James Weir recaps The Bachelorette episode 5

BACHELORETTE Sam’s double date was already awkward enough. Then one of her suitors botched a simple question.

WHO knew the boys of The Bachelorette would last this long?

It seems when producers signed on this round of single males, they assumed the weaker ones would crap out of the competition early to help speed things up. But this is not the case.

So episode five is all about pulling out the weeds.

Two fellas are officially eliminated and a kids’ party with 30 annoying small people is staged — perhaps in the hope a quarter of the men will evict themselves.

But first, Tony and Davey are selected for a double date with Sam on a cruise ship in the middle of Sydney Harbor. And only one will return.

To get you up to speed, Tony is a flight attendant (well, Airline Cabin Manager, but come on) and Davey is an annoying young boy who probably works at General Pants.

Setting out in a water taxi, the guys are excited because they think Sam wants to spend time with them but really, she’s just not keen on either and is using this as an excuse to quickly snuff one out.

Shipwrecked in life and love.

Any kind of event on a boat is terrible, and Sam really didn’t think this one through. She’s trapped herself at sea with two bland guys she’s doesn’t even like.

We all expect Davey to be the mess tonight — maybe getting drunk after three beers and streaking before tumbling over the ship’s railing.

But it’s Tony who’s off his game. Maybe he’s distracted trying not to spill anything on his white Roger David rental suit. Maybe he’s just a bozo.

Sam puts them to the test with a Cosmo quiz.

“Do you believe in soulmates?” she asks.

“Soulmates ... um ... how would you ... I dunno ... like, I guess ... what would you describe soulmates to be though?” Tony says with a sense of confusion not seen since that Rachel Dolezal interview.

Tony, what’s your name?

“Well I think soulmates is a person you can feel most comfortable with,” Davey jumps in smugly.

“When you find your soulmate, no matter what you do is fun, so you can make anything out of nothing. And that’s what I find fun.”

Sam’s unusually impressed with Davey.

It’s important to note, Davey didn’t actually say anything of significance — it was all garbage — but unlike Tony, he said words in a sentence. And like a multiple choice exam, choosing any answer is better than not giving one at all.

This has made up Sam’s mind and Tony’s dumped. Sam’s reason for letting him go is about as articulate as Tony’s answer to the Cosmo quiz.

“Um ... yeah ... so ... you’re really nice ... but ... yeah,” she basically says.

And with that, Tones is quite literally shoved into a rescue tinnie, lowered into the ocean and pushed off out to sea.

‘I’d like to make a ship to shore call to Blake’

Returning to shore, Sam takes the boys to a birthday party with 30 screaming children. The challenge is for the guys to each create their own stall or game to attract the kids.

Most of the guys do an OK job. Richie wears a sombrero and gets chased by the little people but still looks dreamy. Sasha does something with paint.

But Dave kinda fails. He creates a game called “shark island” where the three-year-olds have to risk their lives and run between circles while trying not to get eaten by a shark (Dave’s the shark). The concept is terrifying. There are more tumbleweeds rolling between the islands than children.

Dave also paints his face. His intention is to look like a shark, but in reality he looks more like Heath Ledger as The Joker. Again, this is terrifying.

Steal her style.

Michael tells a cringey fairytale and scores the private date. Now seems like the appropriate time to bring up the fact Michael has worn the same three-quarter cardigan in every episode.

In case you’ve missed it, this creepy security camera in Sam’s house picked it up:

Cardigan Cam.

Clearly a fan of Trinny and Susannah, Michael has taken their advice about splashing out on one big statement item at the beginning of every season and getting a lot of wear out of it. Michael’s worn this wool lady gown so much he’s practically made a profit.

Sam cooks him a surprise dinner of ham and cheese sandwiches. And swear to god, Michael flinches when he sees the carbohydrates and then physically recoils when he realises they have to go inside his food hole.

Afterwards, Sam copies the “fun facts about Michael” cards he gifted her last week with her own version. She even matches his lame “kiss voucher”.

Carefree yet beautiful penmanship.

I’m not entirely familiar with this currency. I don’t know if this means two kisses are now up for grabs or if this is just giving permission for the first kiss voucher to be redeemed. Either way, they smash faces and he gets a rose stub.

Ts&Cs: Voucher must be redeemed in one transaction.

Dave has spent the rest of the day fretting. He thinks because his game at the kids party was a stinker, he’s going to be eliminated.

He steals Sam away at the cocktail party to justify himself.

“Like, you’ve got no idea how much I wanna be here,” he says through an exhausted smile.

“Four weeks ago, whatever, I was in a trench digging, trying to explain to someone how to replace a sewer line. Now I’m sitting in a beautiful environment with a gorgeous person.”

While it sounds like Dave’s more jazzed about scoring time off work to hang out in a mansion rather than spending time with Sam, she tells him not to worry.

And he has no reason to. He’s not the one who rapped last week.

Kayne’s still confident that his gimmicks are winning Sam over. His “theory” is that Sam is “intrigued” by him.

Sam’s so intrigued with him that at the rose ceremony, she gives all the other guys rose stumps except for Kayne and sends him packing so she can be intrigued from afar.

Richie starts reading into the fact that he came second last tonight. Relax, Richie, you dreamy Disney Prince, the order is irrelevant.

Bye Kayne. It’s been trill.

For more talk on this episode of The Bachelorette, download and subscribe to the podcast: The Heckle.

For more observations about cardigan gowns and the Cosmo quiz, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir.

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Kayne’s rap album will be available soon in no good music stores.