Forget pick-up artists: Welcome to dating school for decent guys

LONELY men keep turning to pick-up artists with immoral tactics to find love — but they’re looking in the wrong place. This is how nice guys can finish first.

This is how decent guys can get dates

IT’S no secret that for many singles, dating is a daunting world where engaging in games and manipulation can be tempting if it means increasing your odds of hooking up.

American “pick-up artist” Julien Blanc, 25, is the latest man to claim to have the answers, promising his program would “make girls BEG to sleep with you after short-circuiting their emotional and logical mind into a million reasons why they should”.

Thankfully, Blanc was evicted from Australia last week after a petition that labelled his messages “sexist and racist” put an end to his national tour.

MORE: Pick-up artist forced to flee country

Julien Blanc.

But in the midst of all the outrage about his disturbing techniques lies a real issue for single men — what should you do if you’re wanting a bit of direction in the love department?

Well, you could try a dating course for decent guys instead.

Nate, 24, did just that at the start of this year and can’t believe how much the tables have turned.

“I was having issues attracting women and was always in the ‘friend zone’,” says the Sydneysider.

He’d read books like The Game, but said the manipulative strategies didn’t sit right with him. When girls repeatedly blanked him when he tried strike up conversations at bars, he was at a loss.

“I asked them to dance or whether they were having a good night, but they just didn’t seem interested,” he says.

So he went to a School of Attraction seminar to learn about “sincere seduction” and went on to do a course to learn how to communicate better and get the girl of his dreams.

Nate decided to go to a School of Attraction seminar.

“I’ve seen a few girls since and I’m really enjoying myself,” he says.

“I’m learning a lot about myself and I’ve also learnt not to get so upset if something doesn’t work out. Now I think, ‘Oh well, we weren’t right for each other,’ and I get a better idea of who the perfect girl would be for me.”

Dating coach Damien Diecke started the business after going through a rough breakup when he was 20, which left him crippled by panic attacks and anxiety.

He too had worked his way through dating “guides” like The Game and The Mystery Method, which promoted games and dishonest techniques for “getting beautiful women into bed”.

“I tried ‘negging’, which is a strategy where you say something to a woman that sounds like a compliment, but is actually an insult,” he recalls.

“So you’d say something like, ‘Hey that dress looks really good — I think I’ve seen a few other girls wearing it’. It makes them feel a bit insecure.”

Damien Diecke.

But he found it caused animosity in the kind of confident, self-assured women he was really after.

“It was polarising,” he says.

“It seems to work on girls with low self-esteem. But you get women who cotton on to what you’re doing and they expose you. When you’re repeatedly called a jerk, your self-esteem really suffers.”

After doing a life coaching course and further research, Diecke realised authenticity is the key, and he’s now been in a great relationship for five years. He’s shared his strategy with thousands of men.

“We get everyone from young uni guys to men in their 60s and 70s coming to our events,” Diecke says.

“They often feel desperate and lonely but don’t want to manipulate or play games — they want to be honest and do the right thing.”

It worked for Damien, so now he’s spreading the word.

Dating expert Melanie Schilling, who runs workshops for women, warns there are other pick-up artists who teach men to use manipulative techniques to get women into bed.

“Julien Blanc is not the first person to do this — there are a bunch of Aussie pick-up artists operating as well,” she says.

“I encourage my female clients to listen to their intuition when meeting men. If they notice they’re feeling a bit insecure or unconfident, that’s a good sign they should walk away.”

Schilling welcomes dating courses for men that focus on authenticity.

“It’s consistent with what we are teaching women as well,” she says.

Diecke says you can’t necessarily blame men for attending pick-up artist events because they often don’t know where else to turn.

“Don’t bag out the guys going to these events — most of them are good guys who just want some answers,” he says.

“A lot of these men are in a state where they are quite vulnerable and can easily end up in the wrong seminar, where they are told that doing these types of things is the only way they can get a partner. But that’s just not true.”

Dating seminars are clearly popular.

Here are Diecke’s five key messages for decent guys who are looking for love:

1. Be choosy. “You are looking for someone who is a good match for you, not picking up anything that is attractive and has a pulse. People want to feel like they’ve been chosen out of lots of potential partners because they were special.”

2. Be authentic. “If you want somebody who is high quality with brains and who knows what they want, games will fail. If you walk up to a woman and be nice and genuine with a bit of banter or friendly teasing, she will almost always be nice about it, even if she’s not interested.”

3. Start a conversation. “If you can’t think of anything to say, try, ‘Hello I saw you over here and wanted to say hello’. It’s not the best pick-up line in the world but you don’t need anything fancy.”

4. Build a rapport. “Find out what they are passionate about and bond over that. When you connect on something that you genuinely find interesting, the conversation you have is far more engaging.”

5. Don’t be too nice. “Women want someone with backbone who can stand up for himself and knows what he wants. Don’t put your whole life on hold for another person — that is not what a man who has everything going on does.”