James Weir: Other things we should actually cancel

Cancel culture has been turbocharged. Do you agree with putting all these annoying people in the bin?

Cancel culture was turbocharged this week and has provided us all an opportunity to clean the slate and start from scratch.

A number of films and TV programs have been deemed problematic lately and promptly tossed in the bin. This week Netflix scrubbed four of Chris Lilley’s shows from its streaming service for the Australian comedian’s use of blackface.

It was a similar story for UK satire Little Britain.

Gone With The Wind – long criticised for its racist depictions – was pulled temporarily from HBO Max so historical context can be added.

Regardless of whether you agree with the latest cancellations, the cancel phenomenon has gained freight train momentum and we have to jump on the opportunity so we can eradicate a whole bunch of other things that are just a headache to our daily lives.

This column has featured many suggested cancellations over recent months, but things can always be improved so let’s do another round of our new favourite game: Ya Cancelled!

Chris Lilley’s Jonah From Tonga is just one of his shows to be removed from Netflix.

Listen up people who are spamming us with throwback travel photos during isolation! There’s no daily content quota you need to meet, please cease-and-desist or go do something interesting that allows you to take a new photo. You’ve been cancelled just like your Jetstar flight to Bali.

Next!

Smug people pretending like they’re above Big Brother. We get it, you read novels and wear a monocle. Have fun sitting in your home library alone because you’re officially cancelled.

This one has gone on long enough: careless baristas who line up the sipping hole of the lid with the crease on the takeaway cup – leading to mass leakage when you drink your coffee. This may seem very specific but it’s a global issue and it’s time we spoke up. You’re cancelled, careless baristas! We also hate your weird indie music. Play some top 40.

Shop assistants who knock on the dressing room door when they can clearly see under the crack that you’ve just taken off your pants. It’s awkward and confronting and no wonder we’re all turning to online shopping.

While we’re on the topic of shopping centres: What’s with stern Westfield security guards wearing three piece suits and headsets? You’re guarding a Target, not the Pope. Cancelled.

People with dog leashes that are the length of a garden hose and allow the animal to run miles ahead while everyone else on the footpath has to leap over and dodge the rope. Ya cancelled! So is your dog.

Kids who hang out in groups on bicycles! I don’t care how old they are or what neighbourhood they’re in – nothing’s more threatening than a group of kids on bicycles. Even if they’re only in grade five, I will always assume they’re about to roll me. You’re cancelled, loitering youths!

Cocky hairdressers who ask you what style you want only to completely disregard it. And at the end, as you stare in the mirror while they ask if you like the haircut, you just nod because if you open your mouth to speak you’ll probably cry.

Ya cancelled.

Put down your monocle and flip on Big Brother.

A STUNNING EXAMPLE OF PUBLIC INTEREST JOURNALISM

In news that should’ve made today’s front page: the Hemsworths have finally worn shoes.

This column has valiantly waged a months-long campaign to get the Hemsworths into footwear after they were photographed constantly running around Byron Bay barefoot.

We were concerned and confused. We spoke – and they have listened.

I can confirm Chris and Elsa were photographed this week wearing shoes. Huge.

It seems the reason they caved to public pressure and finally wore shoes is because they went to lunch at Byron Bay’s Harvest restaurant.

Despite the apparent dress code, we reckon management still would’ve let Thor in barefoot.

Rolling updates will continue in this column if they lapse.

They’re probably ethically sourced eco shoes.

THE SHOW THAT SHOULDN’T WORK

The revamped Big Brother shouldn’t have worked but it did. After months of bad news and the world seeming like it’s about to explode, Big Brother provided the perfect inane escape we needed.

What was so interesting about it? Honestly, not much. But I think that’s the point.

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Three episodes were dedicated to a tea bag story arc. It was pretty complex, so, if you missed it, pay attention while I try to explain it: Some chick called Angela really wanted a tea bag and Big Brother refused to meet her demands. After a three day struggle, she was finally rewarded and got … teabagged?

We were all on the edge of our seat – even up until the final moment. Would she get teabagged?

No wonder scripted dramas in this country are dead – they just can’t compete with this kind of refined storytelling.

Twitter, Facebook, Instagram: @hellojamesweir

Ange gets teabagged.