James Weir recaps The Bachelorette episode 9

YOU blew it mate. He was one of the Bachelorette’s favourites from the start, but one answer may have ended his chances.

SAM Frost always seems to get the crap end of the stick.

It’s the second last episode of The Bachelorette and Channel Ten has really tightened the purse strings.

Sam needs to organise three more private dates with Sasha, Michael and Richie to help solidify her final choice and the best they can offer is a couple of vouchers to RedBalloon.com.au and whatever alcohol is left in the office fridge.

But like a trooper, Queen Frost makes it work.

First, we hide in a bush and film her without her realising.

‘Is somebody there?’

SASHA

Similar to Liam Neeson’s daughter in Taken, Sasha’s blindfolded and shoved in the back of a car.

‘I do not have a particular set of skills.’

He meets Sam at an airport to go skydiving. FYI: Sasha hates heights.

Sam says she’s aware this is his greatest fear, and that’s exactly why she’s orchestrated this date.

I hate salmon, and if a potential partner forced me to eat it I’d pull their hair, so I can only imagine how Sasha’s feeling.

In the plane, Sasha takes a moment to whisper something sexy in Sam’s ear.

Cute!

He also has a small man strapped to his back, and I can’t remember if he’s been attached to Sasha for the whole series.

Oh hey.

They hurl themselves out of the plane and Sasha’s fine. Once on the ground, Sam feels sick and has to have a lie down in the middle of the field. The camera angle is not very flattering. It’s like when you’re lying on your bed and you accidentally open the front-camera on your iPhone.

Not even a Jolie Pitt looks good at this angle.

Over wine and cheese, Sam gets honest about her “insecurities”. She basically says she doesn’t have “nice things” and is worried that, once life goes back to normal, Sasha won’t find her one-bedroom rental or Hyundai Excel very enchanting.

Of course he says none of that matters and they kiss.

RICHIE

OK, so more aircraft.

The novelty of a private chopper has worn off.

Richie arrives wearing a butt-tonne of wool and Sam informs him they’ll be choppering to the snowfields.

Jumping in the helicopter, Richie says “boom chucka lucka” and “cool bananas” and we begin to question whether looks are enough.

As the helicopter lowers into the snowfields, they squash a child’s snowman and a group of amateur skiers scatter and slam into pine trees in an effort to dodge it.

The biggest thing to come out of this date is Richie’s the hottest pale redhead to hit the slopes since Tilda Swinton in the Chronicles of Narnia.

Sam and Richie don’t really do much here. Honestly, they really do just lie on the ground and roll around. They also kiss.

Mmm wet dirt!

Cosying up at the ski lodge, Sam says she’s worried Richie’s struggling to open up.

Richie stumbles his way through some half-formed sentences and doesn’t really articulate anything.

He says: “I do have a big crush on ya. I am open to falling in love.” He’s “open” to the idea of perhaps falling in love with Sam, but he’s not falling yet.

After that lukewarm response, Sam’s probably open to the idea of perhaps not giving him a rose stump.

Next date.

MICHAEL

We hit the high seas for the final one-on-one date and go whale watching.

One final date means Michael has to crowbar in whatever sleazy lines he hasn’t used yet.

“My mother proposed to my father … would you ever do it?” he asks Sam.

“OH LOOK WE’RE UNDER THE HARBOUR BRIDGE!” Sam exclaims, pretending she doesn’t hear the question.

They cuddle. They see whales. They get messy hair.

Back on land, they jump the fence at Sea World and have dinner in a giant fishtank.

Even the shark looks unimpressed that it’s forced to be involved in this crumby date.

‘Ugh’

Michael tells Sam he’s falling in love with her and they both get mushy.

The romance ends abruptly when this drunk bitch slams her face up against the restaurant window.

‘HAI!’

ROSE STUMP DISTRIBUTION

Drinks are skipped. Refer to first few pars in this article about dwindling budget.

Sam’s late because she was in the loungeroom dusting the furniture with her shoulders.

TREND ALERT: Shoulder dusters.

Everyone stares at various points around the room in silence for about seven minutes.

Eventually, Sasha gets the first rose stump. And Michael gets the second.

Sam develops an allergic reaction to the dusty feathers on her shoulders and this turns into crying over letting Richie go.

Achoo.

Sah sad.

For the past few weeks, Sam has been giving some incredible breakup lines. But not tonight. She doesn’t really provide a reason, instead just using positive adjectives.

“I think you are so amazing,” she praises Richie. “You have the most beautiful soul, you’ve made me laugh. You’ve grown so much and completely come out of your shell … I think you’re amazing doing this.”

Richie, being a spellbinding merman, has probably never had to deal with any kind of rejection and it’s captivating to watch.

But it’s OK. He’s returning to Perth to continue his vague career as a Rope Access Technician. And if you’re lucky, maybe he’s accessing his rope somewhere near you.

For more talk on The Bachelorette, download and subscribe to the KIIS podcast: The Heckle.

For more observations about sassy fish and shoulder feathers, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir.