James Weir recaps The Bachelorette episode 1

THE Bachelorette started last night, and you have to feel for Sam Frost, because the guys’ attempts to impress her were awful.

MY, how the tables have turned. Just when you thought it was only single Aussie gals with vague, made up careers who dreamt of taking to national TV to find a man, you flick on the television to find the inaugural series of The Bachelorette kicking off.

The finest RSL clubs across the land have been scouted and 14 men have been hand picked to vie for Sam Frosts’ heart. You remember Sam. Previously scorned by that guy who looks like a potato.

It shook her to the core. She didn’t want to leave the house. At first, she never would have dreamt of putting herself through the rough and tumble world of reality TV dating again.

But it’s amazing what a Kelly Clarkson song and a couple of network executives can do to the self esteem. Girlfriend is back and she’s ready to meet dem fellas.

No attitude too obnoxious and no hair too greasy.

With 14 men and limited airtime, only some of them stand out. Some are good. Some are stinkers. And they all think they’ve got the moves to win her over. Here’s a selection.

Dave is the first guy to meet Sam. He’s a 30-year-old plumber who smiles way to much. My cheekbones hurt just from watching it.

That’s a rose eatin’ grin.

“I was scared I’d slip over and split my pants,” he reveals to her.

I totally endorse any line on the first date where you subtly refer to yourself being pants-less thus forcing a sneaky visual into the other person’s head. Ten points.

Then he ruins it by declaring: “I’m packin’ it at the moment!”.

ERMAGHERD!

Next up is Alex. He’s British and, in the words of the Queen, Sam thinks he’s shagadellic.

He also brings the first gift of the night — and it’s surprisingly not mortifying. A pair of flats.

He’s totally a frontrunner.

He sounds like Geri.

Davey is a 12-year-old carpenter who brings the second gross mention of the night.

“Getting out of the limo I was absolutely pooping myself,” he shares. Not necessary.

In struts a third David and he can’t stop making everyone aware that he’s the modeliest model in all the land. He’s also got a serious case of the Moonface Newton’s.

My CVs on the back of my headshot.

Drew is a sleep technician who owns a GHD. He proves exactly why he’s still single by bringing his own owl.

They share a single bed.

The props don’t end there. Kayne brings two Frosty Fruits iceblocks — “because her last name is Frost”. We can write him off immediately.

Will is a musician who looks like an adult toddler. He’s brought his guitar and, later in the evening, corners Sam to play a “ditty” he’s written. It’s awful.

Shane, who looks like he lives in a van, rides in on some kind of hoverboard.

And Sasha brings a scrunched up serviette and turns it into an even more scrunched up serviette (it’s meant to be a rose).

“Ooh a serviette!”

Once all the boys are assembled in the mansion, you can smell the Lynx deodorant through the TV screen.

Richie is a total dreamboat from WA. He’s a Rope Access Technician! I have no idea what that means but he’s dreamy.

He also says “cool bananas” several times but that doesn’t matter because he’s dreamy.

He then makes it clear he knows how to deal with difficult boys.

“I’m from Perth, most people get glassed,” he says. Even if he’s not joking it doesn’t really matter because he’s dreamy.

Honey.

Davey makes sure everyone knows that “bro code” applies and that no one should interrupt another guy’s one-on-one time with Sam.

Everyone firmly agrees.

Three seconds later, Model David breaks the code and interrupts Smiley Dave’s chat.

Even though he’s perturbed, Smiley Dave still smiles.

Model David uses his chat well and covers all the bases.

“I was born in Poland,” he informs Sam. “So, lucky for whoever marries me in the future — they’ll have a European passport.”

What he’s doing is offering something the other guys aren’t — a free gift with purchase.

It’s like when you’re at the express check-out at Woolworths and you’re tossing up whether to buy the latest Marie Claire. The cover story is a bit of a snooze but then you see the issue comes with a free groovy tote bag so you buy it.

That’s what the model’s offering. Except Sam seemed like she’d be more impressed with a free groovy tote.

He then actually does Blue Steel. For real.

“I used this look for my Polish passport.”

David then basically pulls out an atlas and starts putting thumb tacks in all the cities he’s been to. Watch out Sam, this catch knows his way around a Jetstar website.

After escaping the clutches of Janice Dickinson, Sam has some time with Kayne (Kanye?).

He makes a bet with her that if he can do a headstand for 20 seconds she should give him a rose.

“I take my roses very seriously,” she says apprehensively.

Don’t worry Sam, I get it. Similarly, I take my Grill’d “local matters” choice very seriously and, like you, it would take more than an acrobatic boy to sway my judgment.

Despite slamming the deal down, Kayne goes ahead with the challenge.

His legs swing up and he totally nails it ...

“I rule ...”

Before tumbling down in an embarrassing heap two seconds later.

“Don’t look at me!”

Davey then breaks his own “bro code” and steals Sam away from Kayne’s chat.

Sam asks if he knows any party tricks and he does the “broken thumb” gag. We now know he wears hideous statement rings.

Bling, bro.

He’s then asked how his friends would describe him in three words.

“Full. Blown. Legend,” he replies.

Sam gives this appropriate reaction.

“Ugh”.

After listing his countless past relationships, Davey then reveals his nickname is “G.G” — girlfriend guy.

He thinks this makes him look good but Sam is clearly concerned. And who wouldn’t be?

You can’t even predict the kind of around-the-mouth coldsores you could pick up from someone getting this kind of action.

She finally has a nice chat with Sasha. He’s lovely but a bit of a dad. She’s into it and gives him the first rose early.

With Sasha secure for the night, the rest of the boys are lined up for the rose ceremony.

Roger David made a killing on shirt and suit combos.

Model David’s not scared because, in case you weren’t aware, he’s a model.

Drew’s also confident because he has an owl — plus Sam knows they can share his GHD.

And they’re rightly confident.

Shane and Luke are the unlucky ones. Oh, you don’t remember Luke? Yah.

After graciously saying goodbye to Sam, Shane jumps on his hoverboard and zips out of the room back to his van to eat a burrito.

Be sure to get a thick pen and cross their faces off that chart you have hanging above your desk.

Shane and Luke?

For more observations on groovy tote bags and men who wear rings, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir.

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