Rachel Kayrooz who suffered domestic violence talks about her heartbreak for Allison Baden-Clay and White Ribbon Night

HAVING known what it’s like to fight back Rachel Kayrooz tells of her own domestic violence nightmare and her pain at Allison’s Baden-Clay death.

ON JULY 15 a jury found Gerard Baden-Clay guilty of killing his wife Allison. It was a decision which ricocheted around Australia as wives, husbands, mothers and fathers grieved for a woman who was the victim of domestic violence.

One person who knows the pain of domestic violence first-hand is Rachel Kayrooz. She was subjected to violent treatment at the hands of her partner. Lucky for her, she managed to escape. But cases like Allison’s bring the memories flooding back in an all too real way.

“I first met my future boyfriend at a wedding — I was 22 and the singer and he was 33 in the string quartet. I had a lot going for me. I had great friends, I was doing really well with my music and acting career. I had a great day job in marketing and was pretty much enjoying life as best as I could.

He manipulated me from that night forward. He had just gone through a breakup and I found out much later on that he had a domestic violence order out against him.

It started out as emotional and psychological abuse and stalking, some of which I wasn’t aware of until later. He would stalk male colleagues he thought I was involved with. I didn’t feel safe anywhere.

Gerard Baden-Clay found guilty of killing wife Allison

He used to say that I was fat. He would put me down consistently.

I would have to cover up my bruises with makeup and long-sleeved tops when we were out in public.

He would check my petrol receipts and the kilometres travelled on my vehicle.

He would lock me up in the house during the day and take the keys and the phone.

He took over $35,000 of my money that I had saved up.

As the years progressed I tried to break up with him several times. But you’re caught in that cycle of psychological control.

A lot of people say, ‘Why didn’t you just leave him?’ But you’re isolated behind closed doors. I ended up pregnant to him and just wanting to go my own way because he wasn’t happy that I was pregnant.

I thought he was going to leave me but he turned around and said, ‘Let’s move in together.’

We moved to a suburb away from my family and friends. I was four-and-a-half months pregnant — I wanted to be close to my parents because my dad was dying and I had no support.

When I was pregnant I would come down in the morning to make myself some breakfast.

He would throw the food against the wall and say, ‘Go clean it up bitch’. I suffered from anorexia for many years. I was anorexic when I was pregnant. The doctor said, ‘Eat a pizza, eat a burger, eat anything. You need to put on weight.’

Rachel Kayrooz now practises martial arts.

When I was six-and-a-half months pregnant he beat me and left me in a cupboard to die.

Here I was, pregnant, beaten unconscious, lying in a hospital bed not knowing if I was going to survive. If I died but my baby survived, what would happen to my child?

It was at that point I realised I couldn’t be the only person going through this.

After that I lived between my car and the rental property we shared.

He was having affairs with other women so he would leave at night. I would go back into the house and have a shower and then I would go back to the car at night.

The police came around, I think when my daughter was three months old. They would have us in the same room and ask me to tell them what happened. I couldn’t speak, because he told me if I said anything to the cops he would kill me.

Eventually they put an order out against him. When my daughter was six months old we managed to get a rental property. He stalked us there for a year and I had to move a third time.

He would drive by and ring my phone all hours of the day and night. He would leave messages saying, ‘Whose f***ing car is out there, you f***ing slut?’

He would make it impossible for me to live.

He would have other women ring my number and abuse me. The mind control was so disgusting I had to move. We used to live in hiding.

He did take my daughter once when she was nine months old. He said he was going to buy her some clothes at the shops. Later he rang me and said, ‘You’re never f***ing seeing her ever again’. He said ‘If you call the police, I will kill her’.

I rang the centre management and said, ‘Look my ex-partner has got my child. I’m fearful for her life, but you can’t let on that you know’.

Security followed him out of the centre and made sure they had him on camera and watched him leave with her.

I finally got her back after two hours. It was all just a ploy to get to me.

With the Allison Baden-Clay case, I’ve followed it quite closely from the outset. I just knew the moment I saw him pleading, I just knew he was guilty.

I had been in that same situation where my ex was strangling me and I had to reach to pull him off me and my fingernails scraped his cheek. Having known what it’s like to have the weight of a man on top of you and to have to fight back like that …. The Baden-Clay case did bring up a lot of trauma for me. I had to turn off the news several times. Any sort of reminder can be quite traumatic.

Court exhibit of scratches on the face of Gerard Baden-Clay which he claims were from a shaver.

WHY DON’T YOU JUST LEAVE?

Not everyone has a supportive family and friends. The victim has usually been isolated geographically.

They control the finances. They don’t let you work or they take all the money. They seem to know ways around things. If they have a joint bank account they draw an open line of credit.

They make a lot of women afraid of the children being alone with him. It’s very difficult.

Particularly in regional areas, a woman’s partner might be friends with the local police, the butcher, the owner of the pub — they know everyone in town so she has no one to turn to.

If someone does open up about domestic violence to someone and they don’t get the help they need to get to safety, it’s on average another three years before that person will try again to seek help. We’ve got a woman dying every week at the hands of her current or former partner.

Domestic violence isn’t necessarily the stereotype of a single mum with five kids. It can happen to anyone of any gender. I do recognise it happens to males too and both genders can be perpetrators, although the majority of reported cases are women suffering at the hands of men.

I speak about my experience now to try to have a voice so other women know they’re not alone in what they’re going through. But it is really tough.

Family and friends of Allison Baden-Clay release yellow balloons to celebrate the guilty verdict of Gerard Baden-Clay murder trial. Pic Darren England.

I have a lot of disabilities — a lot of physical injuries and a lot of emotional trauma.

I’ve got arthritis in my jaw. It’s been causing havoc with my teeth, my bite and the way my jaw sits. I have to wear a splint, day and night. There’s been talk of reconstruction. I have ongoing skeletal issues. I have a broken nose. It’s a constant reminder but you just try and get through it.

I have arthritis in my knees and I see a chiropractors. I have to do hydrotherapy and physio.

It’s really expensive. The cost of all the different specialist and counselling for both myself and my daughter.

But whenmy daughter was around 18 months, I looked upwards and thought, ‘Oh my goodness, look at the sky!’ I had not shown my face to the sky in so long. I wasn’t allowed to look at people. I kept my head down.

So at least once a day now I look at the sky and just appreciate the freedom I have.”

Rachel is a supporter of White Ribbon Night which is a fundraising event being held on July 25, 2014, for the White Ribbon foundation, Australia’s campaign to stop domestic violence against women.

If you or someone you know needs help. 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) is a 24-hour, National Sexual Assault, Family & Domestic Violence Counselling Line for any Australian who has experienced, or is at risk of, family and domestic violence and/or sexual assault.

To find out how you can get involved with the White Ribbon or to donate, visit http://www.whiteribbon.org.au.

Rachel Kayrooz has been the recipient of a News Corp Australia Pride of Australia medal for courage for her work with her support organisation shoutspeakout.org.