Domestic violence: ‘Detrimental impact’ of years of financial abuse

Jennie thought her handsome boss was the perfect partner - but on her very first visit to his house, she noticed something that would become darkly significant.

He was supportive, funny, attentive, and well liked in the workplace. When Jennie Cromwell, at the age of 19, met the man who would become her husband, she was “on track to marry Prince Charming”.

Far from the widely-held perception of domestic violence victims – women from “low socio-economic households that had come from highly volatile backgrounds” – Ms Cromwell, who was studying, worked part time and lived with her parents, “never thought it could happen to me”.

When she became romantically involved with her boss, nine years her senior and previously married – a “significant imbalance of power” that she didn’t register at the time – he was just “a really charming, charismatic guy”.

“In hindsight, even right back at the beginning, though, there were many red flags that I just brushed aside,” she told news.com.au.

“When I first visited his house, there was a hole in the wall, and his excuse was that his ex-wife had gone to punch him and missed. And as naive as I was, I accepted that. It just played into my more compassionate side, where I felt sorry for him and wanted to help him through his troubles.”

On average, one woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner.

Almost 10 women a day are hospitalised for assault injuries at the hands of a spouse or domestic partner.

Every day in May, as part of Domestic and Family Violence Month, news.com.au will tell the stories behind these shocking statistics.

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The financial abuse Jennie Cromwell suffered at the hand's of her ex-husband had a "detrimental impact" on her and their children. Picture: iStock

One of the most dangerous elements of domestic violence, she said, is how “insidious” it is.

“For me, more and more of the controlling behaviour started coming in around monitoring my whereabouts,” she explained.

“At times I started to feel a bit smothered, but I just put it down to him being really protective and loving.”

Like many victims, the “psychological aspect” increased first – and by the time the physical violence began, “I was already in pretty deep”.

“I went on to marry the guy – which to many people might sound ridiculous – but when you’re caught in that cycle of DV, it honestly does feel like it’s a spell and you can’t see things for what they really are,” she said.

“He always found an excuse, but I did as well. Because part of that cycle is there’s also lovely times. And that’s what keeps you there – they’re not a horrible person all the time, and so you tend to turn a blind eye and put excuses to it.”

While at first her immediate family “tried to intervene” in her relationship – drawing the couple closer – they came to see her ex as a “doting husband and, eventually, father”.

But behind closed doors, she was “constantly walking on eggshells”.

“You’re questioning yourself, you’re questioning your own abilities, your own decision making, and really you’re often second guessing whether you’ve misinterpreted situations or comments,” she said.

“Your self-worth is really ground down to almost nothing. I remember thinking to myself, ‘I just have to get out of here soon because otherwise there’ll be nothing left of me’. It’s almost like your internal flame or light feels like it’s about to be snuffed out.”

In the early stages of her first pregnancy, Ms Cromwell wanted to leave – but “I was convinced that I would be a terrible mother if I was to break up the relationship, so I stayed”.

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After the birth of couple’s second child, she left the relationship for the first time, and took their children with her.

In the years that followed, they went through court, and her ex-husband participated in a six month anger management course, with counsellors saying “he did seem quite genuine about wanting to change”.

After six months of counselling together, “we began to bring our lives back together again”. Ms Cromwell “really wanted to give it a second go, because to me, I really wanted to have that happy family for my children”.

While her eyes were a lot more open to the cycle and signs of domestic violence, it sadly didn’t change the outcome.

It was a comment from her nine-year-old – who told Ms Cromwell that “none of us can live like this anymore” – in 2012, and a night a few weeks later that pushed her to finally escape.

“I was just sobbing – you know, really crying uncontrollably, on my hands and knees – begging at my husband’s feet to be forgiven for something,” she recalled.

“And I just thought, ‘Wow, this isn’t the person I once used to be and it’s not the role model I want to be for my kids.’”

What’s important for people to understand about domestic violence, she said, is that it “doesn’t end when a person leaves a relationship”.

The biggest form of coercive control she encountered at the hands of her ex-husband “was the financial abuse that happened through court” when he cut child support – having a “detrimental impact” on both her and their children.

“The ongoing stress for four years of not knowing whether you’re going to get those child support payments – that level of worry over such a long period of time, it’s intense,” she said.

Despite having a full time job, she couldn’t afford legal representation; her children “had to give up things that they were used to”; and it was also incredibly “degrading”.

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After almost five years of fighting through the child support agency and a number of different courts, Ms Cromwell was able to collect $33,000 in child support arrears.

“It was a great win, but at the same time, that financial abuse really had come at quite a significant cost to the kids and myself,” she said.

Even so, “I would do it all again”. “I would leave, I would make the fight and the battle. I wouldn’t want to, but I would,” she said.

“Because I couldn’t imagine living like that again. I think freedom is something so many of us take for granted sometimes, but it is so much more peaceful than constantly living on edge in a DV relationship.

“And leaving really does take a lot of courage, and to get your family back on your feet again – it does take time and it does take determination. But yet again, if you’ve put up with DV, you’re already such a strong person.”

Now, Ms Cromwell, who is a White Ribbon Community Partner, is campaigning to limit economic abuse as a form of post-separation coercive control, enabling survivors of domestic violence to find financial stability.

Helping to solve domestic violence in Australia is about supporting charities like White Ribbon, but also supporting victim-survivors to rebuild their lives, she said.

“So whether that’s having tougher penalties in place, having stronger support systems, I think if we could do that we would find more victims leaving the abuse. But then we might find more perpetrators thinking twice about their actions too.”

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