Jo Thornely recaps episode 3 of The Bachelor. There’s pashing.
ON THE Bachelor last night, a date went so badly wrong that someone was sent home. It still wasn’t the most awkward part.
IT’S episode three of the Bachelor: A Tale Of Two Picnics, in which Madeleine stains her teeth with wine, Snezana stains her teeth with Sam, and Emily grinds her teeth with relentless determination.
We open with wistful Sam on a balcony, telling us what he’s looking for in a relationship and irritatingly not exposing his nipples.
“I’m not here to settle”, he says. “I’m here to be doing backflips for the rest of my life”. Either he or I missed an important sex education class somewhere.
Back at the Womansion, Osher bounces into the living room without a gold envelope. First no nipples and now this? CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATIONS, PEOPLE. He explains that this week, the girl who gets the solo date will be decided by the girls themselves, causing a wave of shock and facial expressions.
Jacinda, the narrator of this show, announces “the control is back in our hands”. Well sure, as long as you subscribe to the patriarchy in a more or less submissive sense, sure.
There’s much discussion regarding whether people should be nice and vote deserving daters in, or if they should vote for Sandra.
Heather in particular says “I’m not interested in putting another beautiful girl in his path”. Oh ANOTHER beautiful girl.
She then votes for Sandra, “because nobody else will”.
Exactly half of the girls vote for Sandra, with the other half voting for Australia’s Sweetheart Most Likely To Take Over Should Delta Goodrem Abdicate, Madeleine. An Osher-led tie-break thrusts victory at Madeleine, and she’s up at dawn’s crack for her date.
Sam and Mads are going boating in a very small yacht known as a ‘rowboat’. “This is like The Notebook!” she squeals delightedly, referring to a film in which one person gets dementia and two people die. It’s cold and rainy, eliminating the chance of seeing any nipples this week at all. We’ll just have to take this as compensation:
Sam is pleased that timid Mads was voted in by the other girls, as he wants to get to know her better. He explains that “my initial impressions of Madeleine were made at the Bond shoot”.
As rain falls on the boat and subsequent picnic, the date becomes less like The Notebook and more like a catalogued list of Madeleine’s disappointments. She doesn’t want to get wet because of her hair and mascara. She doesn’t want to drink red wine because it will stain her teeth. She doesn’t want to eat strawberries because this is The Notebook, not Pretty Woman. She doesn’t want to eat in front of Sam because it’s 1950.
Basically Madeleine’s ideal date is standing still in a white room with her hands by her sides, not sitting under an umbrella on a mat in a puddle.
Let’s just summarise the date with a single picture and move on.
Meanwhile, Bec has accidentally stumbled across a gold envelope back at the Womansion, which to everyone’s confusion contains the details of ANOTHER solo date. Seems a good opportunity to check in on Emily’s Pick Me Face, yes?
Snezana’s the lucky target, cementing her place as this show’s slightly less maternally-prolific Angelina Jolie as she and Sam arc skywards in a balloon filled with hot air, cuddles, and the hopes and dreams of a nation. But the thing hasn’t happened yet.
They land and wander through a vineyard, feeding each other grapes without a thought about what they’ll do to their teeth. But the thing hasn’t happened yet.
They talk about Snezana’s daughter and happen across an idyllic picnic setup. But the thing hasn’t happened yet.
Then.
The thing.
The thing happens.
He brings her a rose. They kiss again and again. It’s almost TOO perfect. There’s only one problem:
After Snezana’s return, a roaring-20s-themed cocktail party begins with Joni spending half an hour creepily fixing Sam’s hair.
Sam pressures Heather into turning her white rose into actual date plans, threatening that “You’re gonna have to watch me take out girl after girl until you get your act together”. Heather’s pleased he wants a date, and clearly delighted at the inroads this conversation makes into contemporary feminism.
Sandra smoothly interrupts a chat between Sam and Sarah. It goes really well. It’s totally natural and everyone’s completely comfortable.
“Someone get me a shovel”, Sandra says. “I need to dig myself a hole”. There’s an ad break as fourteen girls, three producers, two key grips and a dude that wandered onto set by mistake all frantically look for a shovel.
The rose ceremony starts, and there’s enough feathers, sequins, and man-made fabrics crammed together to be a legitimate fire hazard.
Nerves are high as the ladies assess their chances. Sandra considers that Sam could have taken her recent chat interruption in one of two ways: either she’s crazy, or she’s making an effort.
While roses are being slowly distributed, it seems like a good time to check in on Emily’s Pick Me Face again.
Rose numbers dwindle, tension builds, and it comes down to Australia’s Sweetheart Madeleine and Anal Glands Laura. Despite having immaculate hair and unstained teeth, Madeleine is sent home.
It’s kind of a relief. Nobody wants to see weeping Anal Glands.
Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Jo will be faithfully recapping The Bachelor for news.com.au. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely
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