‘Red flags’ of an abusive relationship woman didn’t see coming

Nadine had three young children when one moment suddenly made her realise the “honeymoon” period was over and she had to get out.

Like so many women, the relationships that Nadine* had with each of the two men who would go on to abuse her didn’t seem dangerous at the beginning.

“They started off like any other honeymoon period, you know? For the first month or two, everything was good,” she told news.com.au.

“And then their behaviour would slowly start to change. They’d start getting angry because I wasn’t putting out, or I wasn’t home at the time that they wanted me to be at home. Just little things that grew bigger and bigger.”

Despite being brought up in a household that was “kind of falling apart” – with a father who was violent toward her mother – Nadine didn’t really realise what she was going through until she was out the other side.

She said perpetrators were “so good at hiding what they do through coercive control”, a strategic form of ongoing oppression used to instill fear.

“It’s just one of those things that I guess you don’t think about,” Nadine said.

She also wasn’t aware, at the time, of what “red flags” in a controlling relationship looked like.

“Some people think it’s just a normal part of relationship to have to pay for something – or give up something in order to get something else,” the mum-of-three said.

On average, one woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner.

Almost 10 women a day are hospitalised for assault injuries at the hands of a spouse or domestic partner.

Every day in May, as part of Domestic and Family Violence Awareness Month, news.com.au will tell the stories behind these shocking statistics.

Nadine found it hard to tell her relationships were abusive at first. Picture: AAP Image/Dan Peled

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She managed to escape the “scary” relationship with her first perpetrator – who pushed her out of a door when she was eight months pregnant with their child – and moved back to her family.

When Nadine met her second partner at work, it wasn’t long before the abuse – physical, spiritual, financial “over the top” abuse – began, but leaving the relationship was difficult.

“It was probably only six months in that I wanted an out … but it took three years to be able to, because he made threats to kill both himself and the children. And I wasn’t so concerned about him, but more my children,” she said.

The violence – toward Nadine and her children, two of which he was the biological father – got to the point where she “couldn’t take it anymore”.

“One night, I was involved in an armed holdup at work and I didn’t come straight home that day. And when I did get home, he was straight in my face about being late – and that was it. I couldn’t take it anymore,” she said.

“It was the fact that he didn’t give a s**t that something had happened to me at work. Instead it was, ‘Well, you should’ve come straight home’, you know? That was it for me.”

For the first few months after Nadine left, things were OK. But when her ex-partner left the state, it quickly got out of hand.

“I took the children to see him and he took off with them. So I had to go back through court, in another state, to have intervention orders done, and the federal police got involved to recover my children … And then myself and the children got home on a credit card,” she said.

“From then on, I’ve always had issues of being stalked. I’ve had property stolen. He had family members who were meant to help me look after the house but they were just as dodgy (as him) and they cleared our stuff out.”

Worse now, she said, was that her ex-partner had custody of their children – dismissing everything that Nadine and her family went through and, she said, highlighted another “Stolen Generation” story because she was Indigenous, while he was caucasian.

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“The court doesn’t care. He’s actually got an assault charge going back about seven years ago against, believe it or not, my father … and yet he’s seen as the good person. And here I am just trying to make ends meet and get on with life and my experience has not been validated,” she said.

“No one cares about it because it’s ‘in the past’. But when it comes to you – you’re the one being made to look like an arsehole for trying to prove that these people have hurt other people. And the issue I have is that it’s not just me. He abused before me, he abused after me – which tells you that there’s a big issue there – and yet you’re just not heard. No one cares. I don’t know how to describe it.”

What makes her even sadder, she said, is that her children “don’t have any connection to country or culture, because they’re living with someone who can’t do that” and shows no interest in helping them foster and embrace their Indigenous heritage.

Indigenous women are 32 times as likely to be hospitalised due to family violence as non-Indigenous women, according to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. And yet, Nadine said, so many of their stories go unheard.

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“People see it and they don’t speak out. And I can understand – it’s extremely hard to do,” she said.

“But when you look at a white person versus someone of another race or another colour, you find that those of another colour are being targeted more than those who are white, but for the wrong reasons. I definitely think it’s gendered, in a way, and I also do believe it just goes unheard.”

When it comes to changing the issue of domestic violence in Australia, Nadine said it was important to look at those making the decision that a perpetrator had been rehabilitated and whether they were ready to re-enter the community.

“When I was being stalked by my ex, the police told me that there was nothing they could do unless I was dead – but how does that help me now?” she said.

“It has to go back to them if something happens – because all too often, women are being killed because police have done nothing. Women have cried for help and they’re just being pushed away.”

*Name has been changed

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