‘I got off on it’: Men reveal why they abused their partners

A man has revealed the reasons he abused former partners in a controversial interview with two other perpetrators of domestic violence.

A man has revealed how he used to “get off on” abusing his former partners in a controversial interview.

James Harding, a former abuser and recovering drug addict, appears on the second episode of SBS’s See What You Made Me Do, a three-part series examining Australia’s domestic violence epidemic.

“I was brought up to never hit a woman,” James is seen saying to two other men. “But all three of us have strangled or put our hands around a woman’s throat.”

James created Hard Cuddles in 2017 – a mentoring and counselling program for men, including perpetrators of domestic violence, who are highly motivated to change and want to help others do the same.

“When I’ve tried to control my partners, ex-partners or my wife, it was because I was out of control. Whether that be financially, drinking, eating … I was too scared to admit that I needed help and I was wrong,” he said.

He described how he “used to really get off on having women almost having anxiety attacks – and cheating on them – and financially f***ing controlling or abusing them”.

“The girl I was seeing, I’d been trying to break up with her. Ran at the car and put my foot straight through the windscreen and then punched out a window and said to her, ‘See what you made me do’,” he recalled, adding they broke up “the day I strangled her”.

On average, one woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner.

Almost 10 women a day are hospitalised for assault injuries at the hands of a spouse or domestic partner.

Every day in May, as part of Domestic and Family Violence Month, news.com.au will tell the stories behind these shocking statistics.

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In See What You Made Me Do, we hear from three former perpetrators of domestic violence. Picture: SBS

Another former perpetrator, Brad, said that he got satisfaction out of “twisting women”.

“It was the control, yeah, verbal abuse – that’s me, 100 per cent. Verbal and emotionally and mentally, I used to f**k them with their heads, mate,” he told James.

“And then I’d take off and I’d be gone for three days and my phone wouldn’t stop. I’d look at my phone 15 minutes later and there’s, you know, 10 messages, three voice calls. You get that feeling of being wanted.”

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As abusers work to understand themselves, they learn their behaviour is often about taking control. Picture: SBS

James Harding ‘used to really get off on having women almost having anxiety attacks – and cheating on them – and financially f***ing controlling or abusing them’. Picture: SBS

Growing up in foster care, Brad said that he couldn’t control what was going on around him, adding it’s “probably why I’ve always – especially with women – been controlling”.

In a harrowing moment for viewers, Brad describes the moment he put his hands around his former partner’s throat, saying that all he “was trying to do was shut her up”.

“You know, just shut her up. I didn’t think, ‘Oh, I’m going to hit, oh, I’m going to grab her’ – it just happened. In my case, if her daughter didn’t walk in, I reckon I would’ve went further,” he said.

“But it’s the losing control. Once I lose control, I just don’t even think.”

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The perception that “men don’t cry” or show their emotions, both James and another former abuser, Steven, said, also contributed to their behaviour.

“I think, emotionally, men have been repressed for a long time. You’re not talking about how you’re feeling, you’re not addressing what’s bubbling under the surface, and you’re under pressure and you’re stressed and you’re not able to talk about it. Nothing’s under control … it’s very easy to snap,” James said.

For Steven, it was also “about power”.

“I don’t get that back from punching someone, because it’s instant. It’s an instant transfer,” he said.

“But when you strangle someone, it’s you and me, and I want you to know that I’ve got power. That was it, I snapped and threw her into our bedroom, in the front, and I strangled her. (It) wasn’t a hold – I had two hands on her throat, and I probably held her throat for 15 seconds.

“And it wasn’t until my ex-partner uttered the words ‘you’re killing me’ that I let go. I was so angry.”

Hill added, “When men describe their experience of abuse, it can sound like they were provoked – they snapped.

“But as they work to understand themselves, they also admit that their abuse is about taking control.”

See What You Made Me Do airs at 8.30pm on Wednesday, May 12 on SBS, NITV and SBS On Demand.

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