James Weir: Isabel Lucas, COVID and all the annoying things we’d like to opt out of

We’ve learnt a huge lesson from this Byron Bay anti-vaxxer. And James Weir has compiled a list of all the other things we’d like to opt out of.

The moment you move to Byron Bay, you opt out of the real world like it’s an annoying e-newsletter mailing list you’ve somehow been placed on against your will.

Social constructs no longer apply. There is no nine-to-five workday. And sand is permanently in your bed sheets but you don’t get grumpy about it like us normal people because you’re now enlightened and exist on a superior spiritual plane.

You opt out of western medicine, food that tastes good and clothing that’s bought in a normal store. Byron Bay is the land of the free – a sacred haven where the Hemsworths have famously opted out of footwear and Pete Evans has opted out of sanity.

Byron Bay locals are always opting out of something and Isabel Lucas is the latest resident to teach us the art of unsubscribing.

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The former Home And Away actress caused a fuss when it was revealed she “opted out” of being tested for COVID-19 while filming the upcoming Bosch & Rockit feature film in Byron last month, even though producers say the test was a mandatory condition of participation in the production.

Those producers must be idiots. By opting into Byron Bay, you automatically opt out of rules and regulations. “Science” is a myth peddled by the government and of course Isabel was hip to their tricks.

“I gave my duty of care of what I could offer to respect everyone’s health and maintain my own health, and I shared that, and I opted out of doing the COVID test,” she told the health and wellbeing podcast Alfa Vedic.

Then she went and recited the Byron Bay mantra: “My immune system has just become so solid from my way of life, how I live and eat and think.”

Local council should print that slogan on ethically-made T-shirts.

Byron Bay residents have a special kind of smugness unique to the Northern Rivers – it’s in the town water instead of fluoride.

Isabel Lucas: opting into the Byron way of life.

Similar to how people who do Barry’s Bootcamp need to Instagram themselves at Barry’s Bootcamp every time they attend a class, people who live in Byron Bay need to brag about their holistic approach to life and wellness even when no one asked about it.

They’re of the belief that all life’s ailments can be fixed with daily salt water swims at sunrise, meditation and weird fermented vegetables.

Isabel didn’t share how she’s fighting off COVID-19 but we assume it’s with essential oils and a piece of orange rind that’s tethered to a twine necklace.

She’s a known anti-vaxxer and also has an issue with 5G. Who knows how she’s going to fight that. A tin foil hat probably isn’t environmentally sound. She’ll have to experiment with some kind of protective cocoon made out of recycled elements – egg shells, old glass kombucha bottles and repurposed burlap potato sacks.

Us regular people can learn a thing or two from Byron Bay celebrities and embrace the art of opting out.

First of all, I’m opting out of all things Byron Bay. They can keep their seeds and nuts and gross dairy substitutes. The Gold Coast is just fine. And at least it has refined carbs and an airport.

Also, enough with the mindfulness apps. They’re stressful and I spend the entire time worrying I’m not meditating right and then I just get annoyed with the guide’s condescendingly calm voice.

Unlike Isabel, I will not be opting out of science or proven medicine. I’ll renew that subscription.

But I will be opting out of parking fines as well as small talk with colleagues about their boring babies. And brunch with people I don’t even like.

Top tip: When people text and try roping you into plans, just reply with “OPT OUT” like they’re a retail store you no longer want updates from.

More importantly, we should all just opt out of 2020.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir