Helen Chik on the dangers of ‘love-bombing’

They might seem sweet but these texts from an “older” man to his new love interest hide a very worrying trend.

When a friend calls me to gush about a man she started chatting to a mere fortnight ago – and hasn’t even met yet – I find myself torn between being thrilled and terrified.

It’s not the gushing that’s an issue but how far into their dating timeline they are.

Call me a jaded, nonbeliever but if there was anything to be learned from watching Netflix’s Tinder Swindler, it’s that people who love bomb at the outset of a relationship should come with a warning label.

Cliches exist for a reason and if it sounds too good to be true, it most definitely is.

So, what is love bombing?

Simply put, it’s when someone showers another with excessive affection and grand gestures to expedite the relationship to make the recipient feel beholden to them.

They are experts when it comes to making you feel special and raising your self-esteem because they seem to know just what to say. It’s like they’re inside your mind, taking note of everything you want and didn’t know you subconsciously wanted – before relaying it all back to you in a spectacular form of validation.

Author and dating expert Helen Chik says love bombing is a red flag. Picture: Instagram.

To give you context, my girlfriend told me that she had matched with an older and very successful (or so he claims) gentleman that seemed to be saying all the right things to her. He wanted commitment, marriage and would even consider starting a family despite having an adult child from an early relationship.

He also adamantly wanted to know if she was in this with him because he felt that what they had was truly special and insisted on a commitment. This was after two weeks of messaging and zilch in the form of real-life interaction. Crazy, right?

These are just some snippets of his messages to my friend:

Two weeks into chatting and having not met, this text is a RED FLAG. Picture: Supplied.

While it might seem nice, it’s too early to be sending such full on texts. Picture: Supplied.

They live in different states, and he tried to “break it off” with my friend when she questioned him on whether things were moving too fast twice.

Let me just reiterate that this is after a mere two weeks of texting and no date on record. If that isn’t a big effing red flag, I don’t know what is.

Let’s look at three significant warning signs and how to recognise when someone is love-bombing the f*ck out of you.

They say exactly what you want to hear

In small doses, this is absolutely a green flag. If we’re talking about one grandiose gesture of affection after another, however, this green flag swiftly turns red.

They want you to fall for them pronto and the easiest way to do this is to placate you with a bit (or a lot) of lip service.

Helen Chik believes a bombardment of compliments is a bad sign in a new relationship. Picture: Instagram.

Compliments are in no shortage with love bombers and while it may appear that they’re all about pumping up your tyres, just like making a deal with the devil – he always comes to collect. It may not be immediate, but they will expect something in return and what that something will be is dependent on each love-bomber’s motive.

They won’t leave you alone

Constant texting may be cute at the start because it all feels fresh and exciting … butterflies swirling inside … yada yada – you know the drill. When the other person starts bombarding you with texts to “check-in” on you, it really is a form of controlling you by knowing what you’re doing at every moment during the day.

When you attempt to impose boundaries on the love-bomber, they’ll more than likely get upset and threaten to end the ‘relationship’ (if you can even call it that at the early stages of dating) with you because they don’t feel you’re pulling your weight.

They shower you with gifts that are disproportionate to your relationship maturity

First date roses, second date diamond necklace. Sounds reasonable enough right? Small gestures to show you matter at the outset is sweet and worth giving someone credit for but when it becomes OTT, there is always a motive. Quid pro quo peeps.

Roses on a first date is classic and a diamond necklace for a ten-year anniversary is forever. My point is, put things into perspective and ask yourself if the gift is a reasonable gesture at whatever stage you’re in. Unless of course you’ve willingly entered into a sugar daddy arrangement.

At the end of the day, it’s crucial to remind yourself that, all worthwhile things in life take time to cultivate. Rome wasn’t built in a day and we aren’t living in a Hollywood rom-com.

Helen Chik is the author of Sex, Swipes & Other Stories, online dating veteran and Australia’s answer to Carrie Bradshaw. | @helenchikx