Inside wild ‘dating’ groups exposing Australian men
Aussie men are being called out for their crappy dating habits, with women using secret online groups to warn others about their experiences.
Whether you have been ghosted, catfished or just had a really awkward date, almost everyone has a bad dating story.
Usually these stories are reserved for our close friends and family and aren’t really shared beyond that.
However, there is a growing number of secretive groups popping up across social media where women are encouraged to out the men who they have had bad experiences with.
There are now hundreds of versions of the “Are we dating the same guy?” Facebook group for different cities across Australia and the world.
A quick search resulted in groups for Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, Perth, Brisbane, the Central Coast and Rockhampton, with each ranging from a few hundred members to a few thousand.
Do you have experience with these types of groups? alexandra.foster@news.com.au
Not only can members post their experiences as a warning to others in the group, women are also encouraged to post pictures and names of men they are dating to see if anyone has any “tea” on them.
The group is full of pictures of men taken from their social media accounts or dating profiles, with the posters either including their own warnings or asking others for feedback.
People’s experiences range from being ghosted or men being hostile on dates, to claims they have a secret partner or family and even allegations of sexual and physical assault.
The rules for all the groups are basically the same and is touted as a place for “women to protect and empower other women while warning each other of men who might be liars, cheaters, abusers, or exhibit any type of toxic or dangerous behaviour”.
“We strive to cultivate an atmosphere of female empowerment, acceptance, and support and will not tolerate any bullying, gaslighting, shaming, victim blaming, or aggressive behaviour towards any other girls in the group,” the description of the Sydney group states.
The group is about “protecting women, not juding men” and so one of the rules is that users aren’t allowed to make comments based on a man’s looks, attire, name, age or occupation.
Members are also only meant to comment on a man they have had personal experience with.
Group members are also warned that if they make allegations about a man, they are at risk of being sued for libel or defamation and should be prepared to show proof for any claims they make.
But that doesn’t seem to deter people and, while some use the group’s anonymous posting feature, there are many that make serious allegations against men from their personal Facebook accounts.
In one post, a member shared a picture of a man and told women in the group to “avoid” him and “protect yourself” after he insulted her looks following their first date.
In an update a week later, the same member claimed she had since found out he had a girlfriend and that was the reason he was “acting so strangely”.
In another post, a member posted a picture of a man in a suit and told others to “steer clear” after he made strange comments about her attire before telling her she was “too fat anyway” after being rejected for another date.
Despite the rule regarding avoiding degrading or mean comments, commenters jumped in claiming he looked like a “psychopath”, while another said they “wouldn’t trust a man with see-through hair”.
Other posts included claims their date had lied about being a doctor, was married with six children and even claims dates had tried to scam money out of them.
So, what if you are a guy who finds out they have been posted on one of these groups and wants that post removed?
Well, according to the Brisbane, Gold Coast and Sunshine Coast group, any man wanting a post removed must sent a readable screen recording of the conversation where they were told about the post or the screenshot that they were sent.
This must also include the full name of the woman who told them.
“Your post will remain if you refuse to expose the girl who told you,” the group’s description stated.
Anyone caught “snitching” by screenshotting posts and sharing them outside the group will not only be banned, but will be “exposed to the whole group”.
“This is a safe space. You will be exposed to everyone and immediately removed from the group if you do this,” the rule states.
“Any man claiming that someone showed them a post about them in the group, and asking for that post to be removed, will be told that the only way their post will be removed is if they reveal who snitched to them.
“That person will then be exposed to the whole group. So think twice before you try to help a man like that because he will not hesitate to expose you to save himself.”
While many people may not agree with these types of groups, the fact that they are so popular exposes a wider problem.
It is no secret that going on dates and meeting new men comes with a certain level of risk for women and, for many, they will search for any way to mitigate that risk.
Common tactics include speaking on the phone before meeting up, having the first meeting in a crowded place, making sure your friends know your location and avoiding too much alcohol.
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However, if there was a way to avoid all of this and check if the person you are speaking to could be a potential threat, would you? For the thousands of women in these groups, the answer is “yes”.
Unfortunately, unless you ask for some form of proof, there isn’t any way to confirm whether what you are being told about your potential love interest is true.
Also, as is stated in the group’s rules, the risk of defamation is very real and one that could have very serious consequences for posters and commenters alike.
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