James Weir recaps The Bachelorette episode 8

CLINGY sisters, creepy dads and mums acting like Tracy Grimshaw. It’s the hilariously awkward home visit episode.

AT LAST, the home town visits episode has rolled around on The Bachelorette.

So much to enjoy. Imagining the shock each producer felt as they walked into each family’s crap shack and tried to jazz it up with a couple of throw pillows and a bowl of lemons.

But the true joy comes from witnessing the mums put on shoulder pads and go all Tracy Grimshaw on Sam by asking the tough questions.

Medicate yourselves with alcohol. You’re about to meet some clingy sisters and dorky mates.

MICHAEL

In Brisbane, Sam arrives at a soccer field in the middle of nowhere. Michael’s brought her to his first soccer club, but given the murkiness surrounding his international soccer career, I’m not sure I believe he was ever in this junior league.

The whole first part of this date is boring. They kick a ball around and then end up on a boat in the middle of the river. Honestly, I zoned out.

Staring at this ball for 20 mins is basically the date.

After killing time, they finally make their way to Michael’s parents’ swanky apartment.

Michael and his dad hug and call each other “champion” and “buddy”. They’ve 100 per cent never called each other that before.

Throughout this series, Michael’s put on display his lame moves and slimy lines.

And it becomes clear they were passed on to him from his father, who spends the whole night creeping on Sam.

Text alone doesn’t articulate what went down.

Think wide eyes, neurotic Woody Allen voice, lots of hand gesturing and standing too close.

He talks way too much about Sam’s eyes and the way she looks.

“Now, I know I’m talking physically but they say eyes are the window to the soul. Would you like to see the window to South Bank?” he oddly segues.

Sam accepts the invitation to see the window to South Bank, mainly so she can climb out of it.

They have dinner and, later on, Michael’s dad tells Sam she can visit anytime — “and you don’t have to bring Michael”.

*SHUDDER*

Sam and Michael leave and his parents kiss like Kath Day and Kel Knight.

She was nice, different, unusual.

It seems during dinner, Michael was pulled into the kitchen by his dad and given another hot pick-up tip. On the street, Michael puts it into practice to tell Sam he loves her. Kinda. I guess?

Vom.

ALEX

Like Mel B, Alex is from England, so the “home visit” aspect of the “home visit” episode gets thrown through a loop.

Instead, Alex just takes Sam to a beach he once drove past. They go surfing and hire a beautiful mansion to hang out in for the night.

Totally awesome, so far. No stupid family members and a sweet pad. Sam’s into it.

Alex then gives Sam a five-minute heads-up that his sister has flown over from New Zealand and will join them.

His sister Helen arrives and we immediately realise who Emily Blunt’s character in The Devil Wears Prada is closely based on.

She’s throwing shade everywhere.

At one point she basically says this (keep in mind, British accent): “Oh, you’re filming a little television programme? Hmmmm I wouldn’t know, I don’t own a tele.”

Then she actually says this word-for-word: “I apologise, I didn’t really watch any of it ... it’s a bit of an alien concept for me — you know, for someone to go ahead and do something like this ...”

At the end of the night, Sam looks like she hasn’t slept for three days and we’re all left feeling a little judged by Helen.

Helen.

RICHIE

Catching a Greyhound bus over to Perth, Sam meets up again with Richie. He’s so excited for the day to begin he says: “Cool sticks!”

Is this a thing? I don’t think this is a thing. Is it what New Zealanders call iceblocks?

“Put the kewl stucks in the chully bun,” Bic Runga might say on a warm day.

Anyway, Richie probably hated himself immediately for saying it.

They meet Richie’s mum and sister at their house along with a handful of Richie’s dorky mates for a barbecue.

It’s like your not-so-popular cousin’s 21st birthday party.

Richie’s mum and sister are obsessed with him and totally think he’s perfect. And yes, he is. But there’s a part of me that just wants to shock them by telling them all the dirty things he probably does on a night out.

Richie’s sister stipulates that if things were to work out between them, they’ll need to stay in Perth because it’s necessary for her to “speak to him sporadically”.

Clingy sister.

And Richie’s mum makes it clear she won’t tolerate any tripe from Sam, thankyouverymuch.

“Quite frankly I thought she was gonna be a princess and this was all just a big ‘I wanna be on TV’ sorta process,” girlfriend says.

No princesses.

The romance that was once present between Sam and Richie seems to have shifted with this date, and they part ways without a kiss.

SASHA

In Bowral, Sasha lays it on thick very early on.

Unlike Kayne, who wrote and performed his own rap, Sasha outsources and commissions a friend to write and perform a love song.

The song is as good as the friend’s balayage.

This keyboard may not be plugged in.

It’s not clear how much warning this friend got to write the song, because he only sings one line before petering off into some off-key vocal trills.

Channel Ten saves the mess and just starts playing their own production music over him while Sasha and Sam dance and kiss.

Once inside Sasha’s family home, we get to witness some hot photos from the archive.

Bae.

We then meet Sasha’s mum Kim.

She has some one-on-one time with Sam and catches her off guard by beginning with an easy question before following up with the big one.

“Sasha’s a lovely boy isn’t he — WHAT ABOUT GRANDKIDS?!” is the subtle line of questioning.

There’s no real car-crash moment at this home visit. The family’s nice and seems to like Sam. They’re both happy with each other. Sasha will probably win.

ROSE STUB CITY

Back at the mansion, the boys fight over who gets to wear the one white suit to the rose ceremony.

Feature jackets are the new feature walls.

Osher enters and refuses to talk above a whisper.

Shhhhh.

It comes down to Richie and Alex. Richie’s a beautiful sea prince, so clearly he stays. Alex doesn’t receive a rose stub.

Again, Sam gives a stellar breakup line: “I just wasn’t sure how I’d fit into your life.”

We just wonder how Emily Blunt feels.

MEOW.

For more talk on this episode of The Bachelorette, download and subscribe to the KIIS podcast: The Heckle.

For more observations about cool sticks and clingy sisters, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir.