How to spot and outwit a sociopath

IF A new partner puts you through any of these “tests”, run. Sociopaths can appear nice, but this is how to spot them.

WHY is it sometimes hard to see that the charismatic person you just met is potentially violent or deceitful?

Here are some important clues to help you recognise people that are going to end up being dangerous to you.

AGGRESSION IS NOT ALWAYS OBVIOUS

In Shawn T Smith’s book Surviving Aggressive People, he identifies two types of aggressors: those that react violently in the moment, and those that are sociopathically building up to physical or psychological violence.

What you do in the face of each aggressor is different.

THE DESPERATE AGGRESSOR

What Smith calls the Desperate Aggressor is a person that feels that they have been backed into a corner. They feel trapped and lash out, like a wild animal might do. They are not thinking rationally and can be unpredictable.

We’ve all had moments of desperate aggression — it’s that last straw feeling that flames up inside you while you yell, “What happened to the Wi-Fi?” or “Who stole my lunch?” A desperate aggressor is using aggression to defend themselves from a perceived threat.

A desperate aggressor needs to be listened to, empathised with and provided with options. Something like, “It’s really frustrating that the Wi-Fi is down. Perhaps we could go and grab a coffee or talk about the report we have to write instead?”

Generally, a desperate aggressor can’t keep up the aggression for long before calming down (especially when someone is calmly listening). However, you need to be prepared for physical violence, and have an exit strategy to get as far away as you can as quickly as you can.

THE PREDATOR

The predator however, is an entirely different customer. They are an “expert” aggressor: a charming, charismatic sociopath who you don’t recognise as an aggressor at all. They are the opposite — too nice for the situation.

The predator is out for control and personal gain and so they need to see how far they can push you. Ultimately, they want to see if you’ll agree to something that is not good for you. They want to get their “foot in the door”. So, they engage in what Smith calls “testing rituals”.

TESTING RITUALS

Identifying testing rituals is the key to keeping yourself safe from a predator. As we’re raised to be polite, it can feel very uncomfortable to say no to a request that seems just a little off.

For example, a predator may sit in your chair. Deliberately. To see what you’ll do. Or they’ll ask you to help them carry something. If you agree, then they’ll ask you to carry that something to an isolated area away from your friends.

Are you going to speak up about the chair, or let it slide? Are you willing to help them carry that box to their car in the deserted carpark? If you go along with the first test, you’re ready for the next one.

DON’T BE A TARGET

Smith urges us all to listen to our gut and pay serious attention in situations where we feel like we are being tested. It might feel impolite not to get into the lift alone with the person who is making your skin crawl, but listen to yourself. If you’re not comfortable, don’t do it. Say no. Make up an excuse. Set a boundary.

If you suspect you are being tested by a predator, the key is to get to the bottom of what they want as quickly as possible. Smith suggests directly asking, “Bottom line, what do you want from me?”. If they can’t give you a straight answer or try to pass their behaviour off as a joke, you have successfully identified a predator.

Think of how many controlling relationships start with very simple tests. It’s just that we don’t realise they are tests. It may be as simple as, “Come with me, your friend will get home OK”. Your gut tells you that this is out of line, but you go along with it anyway.

Unfortunately, this can be the start of you ending up far from those that could help you out of a bad situation. Or with a suitcase full of something illegal.

The standard yelling and screaming and swinging fist variety of aggression is easy to spot. Predators can be wrapped in very attractive packaging. Don’t be deceived.

Dr Christine Brown is a psychologist, manager and executive coach.