Mother-of-two says ex-husband gaslighted her for years but she just thought she’d ‘married an arsehole’

When things went wrong in Hayley’s fairytale relationship, she didn’t realise she was being gaslighted for years.

When Hayley* married her ex-husband Paul* she thought she’d found a fairytale relationship with a decent guy who even whisked her off to Paris to propose at the Eiffel Tower.

Now she thinks this was all an act after enduring years of abuse including gaslighting.

Hayley said things started to change when she gave birth to their first child. That’s when the threats and intimidation began.

“I was diagnosed with post natal depression and he would tell me I was crazy and that I couldn’t leave because they would take my daughter, and no one would believe me because I was crazy.”

She said things would be great for a while but then something would switch.

“He’d be lovely but then for whatever reason he would get angry,” she told news.com.au.

“One night he came home and cleared the dining room table, just smashed everything, the dinner I prepared all went on the floor.

“For no reason, he just grabbed his bag and then went out.”

On average, one woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner.

Almost 10 women a day are hospitalised for assault injuries at the hands of a spouse or domestic partner.

Every day in May, as part of Domestic and Family Violence Awareness Month, news.com.au will tell the stories behind those shocking statistics.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse.

He also used to throw glasses at her randomly.

“He wouldn’t say anything but would just throw the glasses at me. Then he would go out and I’d be left to clean up the mess.”

It wasn’t until they separated that Hayley realised he had gambling and drug addictions.

“He would ignore me for days on end and then go out for days on end,” she said.

“He would leave the house and not say anything, he wouldn’t even say goodbye.”

When she tried to confront her husband about his disappearances he would deny that he ever went out.

“He would say, ‘What are you talking about, I haven’t gone out in ages’,” she said.

“All these things to make you think you’re losing your mind.”

Hayley now believes she was subjected to gaslighting, which is a form of psychological abuse that makes a person question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories.

In order to keep a grip on reality, Hayley began leaving herself notes on the calendar on her phone so that she could remember when he was going out.

Hayley said her husband would pick fights with her, getting angry because she had unlocked the door.

“He was going off his brain that I’d unlocked the door but I remember locked the door, I knew I had locked it.

“He would say I’d left the stove on when I knew I had turned it off.”

One time he asked her to check the mail and so she went and checked it. There was nothing in the letterbox but then he came back with a pile of letters and asked why she hadn’t collected all the letters.

“I knew for a fact there were no letters,” she said.

“When this is happening day-in, day-out, it really does mess with your sense of reality.

“I was constantly treading on eggshells.”

At times Hayley did think she was crazy and didn’t realise she was in an abusive relationship because there was no physical violence. She was also busy with a career that allowed her to travel around the world and he supported all of that.

“Because it happened over so long a period of time you feel so trapped and so worthless,” she said.

“I didn’t know I could go to the police, I didn’t have a black eye and thought no one would believe me. I didn’t know about the domestic violence (phone) line.

“I just thought I married an arsehole.”

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‘I left with nothing but the clothes on my back’

When Hayley got pregnant with their second child, she told her husband she wanted a termination as she already felt she wanted to separate.

“He picked me up and grabbed me by the throat and said if anything happened to the baby in my stomach, that I’d never see my daughter again, I’ll never forget that,” she said.

While Hayley doesn’t regret having her second child and loves them both to death, her husband essentially forced her to go through with the pregnancy.

“I guess I knew things were not right but I was in denial and I was ashamed,” she said.

“I knew I needed to leave but I had no idea how to do it and I was scared.

“I thought ‘maybe I can fix it’ because before we had kids it was such a fairytale relationship.

“He swept me off my feet, he was a nice guy, he seemed like a decent guy but it was all an act I guess.”

She was also afraid of what he would do.

“He always threatened to kill me if I left and that he would kill the kids, that kept me paralysed for a long time,” she said.

“He had this particular line he would say, that he would kill me and that our daughter would live with his mum. Once I had (the second child), he would tell me he’d kill the kids if I left so that I’d suffer every day for leaving him.”

What helped Hayley to leave was seeing a psychologist after her second child was born, who talked to her about domestic violence, power and control and she realised she was in a domestic violence relationship.

“I left with nothing but the clothes on my back and $33 in my bank account,” she said.

“I said I was going for a child’s birthday party and I never went back.”

She now lives in hiding and has moved several times.

“I’ve had to change my car, my name and my appearance, everything about myself is changed,” she said.

“Because I know if he finds me, he will kill me.”

However, she hopes her decision will be good for her children.

“The sooner you leave, the better it is for the children,” she said.

“I didn’t want my daughter to see this behaviour and think this is how men should treat her. Or for my son to think this is how he should act.

“It shouldn’t be normal for them to see me crying.”

She believes that there can be change in the community but this needs to start with the children.

“By leaving you are giving them (the children) a chance to not have this sort of life,” she said.

If things don’t feel right, she said women should listen to their gut.

“So many women feel there is nothing they can do, and nowhere to go,” she said.

“There is a lot of help available, don’t be paralysed by fear.”

[e-mail] | @charischang

* Names have been changed