James Weir recaps The Bachelorette episode 7

THE boys had to cook for Sam in last night’s episode of The Bachelorette, but surprisingly, the food wasn’t the most cringeworthy part.

IT’S episode seven of The Bachelorette, where the importance of making your “fun facts” actually fun is made clear with a lot of passive aggressive behaviour.

One guy gets dumped and the Top 4 will take Sam to their towns for the home visits.

Settle down with a plate of canapés — and don’t even think about pronouncing that word properly.

We open with the boys doing an intense workout on the mansion court. Clearly they’ve used a really good antiperspirant because no one has broken a sweat.

Single AND dry!

Interrupting the grunt session, Osher appears to offer the final single date card of the series. It’s a big deal and Sasha scores this one, making it his second single date card.

Michael’s never received one and now he never will, but he’s totally cool with it.

“It hasn’t rattled me but it’s thrown me off my game,” he says, rattled.

The boys are also informed they’ll all be involved in a group date where they have to cook and throw a dinner party for Sam.

Osher dubs it the ‘last supper’. Five gross straight guys cooking an elaborate meal. Jesus’ was probably better.

The boys get cracking immediately on the menu and each take on a course. Richie puts his hand up for canapés. At one point he pronounces them as “can-apes” but that doesn’t matter because he’s dreamy.

He then attempts to cut chorizo into hearts. This is awful and a waste of good chorizo, but it’s Richie so it doesn’t matter.

A love as real as artificial meat.

As expected, the dishes are unimpressive. Michael comes out holding plates, says something in French and then declares he’s serving “fish of love”. He then tells Sam her meal was made with “extra love”. Even she vomms a little bit.

After dinner, they play ANOTHER “fun fact” game with more “fun facts” written on cards. This series has been lousy with stupid “fun facts”.

The boys basically write down little facts about themselves on the back of a receipt and plonk them in a bowl. Sam has to pull them out and guess which guy they’re about. It’s as bland as it sounds and not nearly as fun as that other game with the bowl and the keys.

These facts provide a lot of insight into who these guys really are. For example: Alex has weird ears. Richie likes to sleep outside. Dave once had bad teeth.

Then Michael comes out with more contrived, sentimental rubbish.

“My biggest fear is never finding my soulmate,” he’s written.

While Dave is usually way too smiley, this has made him frown. He thinks Michael’s fact didn’t comply with the rules of “fun facts”. Dave’s chief argument? It’s wasn’t friggin funny.

He gets passive aggressive and starts throwing jibes around about the un-fun facts and Sam notices that he withdraws throughout the night.

‘Gaiz we said FUN facts! Humph’.

The following day, after some assumed food poisoning wears off, Sam and Sasha hit the road for their private date.

She surprises him with this really old car. Sam then takes on the role of Sandy, Sasha becomes Danny, the other boys run out in tight jeans and white tees and they perform “Greased Lightning”.

Like, does he have a car?’

They cruise to a groovy warehouse apartment where they have to get arty and paint a giant canvass.

It’s like the sexy pottery wheel scene from Ghost except without the pottery wheel and the sexiness.

Exactly like Demi.

“I definitely feel like our artwork represents the chemistry that was in the room,” Sam says.

Please take a look at the artwork and take from it what you will:

Love explosion.

Sam and Sasha are then perched in a stylised area from a Freedom catalogue and get deep, bonding over a lot of emotional things. They talk about Sam’s stepdad who died of a stroke and Sasha’s mum — all things I won’t joke about in fear of starting an uproar.

It ends with a pash and a rose stub.

Slop.

At the cocktail party, Dave still isn’t over the “fun facts” debacle and when Sasha returns from the date, Dave brings it up again.

“We’re just talking about the sad facts, I mean fun facts that we had at the dinner,” he says with the subtly of your grandma when she tells you she hates your haircut.

“I thought it was a bit more of a lighthearted joke and everyone was throwing in curveballs like being homeless and sleeping under the stars, or soulmates. They’re not fun.”

Sasha says the boys interpreted “fun” to mean “interesting”.

Dave remains perturbed. His dissatisfaction with the “fun facts” outcome is about as obvious as the giant red bow tie he’s wearing.

Ugh fun.

Dave then makes a big deal to get some private time with Sam. He jumps up and forces himself on her and drags her outside. He seems eager, as if he has a burning question for Sam or an exciting anecdote he’s dying to share.

Sam’s all ears. Turns out Dave actually has nothing to say.

“ ... Anything you wanna ask me?” she invites.

“To be honest, I think I’ve sorta expressed myself,” he fumbles.

They promptly return to the living room.

At the rose ceremony, it comes down to Alex and Dave. You don’t need a witchy deck of tarot cards to predict who doesn’t receive a rose.

Dave’s given the boot. Sam escorts him out and delivers a KILLER breakup spiel.

It’s filled with gems like: “I feel like you’d be one of my greatest friends” and “I can’t wait for you to have your happiness”. Brilliant lines. Write them down and use them on a Dave in your own life.

For more talk on this episode of The Bachelorette, download and subscribe to the KIIS podcast: The Heckle.

For more observations about fun facts and sexy pottery wheels, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir.

‘It’s not you, it’s you’.