James Weir: The million-dollar empire awaiting Pete Evans and his magic lamps

His contract with Seven has been nixed. But there’s a mountain of money around the corner for Australia’s controversial health influencer.

COMMENT

Like many people right now, former My Kitchen Rules judge Pete Evans has been forced to focus more time on activating a new business model and less time activating his almonds.

With no future series of MKR planned, Channel 7 has cut ties with the paleo poster boy who has appeared on all 11 series of the cooking show since it premiered in 2010.

An insider told The Daily Telegraph on Friday the broadcaster had “amicably parted ways” with the controversial star who once had a lucrative $800,000 contract with the network.

It’s no surprise. The show was a total snooze. How was Pete supposed to compete with those ferals over on Married At First Sight who were cheating and rubbing each other’s toothbrushes in the toilet? You just can’t win when you’re up against that kind of complex, layered storytelling.

Losing the MKR gig comes just weeks after he was fined $25,000 by the Therapeutic Goods Administration for promoting a “light machine” he claimed could be used to treat COVID-19.

His “light machine” is basically a lamp from Freedom and he’s convinced it has magic powers. I’m not saying it doesn’t – I’m just saying I also have a lamp from Freedom and it didn’t come with a book of spells.

Pete’s bringing back the lava lamp.

Pete needn’t worry. One door shuts, another opens and this is an opportunity to conquer new terrain as our very own Gwyneth Paltrow.

Gwyneth has long been the butt of jokes for the unusual wares and alternative therapies she promotes on her lifestyle website Goop. The New York Times reported in 2018 Goop was worth $250 million.

Pete’s already the butt of jokes, so half the job’s done. Now he just has to start a blog and sell his made-up products.

Gwyneth introduced us all to vaginal steaming and vaginal weights. Then she diversified with vagina candles. Gwyneth seems to have cornered the vaginal accessories market. And even if she hadn’t, Australia isn’t crying out for a Paleo Pete vagina candle. We don’t even want a Paleo Pete penis candle.

But magic lamps are a terrific starting point. And bespoke activated almonds are classic Pete. All businesses need a signature product.

I personally am looking forward to Pete standing in front of a floral penis installation.

THE CLASSIC TALE OF THE CRYING INFLUENCER

Every few months, we’re confronted with a crying influencer. These are my favourite kind of stories.

An influencer who, at the first sign of trouble – or slightest hint of actual work – falls into hysterics and blames the cruel world they inhabit.

Last week in this column we had a yarn about OnlyFans – the subscription-based platform largely used by people to make money from X-rated photos and videos of themselves. We were musing about how some reality contestants are now seeing it as a fallback career option after they’re kicked off whatever reality freakshow they appeared on.

Well, when it rains, it pours. OnlyFans is in the news again this week. This time a crying influencer posted a video to TikTok where she complained about losing followers on the adult platform as a result of the economic downturn during the pandemic.

Billie Beever, who has more than 113,000 followers on Instagram, said in her video “everyone on TV is always talking about how, like, everyone has lost their jobs and, like, people can’t pay for anything anymore”.

“Like, I’m losing subscribers on OnlyFans, like — my main source of income — like, I can’t pay my rent anymore,” she said through tears.

“And, like, I have … I have nothing else going for me.

“I have no other talent. I can’t dance, I can’t sing. I can’t do anything so, like, I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do.”

When people told her to, you know, get a job, she was completely offended and accused them of looking down on people in the sex industry.

“I don't want to get a job at Coles, because this is my job, this is my career … Do you know how much it costs to keep up my maintenance?” she told The Kyle & Jackie O Show.

“Coles won't cut that. I'm sorry, but Coles won't cut that! This sh*t is expensive. I just can't. I just can't do it.'

I absolutely support sex workers. People who genuinely want to work in the industry are strong and smart and interesting and funny. I also sympathise with vulnerable people who have no other choice but to work in and on the fringes of the industry. But I don’t have tolerance for people who see the profession as a superficial shortcut to fast money and fame – a mere stepping stone in a grand plan to do as little as possible.

That motivation is disrespectful to their colleagues in the industry who’ve entered it with more grounded intentions. I’m suffering from influencer exhaustion.

But Billie Beever is correct. Scott Morrison should absolutely introduce a stimulus package exclusively for amateur internet porn stars on OnlyFans who are working tirelessly to stimulate both their own and the public’s packages. #StimulateYaPackage.

The classic tale of the crying influencer.

WHAT WE WANT AFTER ISO

The thought of reading books or watching TV shows about living in isolation is just exhausting.

As we all wish away the next few months and dream of everything going back to normal, the first big TV show about the coronavirus pandemic has been announced. Social Distance will be a quarantine-themed anthology series for Netflix – written, shot, and produced during the pandemic. It’s helmed by Weeds and Orange Is The New Black mastermind Jenji Kohan. I love Jenji. Who doesn’t? But I don’t want to spend any more time in this world of quarantine than I already have.

There is no way to make quarantining interesting right now. All the jokes have been made. We’ve seen the memes and read the relatable think pieces.

If I am wrong and quarantining becomes the hot new entertainment genre that we can’t get enough of, I’ll happily eat my face mask.

Twitter, Facebook, Instagram: @hellojamesweir