Dick pics: The X-rated photo mistake every man makes

Men think women love it but it turns out this very common tactic is a complete turn off.

Picture this, it’s a warm, sunny, Sunday afternoon and I’m sitting with two girlfriends in a gorgeous old pub, surrounded by families enjoying a delicious roast.

Then one of my friends receives a text from a guy she’s been casually dating.

“Jesus!” she burst out upon opening the text.

It felt like the whole pub stopped what they were doing and looked over to our table. She passes her phone over the gravy pot and I’m confronted with a huge (we’re talking HUGE) phallus being held up ever so proudly by its human owner.

We all burst out laughing like ridiculous school girls and really used the zoom button for the purpose I’m sure Steve Jobs invented it for.

Yes, I’m a 36 year old fully grown women who still gets a giggle out of a willy.

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Sydney radio producer Jana Hocking is more likely to LOL at an X-rated pic than anything else. Picture: Instagram.

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What struck me most was that it was barely afternoon and the bloke had decided that, yep, it would be the perfect time to woo his lady with a pic of his pecker.

Now I don’t know about you, but I prefer my roast beef with a side of mash, not straight up porn!

Of course, it got us talking about dick pics. Why does it seem that no bloke has a picture of his face to put on his Bumble profile, but plenty of pics of his old fella?!

Why do they never get the angle or lighting right? Why does it always look so aggressive? Why don’t they ever worry about what’s in the background? (Come on, at least pick the wet towel off the floor.) Who else have they sent it to? So. Many. Questions!

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At least tidy up the background if you’re going to go there, says Jana. Picture: Instagram.

As the lunch went on, we all shared stories (and pictures) of the various times we had been send dick pics. The first one I ever received was from a footballer way back when flip phones were still a thing. I had to download the picture at such a slow internet speed and I have to say the result was not worth the expensive download fee. Sigh.

So when did a dick pic become the new way of flirting? Honestly, Jane Austen would turn in her grave if she knew how we courted each other these days. Gone are the days of a well-thought out love letter. Nope. “Here’s a pic of my tackle!” “Thanks. Here’s a picture of my ta tas!”

No mystery. No surprise.

I don’t know, call me old fashioned, but I’ve never been turned on by a dick pic. Entertained? Absolutely. But have I ever wanted to rip all my clothes off and hail the nearest taxi to the bloke’s house? Nope.

Jana’s never hot footed to the bloke’s house after getting an X-rated pic. Picture: Instagram.

I decided to do a deep dive and find out why blokes send them.

A survey by Match.com that revealed that 53 per cent of women have received a dick pic and that 47 per cent of men have admitted to sending one. Now a quick survey of my friends would suggest that number is actually quite higher.

I asked a few male friends why they do it and their answers were all the same – because they were hoping for a cheeky picture back.

Interestingly, research published in The Journal of Sex Research found that unsolicited dick pics are often welcomed by gay men using dating apps like Grindr, who reported positive reactions to the unsolicited images. For women however, the response was not positive and often saw them feeling shame, anger and disgust. #feels

I remember a guy I really liked sent me an uninvited dick pic once and it really turned me off him. To me, it felt like he thought I was an easy option and someone he wouldn’t have to use his manners with.

The crazy thing was, that when I told him in no uncertain terms that he could take a hike he suddenly enjoyed the thrill of the chase. Too late buddy, I’ve seen your old fella, no mystery left. Shoo off.

So may I make a suggestion, instead of a full-frontal dick pic, why not send something that really turns us on, like a pic of your broad shoulders, or rugged beard, or sparkly eyes. Tease a girl a little.

Jana Hocking is a radio producer and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @Janahocking