How to make sure 2017 doesn’t suck

EACH of us, in our own way, piece by piece, can ensure 2017 sucks way less than its crappy older sister 2016. The answer is simple.

Too many pop icons were lost in 2016 ... just another reason it was a terrible, terrible year.

FEW PEOPLE would disagree that we’ve seen better years than 2016.

Even in the race towards the annus horribilis finish line, we kept losing legendary celebrities and mourning the victims of tragedy, stupidity and violence.

There’s little doubt we have to do better in 2017, but how? How can we stem the almost overwhelming tide of ickiness with our feeble, increasingly disenfranchised personhoods? Compared to Trump, Brexit, One Nation, IS, new Barbecue Shapes and James and Mariah breaking up, how can we not feel ineffectually flaccid?

RIP, original Barbecue Shapes.

The answer is to think small. Each of us, in our own way, piece by piece, can ensure 2017 sucks way less than its crappy older sister.

It’s simple: don’t be a dickhead.

Like many music festivals, football teams, and corporate hiring policies, adopting a No Dickheads Policy could change our culture for the better, meaning that in 2017 we’d have half a chance of making it to December with hope in our hearts and Vegemite in the cupboard, where it belongs. Come on. Only dickheads put Vegemite in the fridge.

That Vegemite does not belong there. Picture: Flickr

If you’re not sure where to start with 2017’s No Dickhead Policy, I’ve made some suggestions below. Almost all non-dickhead behaviour involves thinking about how your actions affect other people, so once you’re in the habit of not being a dickhead, it’ll come to you naturally.

But for starters:

Pick up your plastic bag of dog poo

The complexity of a two-part poo removal system can often stump some dog-owners, evinced by the appearance of plastic-bag-encased turds left on the nature strip. See, we’re nearly there — as a society we’ve embraced the idea of putting our canine’s bum-pellets in a bag. We just need to finish the job and pick the buggers up. It’s like a violent murderer wearing a suit to their trial — it doesn’t matter what you wrap it in, it’s still a piece of crap.

This year saw the demise of Mariah and James Packer. A sad day indeed. Picture: Instagram

Don’t vote with your gut

In both hemispheres this year there’s been some unexpected election results, with a frothing wave of gung-ho, think-with-your-emotions populism overturning the dinghy of practicality and rationality on a global scale. It’s easy to understand why people vote with their gut — I mean somebody’s stealing our jobs, sending our hard-earned money overseas, deliberately ruining the lives of our coalminers and limiting our right to continue being the dominant race. A shouting, passionate crusader is way sexier than a boring old policy that might take a decade to improve anything. Rhetoric and charisma is much more interesting and persuasive than statistics and peer-blah-reviewed-blah-evidence. But solutions take time, and cost money, don’t please everyone, and are boring. Fairness and reason are tedious, but right. Check what the people you’re thinking of voting for are saying about the smaller, boring stuff, and check to see if it makes practical sense.

Then obviously check to see what their haircut is like — you’re going to have to look at it for a really long time.

Yep. That is quite the hairdo. Picture: AP

Don’t drive like a dickhead

Interestingly, road rules aren’t there to specifically inconvenience you — I know, weird. At their smallest, road rules give other people a reasonable expectation of what you’re about to do — which way you’re going to turn, when you’re going to stop, cute things like that. At their largest, road rules give other people a reasonable hope of finishing the day with their skulls and entrails intact. Both of those things — knowing what to expect and not being dead — are actually super-convenient for everybody, including you. Pretty much every car accident is the result of somebody being a dickhead. Although admittedly some of them are because of a bee.

Don’t be racist

Regardless of whether or not you think section 18C of the Racial Discrimination Act should be repealed, and despite the policies of some of our political parties, it turns out that being racist is actually not a nice thing to do. Sure, some namby-pamby wowsers want to take away our right to “offend, insult, humiliate or intimidate” other people, but they probably just think that there’s better things you could be doing, like oh, I don’t know — NOT offending, insulting, humiliating or intimidating other people. Look, you can say whatever you like about an individual if it’s true for that individual, but making an assumption, judgment, sweeping statement or policy decision based on something you think just feels true-ish about an entire race or religion is a bad idea. It’s probably racist. It’s probably bigoted. And when it comes down to it, it’s definitely not nice. Why do you not want to be nice? Can we maybe be nice? About people who don’t put their Vegemite in the fridge?

Don’t leave bits of lettuce in the bottom of the supermarket trolley

It’s gross.