love that you’ve only been to Sydney once”, he adds, trying to think of more things.
“I love that you’ve got an amazing sense of adventure”, he continues.
Finally Sam reveals that they’ll be climbing the Harbour Bridge to break a world record, which turns out to be the record for ugliest grey jumpsuit. Once at the top, Osher tells them they’ll actually be breaking the record for longest on-screen TV kiss.
They start, and an inset with a counter appears to indicate the time.
The music gets softer. The kiss gets hotter. Osher shouts advice, making me worry that if these two get married Sam might not be able to perform without a Gunsberg gee-up. That’s one awkward honeymoon.
Back at the house, Snezana asks Emily if she thinks Sam and Nina will share a moment today.
“No” says Emily, while they literally pash right under her nose.
Kiss over and record smashed, Sam and Nina head to a candlelit harbourside cushion expo where they drink champagne and talk about relationships and other serious stuff. You can tell it’s serious, because Sam uses ‘serious face’.
Nina tells him “I don’t follow rules, I follow fireworks”. That’s actually really dangerous, Nina. There are specific rules saying you shouldn’t follow fireworks.
Despite her disregard for fire safety, Sam gives her a rose.
Next it’s group date time, which can only mean one thing: inflatable balls. Eight girls head off to play bubble soccer and listen to SANDRA! wail like a banshee with a papercut.
“I’M SO COMPETITIVE! I NEED TO SHINE!” shouts SANDRA!, never closing her mouth from that point, earning a counter of her own.
Bubble soccer is HILARIOUS. While Sam referees and laughs up his spleen, two teams gracefully punt the ball around the pitch.
SANDRA! scores the first goal. It sounds like a jet engine covered in angry cats being dragged through a Year 7 recorder class.
Team Green is victorious, earning a Mexican-themed boat celebration while Team Gold goes home. Jacinda tries to convince Emily that a strap-burn from the soccer bubble is really a hickey, but underestimates Emily’s skill at identifying ball-chafe.
The party proves to be a booze-up in which a piñata sadly goes overboard, and the universally irritating SANDRA! sadly doesn’t.
Sam pulls SANDRA! aside for a “quiet” chat. She pulls words randomly out of a bag and shouts them, while he tells us diplomatically that “she doesn’t understand there are times when it’s better to stop and think and pause”.
She truly believes the talk goes well. He truly looks ready to volunteer to be a replacement piñata.
It’s finally cocktail party time, and the theme last night is Sexy vs. Friendly. Heather, not talking about anyone in particular (Emily) says “There are girls in this house (Emily) that just ooze sex”.
Not on the cushions, I hope.
She worries that she’s not his type because “there’s a lot of girls (Emily) with the pretty (Emily) and the big ... (Emily)”
Elsewhere, Emily remarks: “I think Heather feels a lot of jealousy towards the other girls (Me). We’re not super-close. Well, we’re not close period”.
Couple more weeks in the house and you’ll probably synch up. Science.
Sam approaches Emily for a chat, as Emily’s rule book states that she must never approach a man. It also has tips for avoiding bubonic plague and other advice from the 14th century.
When Emily asks: “What exactly (Me) are you looking for?” Sam says he’s looking for chemistry over friendship. Heather supporters nationwide set fire to their televisions.
Emily proudly tells the other girls about the conversation, but Heather doesn’t take it too well.
“As soon as I mentioned that he’s looking for fire, not friendship, she got up and left”, Emily purrs.
Apparently Sam’s perfect girl is a Heather in the streets and an Emily in the sheets. As long as the oozing stops, though. They’re really nice sheets.
The Rose Ceremony begins with two faces: Emily’s Pick Me Face:
And Osher’s This Is Serious You Guys face:
Roses are harpooned at the romantically fortunate until only two girls remain:
In a surprise comparable to opening a bag of nuts and finding nuts inside, SANDRA! is eliminated.
Bye, Sandra. We’ll miss you very, very much. And we have tinnitus.
I SAID WE HAVE TINNITU ... never mind.
Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Jo will be faithfully recapping The Bachelor for news.com.au. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely
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