James Weir recaps The Bachelorette episode 4

THREE guys, one girl, hardly any clothes and a lot of mud. That’s a recipe for one very strange scene on national television.

HOW do you top an episode that had a first pash and a single white boy rapping? You orchestrate an extreme dodge ball match with sex-deprived men and then have the winners rub mud on each other.

Throw in a second kiss. And then dump two fellas. Clearly, this is episode four of The Bachelorette.

After dropping his latest rap song last night, Kayne has stayed up all night in the recording studio working on a new rhyme.

Straight Outta Western Australia.

Unfortunately, he has to put his album on hold because Osher shows up with a single date card. The boys all say they’d love a date with Sam, but they seem to love rubbing up against each other so much that, when Alex scores the date, no one is really devastated.

Let’s spoon.

To be honest, this one-on-one date is a bit of a snooze. Alex and Sam spend the first half flying around in a couple of tiny planes.

Both of them gush that the experience is so great because it’s intense and brings them closer together — even though they’re seated in separate planes, flying around for an hour with no direct contact with each other.

An intimate 200m apart.

Disembarking the aircraft, they head to the botanic gardens for a picnic and Sam uses it as an opportunity to ask the hard questions.

“Have you been anywhere or everywhere?” she asks.

He brags about having been to both.

“I’ve always wanted to travel. I’ve only been to London, Vietnam and then I went to South Africa,” she says, not feeling the need to explain the well-documented reason of why and how she ended up in South Africa.

Sam’s really taken with Alex because his Geri Halliwell accent makes him sound cultured and gentlemanly.

Sam says she usually goes for the “larrikin”, “smart ass guys” and that that’s where she’s gone wrong in the past. I guess we can grab a thick black pen and put a cross through Davey’s face immediately.

She’s so taken with Geri that she gives him a rose stump.

They then enter a perspex box filled with butterflies and kiss.

Girl Power!

When Alex returns to the mansion, we’re made go back to year seven where it’s vital to discuss the exact details of a kiss and then do impressions for our friends.

The boys are told about the kiss and they think it’s the first one of the series because Sasha has still been keeping his pash from last night top secret.

Sasha gets jealous of Alex’s taste-test, and while he’s bursting to yell “I pashed her first!” he contains himself and just asks a series of rapid fire questions to evaluate who’s was better.

“Are we talking open mouth? Are we talking use of the tongue? How long did you hold?” Sasha grills Alex.

When Alex describes it as a three second peck, Sasha feels the need to do an impression of the kiss in midair to ensure he’s got the right idea.

FYI Sasha’s 30.

We stay here in year seven for the group date.

Davey, Richie, Sasha, Will, Kayne and Dave are all taken to some kind of trampoline emporium for a match of extreme dodge ball.

The boys are divided into two teams. Red: Richie, Will and Kayne. Blue: Davey, Sasha and Dave.

Note to producers: Matching Richie’s outfit to his hair kinda washed him out.

The only good thing about this date is seeing the boys in shorts, singlets and knee high socks. And Will sitting like this:

#masc

Running into the “arena”, Richie says he feels like Russell Crowe in Gladiator. Not a lot of people know this, but the Colosseum is actually made out of really old trampolines.

A scene from the Academy Award winning film Gladiator.

The show hasn’t seen this many balls in the one room since the first episode. And if you thought this date was just a fun game, you’re wrong. These adult men approach the challenge with the same amount of seriousness they should be applying to the fulltime jobs they’re avoiding to be on this show.

The cockiness is springing off the trampolined walls. It’s truly overwhelming/embarrassing.

Red win, which means the three boys get to shoot the breeze with Sam while wearing hessian bags in a communal bathroom.

#ThreadbareDon’tCare

Sam then fingerpaints each boy with mud.

Such sexy

And then the fellas get a chance to paw at Sam’s body.

Sasha, Kayne and Will and their sticks in the mud.

The spa treatments they continue to perform on each other are about as sexy and sensual as a used Biore pore strip.

Richie gets some time with Sam wading in a spa filled with petals. They talk about stuff but I can’t tell you exactly what they said because it’s a bathroom and it’s really echoey.

Washed, pampered and with newly acquired fungal infections from not wearing thongs in the communal bathroom, the boys head to the cocktail party where it’s all about arts and craft.

Two of the boys have been busy at Spotlight and have fashioned some rubbish gifts to give to Sam.

First up, Michael presents his effort.

She thinks it’s a mix tape but it’s actually just a deck of cards with “random facts about Michael” written on them. To be honest, a fun mix tape would have been better. A little top 40. Maybe some Alanis.

Anyway, these cards give us a lot of intel into the kind of complex man Michael is.

For example, his favourite numbers are eight, four and 11. He lives alone.

Funnily, he doesn’t include any facts about his elite, made-up soccer career or the fact he founded Cadbury and owns the moon.

But he does give a voucher for a kiss. Sam doesn’t redeem it, but maybe she’s just waiting to use it with a bigger purchase.

Non transferable.

Sasha’s been watching the craft segments on Better Homes & Gardens and gifts Sam with a drawing she can either hang on her wall or leave in the boot of her car until she drives past a charity donation bin.

No refunds.

What’s weird is, these guys are totally safe anyway and don’t need to impress Sam with crappy gifts.

When it comes time for the rose ceremony, it’s revealed two guys are getting sent home. Sam powers through, distributing the rose stumps until we’re left with Davey, Will and Kieren.

Just like your annoying little brother’s annoying best friend who refuses to go home, Davey somehow stays in.

Kieren’s out. And Tim Rogers returns to fronting the Australian alternative rock band You Am I.

Tim Rogers, annoying brother’s friend, a guy.

For more observations about craft and Biore pore strips, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir.

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