The Thinkergirls’ Kristie Mercer admits she has a problem with alcohol

KRISTIE Mercer’s always been “that girl” at a party — the one everyone else has to look after. She admits she has a problem.

WE’VE all had to look after “that friend” who’s had too much to drink.

You know, the one who makes a fool of themselves and ruins the fun for everyone? They need to be apologised for, cleaned up after then put in a cab home — often against their will because according to them, they’re “not even drunk.” Yeah, right.

It’s beyond selfish, and their bad behaviour puts everyone on edge.

Now it’s time for me to own up and admit it. I’ve been “that friend”, “that girl” for more than a decade, and I couldn’t be more ashamed of myself.

Booze and I have never been on great terms. Ever since the beginning of our relationship (pineapple UDLs that a mate’s older sister bought for us … classy), alcohol has turned me into a completely different person, and quite frankly, one I loathe. One that says things I don’t mean and does things I’d never normally do.

And before you go and psychoanalyse me and say “drunk people say what they’re really thinking when they’re sober”, for me, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve told my boyfriend I hate him, my best friends I don’t want to be mates anymore and spat venom that’s truly the opposite of the way I feel.

Kristie Mercer enjoying an espresso martini. These days she’s careful about watching how much she drinks.

I become nasty, aggressive and actively push away the people I love the most. And the worst part? I have zero recollection of any of my disgusting behaviour because I’m a blackout drunk. Once I drink myself over that line, I wake up the next morning remembering nothing. Literally nothing. Just darkness. And that scares the living hell out of me.

After nights like these (and for me there have been many), the only way to assess the level of shame I should feel is to piece together the puzzle from hearsay.

“I think you screamed at him when he told you to have a glass of water,” or, “I think you stormed out of the pub into traffic because she said not to have another shot.” Each time, it’s like another brushstroke of unacceptable behaviour to paint one very ugly picture.

I’ve often been too ashamed to ask “what happened last night?” because it’s almost more offensive to those you hurt to tell them you have no memory and therefore no remorse. You can apologise all you like, but half the time you’re not really even sure what you’re saying sorry for.

And maybe that’s why I kept behaving like this for so long, kept repeating this unacceptable version of myself weekend after weekend, because there was no ownership over my actions. It was easy to distance myself from the things I’d done because it felt like a different person was guilty — a person that I was totally unconnected to and could almost blame from afar. And that was what I did for a really long time.

There has been wreckage along the way, though. At one point my friends banded together for an intervention because they could no longer be there for someone who relentlessly hurled abuse.

I’ve almost lost the most important person in my life a number of times — my boyfriend of seven years. And I’m ashamed to say my family have often seen me in this state over the years. But because my drunken behaviour was limited to weekends, it was easy for me to defend.

“I’m not an alcoholic” I’d tell myself “because I don’t crave booze during the week.”

But the thing that’s taken me way too long to realise is that you don’t have to depend daily on alcohol to have an alcohol dependency. You don’t have to be a stereotypical drunk sipping from a brown paper bag to have a serious problem with alcohol.

For me, there is no quick fix in my battle with booze, and there never will be. It’s a constant self-assessment and awareness once I start drinking, and it will be for the rest of my life.

Because for a long time, I really didn’t like myself very much — so I figured nobody else would either unless I was the “drunk fun one.”

One thing I know for sure now is that I don’t need to be drunk for anyone to like me, and I certainly don’t need to be drunk to like myself.

Kristie Mercer is one half of The Thinkergirls — who love to chat on their nightly KIIS FM show about all the thoughts you’re thinking but not saying. Find the girls on Facebook.