My Husband Gaslighted Our Daughter Into Cutting Me Off

TRACEY Atkinson hasn’t seen her 12-year-old daughter for five months and there is nothing she can do about it.

Tracey thought the abuse would stop when I left my husband — but it just got worse.

WHEN Tracey Atkinson* finally escaped her abusive husband in 2011, she took the only thing she couldn’t live without — her daughter.

“He always said, ‘If you leave, you leave with nothing,’” Tracey told Whimn.

Now, seven years later, Tracey is still suffering at the hands of her sadistic ex. He has taken their daughter back — and alienated her from her mother.

The abuse had been going on for 16 years. It started as nasty put-downs that eroded Tracey’s self-esteem and escalated to physical violence.

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Towards the end of their toxic relationship Barry Clark* started to take precautions — he cut Tracey off financially and even removed the child seat from the family car.

“People say, ‘Why don’t you just leave,’ but it’s so much more complicated than that,” Tracey said. “There was no way I would leave my daughter behind.”

With help from the police, Tracey did get out. She spent the first night sleeping on a friend’s floor; terrified that Barry would come after her. The next day she moved to a women’s shelter and was eventually housed in secure accommodation.

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Despite escaping, Tracey was far from free. It was clear that Barry was going to make life as difficult as he could for her — there was no “new beginning” — she was under a new roof, but her abusive ex still cast a dark shadow over her life.

Barry went on the charm offensive. He hired a lawyer and spun a web of lies that made Tracey seem delusional and mentally ill. The courts granted him access.

“He did everything he could to maintain control — he hid assets to avoid giving me money,” she said. “He wouldn’t even hand over Claire’s* bed or her toys. We were sleeping on a mattress on the floor. He’d tell her, ‘Daddy’s got everything here — come back to me.’”

Over time, Barry has continued to tip the scales in his favour. He has a lawyer; Tracey has to represent herself (she works part-time so is not entitled to legal aid). He buys Claire expensive gifts (such as an iPads and an Apple watch) while Tracey lives week-to-week on her careworker wages.

Alarm bells started ringing when Claire began returning from weekends with her father with ideas of her parents getting back together.

“She started coming home and saying, ‘Daddy wants to be your friend, he cries in front of me, he really wants to be your friend.’

“But in the background he’s swearing at me, abusing me, following me to places, stalking the house out the front,” Tracey said.

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Last September, Barry took Claire for a weekend visit and defied court orders by failing to return her. Tracey believes that Barry has manipulated and gaslighted her daughter, slowly making her doubt her relationship with and love for her mother.

Gaslighting, named after the 1944 film Gaslight, is common in family violence situations and involves manipulating someone until they begin to doubt their own sanity.

“He has always has been manipulative,” she said. “When I was in the marriage he didn’t allow me to have friends. I was lucky if I could go next door and talk to the neighbour, he’d chase me up. I’d work in the [family business] with him. So, he had constant contact with me.

“Now he’s doing that to Claire. She’s got an iWatch with his phone number in it, so he’s got constant tabs on her. She’s got no friends, she does no after-school activities. She goes straight from school to his house, and that’s it.”

Claire now says that she wants to stay with her father, but Tracey believes her daughter is the victim of a serious manipulation.

“It means I’m not seeing my daughter, I’m not having contact with her. I’m lucky if I speak to her [on the phone]. She’s in the same area as me, and I cannot see her, cannot touch her — it’s unbearable.”

From the outside, the situation seems utterly absurd — how could the Family Court grant access to a father when there is a history of domestic violence?

Lesley Robson works with women who have escaped domestic violence in her role as a housing support manager at BaptistCare. Sadly, she said situations like Tracey’s happen regularly.

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“Alienation of mother and child bonding is very common in all situations of domestic and family abuse,” Ms Robson said. “The children have their own solicitor to represent their views, and have a family consultant when over the age of five.

“This means that if the mother and child bond has been broken, and the child has been alienated from their mother, they may say that they don’t want to see their mother.”

So why is this happening? Chrissy Leontios, principal lawyer at CLEON Legal said family law jurisdiction has a very long way to go in managing and dealing with family violence. However, she also noted there have been big improvements.

Ms Leontios would like to see compulsory training for family law practitioners (including barristers) on family violence.

“Family law practitioners need to receive training on how to deal with clients using a trauma-informed lens — they also need ongoing training on interviewing skills for victims of violence. Victims yearn for their stories to be heard and respected,” she said.

In addition, Leontios noted that greater funding is needed for legal aid.

“A person who is self-representing, with no access to a lawyer is seriously compromised,” she said.

While there may have been some improvements, the changes have not come fast enough for Tracey.

“I’ve done nothing wrong — but I am being punished in the worst possible way,” she said. “Living without my daughter is excruciating.”

If you or someone you know is affected by domestic violence, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732)

* Names have been changed

This article originally appeared on whimn.com.au and is republished with permission.