‘Felt like I couldn’t survive it’: Aussie Madeline Lane shares powerful Victim Impact Statement

Madeline Lane endured the worst night of her life when she was raped by Mosman man Boyd Kramer. But what came next was just as traumatic.

“This night was the worst night of my life. It forever changed who I am and it almost broke me.” This is an edited extract based on Madeline Lane’s Victim Impact Statement first prepared for court in 2022, and the first time she’s shared a text she received from him before that night.

On April 18, 2020 – during Covid – I was raped by Mosman man, Boyd Kramer.

The crime turned me into a shell of myself. The fear afterwards is almost indescribable: You become afraid of everyone and everyday parts of life that used to be second nature.

I became afraid of leaving my apartment. For months, my housemates were forced to live with the blinds down and me obsessively checking every window and door was locked. To go shopping, I would have to ask a friend to come with me.

Before the rape, I used to enjoy walking along the beach each day, but afterwards, I could no longer do that for fear I would run into him. It took me three long months to gradually overcome this, step by step, walking to the end of my driveway by myself, next to the end of my block, next to the end of the street and so forth.

Before she was raped, Madeline Lane said she used to enjoy life. But that all changed in April 2020.

After the rape, I had no option but to go back to work, as I had (to) continue to get an income to survive. But I was so afraid of him showing up and confronting me, as he had already proved he could overpower me. So I researched what I could legally carry to defend myself against him. I found it was illegal to carry a weapon in self defence, which left me feeling angry and vulnerable. For this reason I began carrying a fork in my hand any time I had to leave the office.

Four months after the rape, I told my family. They had already sensed something was very wrong, but until then, I didn’t feel able to confide as I wasn’t ready to say the word “rape” or associate it with me. I was terrified that they might look at me differently.

This crime also affected my friendships and ability to be touched. For months I struggled to look people in the eye. I was afraid they would know I was different – I was used – so I had to retrain myself to maintain eye contact.

After her rape, Ms Lane developed depression and anxiety. Picture: news.com.au

Madeline Lane endured the worst night of her life when she was raped by Mosman man Boyd Kramer.

In cross-examination, the defence accused me of seeking “attention” from friends and family. But the truth was the complete opposite. I withdrew from most people. I was so ashamed and embarrassed and I felt so dirty that I didn’t want them knowing what had happened to me. Later, when I finally did tell people, I would cry uncontrollably, shake, or vomit.

So I withdrew.

I lost my appetite. I had constant nightmares. For 11 months, I couldn’t sleep on “my side” of the bed because on that night, it was his side of the bed [Kramer had texted her a picture of his bed before the rape, saying “it’s like two beds in one, so if you need to move all the way over the other side to get away from me you can haha”. In a dark turn, despite trying, Madeline could not get away.]

I developed anxiety and depression. My career – being customer-facing and commission-based – was impacted, as was my ability to concentrate and succeed in general.

For months on end, it was like emotional whiplash: I could go from being inconsolable to angry, to scared, to crying, to not being able to speak at all. It seemed inconceivable that just three minutes of his life and mine could irrevocably change who I was as a person. Most of all though, I felt so alone.

Reporting the crime was the toughest decision of my life. I didn’t feel strong. But I couldn’t risk him doing it to someone else, and have someone else go through what I had been through.

I knew I had to do everything within my power to stop him.

It wasn’t an easy process. The police investigation and the legal process amplified the trauma tenfold. I could no longer get out of bed anymore. By the trial, I had no more motivation to leave my apartment or see my friends. I just wanted to sleep until it was over.

I didn’t understand how I could feel this level of pain and not have it visible. One day it got so bad my partner had to call the police to do a mental wellness check. I was taken to the hospital and released under a friend’s watch. There was a time where I honestly felt like I couldn’t survive it.

To this day, I still have anxiety in social situations. I went from being a gregarious traveller who had visited 33 countries and loved life, to someone with a severe lack of trust in strangers and people in general.

Ms Lane said she went from a ‘gregarious traveller’ to someone who feared strangers.

I used to believe the best in people and that people were generally good. He destroyed that.

I trusted him that day when he promised he would be a gentleman and wouldn’t do anything to make me uncomfortable. I trusted him that night when he promised again and again he wouldn’t put it inside of me. Those lies have continued to affect me to this day.

I also have to deal with anger: an emotion I’m not used to feeling to this intensity. I’m so angry about what he did to me, what he has taken from me and how it has affected me as a person.

I’m angry about this whole ordeal, about that night, about how flawed the system is against survivors of sexual assault.

‘Swipe left’: Boyd Kramer’s Tinder profile.

In court, I was accused of lying and even “enjoying” the attention of being a rape complainant in a trial. Why would anyone willingly want to be put through that? No survivor of rape should have the worst experience of their life dragged out like that in a room full of strangers where they are left humiliated and broken.

The whole system needs to change. That is why I am speaking out.

My life was put on hold for years, but here I stand, having the truth heard. I am finally able to stand tall, finally able to close that chapter, so I can begin to heal and move on from the worst night of my life.

I left that courtroom with my head held high because you did not break me Boyd, and I am still standing.

I’m building myself back up and you’ve made me stronger than I thought I could be.

So now it’s time you be held accountable for your crime and what you’ve taken from me.

This is an edited extract based on the Victim Impact Statement first written by Madeline Lane for court in 2022.

Madeline Lane is helping to spearhead news.com.au’s Take The Stand campaign, which seeks to make reporting sexual violence through court less traumatic.