‘Dating epiphany that everyone should live by’

Jana Hocking has accidentally found a way to drive a man “bonkers”. Whether you choose to reciprocate or not is another matter.

Last week I had a dating epiphany. It’s something that’s been slightly annoying me for a while now and I’ve finally discovered a term for it.

You see, my dilemma is that I always find myself getting crushes on guys who only ever seemed to be kinda/sorta interested, but as soon as I lose interest they come running.

Seriously, I was dating a guy on and off for a year and every time he came to town I would drop everything to see him. I thought I was playing it super chill but looking back he probably could smell the desperation. I would get nervous when I saw him, purposely wear clothing I knew he liked, doused myself in his favourite scent, and turned up to every date early. Oh Jana.

After about a year of running to him every time he came calling, I started to get a little tired of it. Thanks to a new job promotion and an exercise routine that left me feeling not only healthier but also gave me the gift of a little self-respect, I found that this romantic scenario was no longer working for me. I had put this man on a pedestal and upon reflection, he didn’t really deserve to be there.

So, I slowly started losing interest. I cancelled plans to see him, I stopped getting nervous in his company, I lost the butterflies in my stomach. And then all of a sudden, he started putting in more effort, cancelling his other plans to see me. Getting a little nervous when I called. It’s like he could smell my disinterest and it was driving him bonkers.

Why do we always want what we can’t have, says Jana Hocking? Picture: Instagram

Well, it turns out there’s a term for it, and its set off a light bulb in my head. It was while I was listening to my favourite podcast Smartless with Jason Bateman, Will Arnett, and Sean Hayes and they were talking about a term called “sexy indifference”. It’s basically when you’re attracting a romantic partner or auditioning for a role or making friends, you appear as someone who does not seem overly concerned with the outcome of the situation. You are basically ‘meh’ about the whole thing. And most of us find it really intriguing and attractive! It leaves people wondering why we are so unphased by it all. Who is this person who couldn’t give a f**k?

It’s the ol’ you want what you can’t have scenario, and I discovered I was unintentionally using it – with great success! That’s why, every time I finally lose interest in a guy, he comes running back. Because all of a sudden I couldn’t give a hoot and he wants to know why. It’s a real kicker to their ego. Especially when they thought they could have your attention at the drop of a hat.

The opposite of that, is obviously being too ‘thirsty’ and that is not attractive at all. We all make the mistake of thinking we’re playing it cool, but if your crush calls with no notice and asks if you’re free, and it’s clear you’ve cancelled whatever plans you may have had to see them, then girlfriend, you are thirsty.

But here’s the catch if you want to ooze sexy indifference … you actually have to believe it. Yep, it’s only when you genuinely let go of the reigns, and no longer care about the outcome, that it actually works.

That’s why I think it’s so important to have more than one option. That way, when you’re juggling a couple of guys you can simply sit back, cross your arms, and give off the vibe of: OK show me what you’ve got and why you’re worth my time.

Other options and sexy indifference give you the opportunity to calmly make decisions and not get swept up in the excitement. Why? Because you’re indifferent. Sexy indifferent.

So next time you feel yourself getting in too deep with someone, step back, take a breath, and look at them without the ‘love heart emoji eyes’. And for goodness sake, take that darn person right off the pedestal. It will do wonders for the new ‘sexy indifferent’ you.

Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking