James Weir recaps The Bachelorette episode 2

SAM Frost became the Bachelorette to find love, but last night, she found a pain in the backside instead. Her response was an epic smackdown.

ONE night into this fine competition we call The Bachelorette and excitement is still at a high.

After waking up early and padding down to the kitchen to await the challenges of the first day, the boys are wide-eyed and bushy-pubed.

By the looks of it, the mansion in this series comes with a fun accessories closet.

Brrr, is that a chill?

Nothing says “single” like a Pharrell hat.

Osher arrives with an envelope and a single date is up for grabs. Smiley Dave gets it — and the boys react with an uproar of cheers and butt spanking (it’s kinda hot).

Like most first dates, Dave meets Sam at an airport hangar on the outskirts of town before taking a helicopter to the Sydney Cricket Ground — because cars are for losers.

A tale of two Bronwyns.

Sam introduces Dave to “Doug Bollinger” from the “Sydney Sixers” who’s going to “bowl him an over”.

Now, I have no idea what any of that means. I had to ask three people in the office if that sentence even makes sense. I’m told it does and apparently some boys think this date is pretty cool.

Dave is made sit in the change room by himself for a while before Sam enters to dress him and make sure his box is in place (not even an exaggeration).

I can’t confirm or deny pants are being worn here.

To be honest, this date is about as interesting as, well, a cricket game.

We basically sit with Sam on the sidelines while Dave tries to hit a ball.

“Doug Bollinger” then takes the liberty of offering up Sam’s mouth as a prize if Dave can hit the ball.

He’s successful, so Sam’s kind of now obligated to follow through on the promise that was made for her.

After all this sport nonsense, we’re finally treated to some familiarity with an al fresco picnic on a Fantastic Furniture couch.

Ooh, is this real pleather?

Dave starts talking about his “11th box” like it’s a thing everyone knows about.

“Everyone’s got 10 boxes that they want of someone,” he says while we all think about how our own relationship histories would have been different if only we knew about the box rule.

“But then there’s the 11th box. And you can’t explain the 11th box. You just know it’s there. So you’re starting to tick that as well,” he explains.

Sam’s so confused by all this box chat that she just gives him a rose. Smiley Dave puts it in his 11th box for safe keeping.

He’s as happy as a box in a box.

Back at the mansion — which, one day in, kind of resembles the Big Brother house — Kieren finds a group date card. The hint is “leap of faith”.

Speculating, what it could be, Drew bravely reveals one of his biggest fears is jumping into water. Probably because it’s a total drag having to wash, comb, dry and straighten his Jared Leto wig.

Despite missing out on the group date, Davey hopes he makes it into the rose ceremony by “some skin of luck”. (Not even going to venture that one).

The boys are driven to a murky river and told they have to jump off a cliff, because how else will we know who has a bigger doodle?

Your penis is only as big as your cliff.

The prize at stake is a one-on-one date with Sam.

Of course, Drew is freaking out about the water/hair situation but thankfully his on-the-go look involves a topknot so the damage is expected to be minimal.

Like Jessica Biel, Drew is also a fan of a bun.

David’s also freaking out. “I’ve never even worn a wetsuit in my life … I can’t breathe,” he confides, concerned about the impending chafe.

One by one, 12 men line up and throw themselves off the cliff.

The only thing more romantic than this is when David tells Sam pre-jump: “I’m just going to imagine you’re in there drowning.”

This comment confuses Sam. And then it scares her. She considers voluntarily flinging herself off the cliff just to get away from him. But then he jumps so she doesn’t have to.

Drew can’t handle the pressure and breaks down. He says he’s not afraid of heights and he’s not afraid of swimming — he just can’t put the two together. I like tomatoes on pizza but hate tomatoes in salad so I guess it’s kinda the same thing.

He cries. She cries. He attempts to jump but doesn’t. They cry again. They agree he won’t jump.

Even though he didn’t follow through with the challenge, he scores the date.

They spend a romantic evening sitting in front of a dilapidated building trading hair care tips by the fire.

Spooky is the new sexy.

While most of the other boys were at the group date, Davey sat around the mansion trying to figure out why Sam doesn’t like him. Then at the cocktail party, he takes her to the backyard for a chat to redeem himself.

It went like this: “Why don’t you like meeeeeeee?”

Sam laughs at him and then moves onto a chat with Michael the soccer player.

Model David’s perturbed. Maybe he doesn’t like Michael. Maybe he’s just frustrated that no one has asked for the link to his ModelMayhem.com profile.

Either way, he tries convincing Kayne to interrupt Michael’s one-on-one time.

“He’s a football player with tattoos and he’s f**king rich and he’s successful, mate, he doesn’t need the f**king time. He doesn’t need the f**king time.”

When you can’t bully someone into doing the dirty work, sometimes you just have to do it yourself.

He interrupts the chat. It’s uncomfortable. He looks like a wang. Michael’s lovely and after a while, David gets some alone time with Sam where he continues to offend her.

He basically says she’s only interested in Michael because he’s a professional soccer player.

And she goes off.

“I think it is a load of rubbish that anyone would have this ‘theory’ that I care about materialistic bullshit which I don’t. At all,” she blasts.

“That is the most offensive thing anyone can say about me. And if that’s the kind of person you think I am, then you can leave.”

David seems to enjoy the scolding in an almost sexual way.

Hmmm, yell at me more.

Meanwhile, Michael and the guys sit around talking about the ins-and-outs of bro code and whether David broke it because this is year seven with alcohol and bad suits.

Based on what went down, you would have to be blind, deaf and buried underground to not forecast how the rose ceremony pans out.

It comes down to Kayne and David. Kayne gets the rose stub.

This is where some great facial expressions come in.

David approaches Sam to say goodbye and Sam finally gets to re-use this icy expression from when all that Blake business went down.

Stand back, bish.

That’s when David takes the opportunity to graciously share some general thoughts and observations.

“I’m actually reasonably happy not to receive a rose tonight,” he says. This is the adult way of saying, “I didn’t even want to play this game anyway!”.

The boys are totally chill about it.

THERE’S NO LEGISLATION FOR THIS BEHAVIOUR IN THE BRO CODE!

“I think you misinterpreted the whole situation. I think you judged a little bit too quickly. I think you actually made a mountain out of a molehill,” he informs her.

Sam swiftly wraps him up and sends him on his way.

Davey then calls out “jackass” in a weird half-American accent and we all reconsider who should have went home tonight.

For more observations on boxes and “cricket”, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir.

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