And Just Like That…: Is it ever a good idea to get back with an ex?

The promise of Carrie and Aidan’s reunion has loomed over And Just Like That …, and raises a contentious question.

The one that got away. The long-lost soulmate. The what-could-have-been (or the devil you know).

The promise of hunky woodworker Aidan Shaw has loomed over And Just Like That … like a spectre since 2021, when John Corbett (jokingly) told a reporter his character – Carrie Bradshaw’s on-again, off-again, engaged to, off-again love interest – would be making a return.

In season two, episode seven, the much-hyped moment finally came to be – Carrie and Aidan, the latter in an inexplicably ugly belted jacket, set eyes on each other for the first time in 10 years. And just like that, everything old was new again.

The next episode showed the pair, mere weeks into their revived romance, shacked up; shopping together for peppermills and bringing the question of whether it’s ever a good idea to get back with an ex to the fore, not for the first time in recent years.

Sarah Jessica Parker (as Carrie) and John Corbett (as Aidan) in a scene Sex and the City. Picture: HBO

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck reuniting in 2021, almost two decades after they first got together, made a compelling argument.

The reprisal of Bennifer didn’t just capture the Zeitgeist because of their storied history, but because most people could relate – to the road not taken; to realising they may have had the right person all along and just lost them along the way.

As Sydney-based sexologist Georgia Grace tells news.com.au, “I think many people have at least one story of getting back with an ex, or it’s happened to a close friend of theirs”.

“Break-ups suck, and sometimes it can feel easier being with someone who you know, and you trust, and you love,” Grace, who is also the co-founder of sexual wellness brand Normal, says.

“There are many reasons why people might do it. They may have had time apart and actually realised how much they love their partner and how much they want to be with them. They may be really lonely, and being with someone familiar can feel really safe.

“It could be that they’re really horny and they just want to have sex, and they know this person’s body. It might also be the fact that they thought that breaking up was going to be what they wanted or much better than it actually ends up being.”

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck first dated – and ultimately got engaged – in the early 2000s. Picture: Doug Kanter/AFP

Their reunion two decades later begs the question: should you ever get back with an ex? Picture: Michael Tran/AFP

In an “ideal world”, two people would take the time to evaluate whether getting back together feels truly right, or if it just feels easy – “a few months of reflection, of integration, of time with people you love, of healing, of crying”, Grace says.

“But, I just know that a lot of human beings aren’t really wired that way. Often we don’t want to feel the bad feelings – so we might try and fast track all the way through them. It’s a bandaid.”

It’s important, then, she suggests, to ask yourself the following questions.

“The first is, ‘How did I come to this decision to break-up?’ or, ‘What happened to get us to this point where we have broken up?’” Grace says.

“Break-ups don’t just happen on a whim. Sure, sometimes they can be really surprising and come out of nowhere; but more often than not, there’s been a bit of thinking and processing around it. So, reflect on those reasons – why did I break up? Why was I unfulfilled?”

After a much-hyped reunion, Carrie and Aidan are back together. Picture: Binge/HBO Max

The second thing to consider, she says, is whether you are really missing your ex, or you’re simply struggling with a process – heartbreak – “that is hard for every single human”.

“I’ve actually been through a big separation recently, over the past few months, and [despite] working in this space, and being so aware of the psychology behind it, even I went through those moments of, ‘Have I made the right decision?’ Life would be so much easier in the short-term if I’d just stayed with my ex,” Grace says.

“So ask yourself, ‘Am I getting back with them for short-term ease and safety, or am I getting back with them because I deeply love them?’

“And, of course, it can be any or all or many of those things, but just get really curious as to the impulse to go back to something if it wasn’t fulfilling you when you did break-up.”

Georgia Grace, Sydney-based sexologist and co-founder of sexual wellness brand Normal. Picture: Instagram

If you do then decide to jump back in, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, Elisabeth Shaw tells news.com.au, it’s vital “to make sense of the break-up and be accountable for what happened, singly and collectively”.

“Without deep understanding and learning, there is a risk of covering over aspects that will reappear if the patterns, circumstances or habits are not addressed. A couple that dismisses the past too lightly, with a glib, ‘We’ve grown up’, could be missing some vital clues for success,” she says.

While it’s different for everyone, Grace says, there’s also huge value in recognising a potential “round two” as a new relationship.

“It’s the same place, but we’re not in the same place,” Carrie reasons with Aidan outside her apartment in And Just Like That …, when the memory of everything that went wrong within its walls hits him on the stoop, prompting him to insist he can’t ever go back there again, no matter how much he wants to.

“I see sexual value in that – at the start of a new relationship, it’s often the best sex that you ever have. So if you’re coming back together with an ex, it might be some of the best sex you’ve had in months or years,” she says.

“One thing I’m also noticing with couples who come to see me is that a lot of their key areas of conflict are when one of them is holding onto an idea of their partner and isn’t allowing for their partner to change or grow. They’re so rigid in the perception that they have of them that there’s no room for surprise or doing anything differently, and that limits all of them.”

‘It’s the same place, but we’re not in the same place,’ Carrie tells Aidan. Picture: Binge/HBO Max

Both Grace and Shaw point out that, as the latter puts it, “relationships are surrounded by many others … and in the past, either person might have been glad of them taking sides in the break-up”. “You can’t expect them to just fall into line again,” Shaw says.

That being said, Grace adds, “hopefully they have your best interests at heart, and the reason they are judging or having an opinion on this is that they care for you, and they just want the best for you”.

“I think it is perhaps [worth] having a conversation with them, and acknowledging that, ‘Look, I know the break-up was really hard and I really struggled and you have an idea around how we were behaving toward the end of our last relationship – but we have decided to try again and make this work, and whilst you may not necessarily agree with it, it’s also not your relationship, so I just ask for your support as we kind of figure this out’,” she says.

“[Saying] that is basically just setting a boundary, and acknowledging that their love and concern comes from a place of care – but it’s also not their responsibility to take care of you.

“They can have ideas – but it’s your life. And it’s your relationship. And you, ultimately, are the only one who can decide.”