Top 10 things New Zealand does better than Australia

IT’S somewhat foolhardy to ruin an otherwise pleasant new year by getting my head punched in.

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IT’S somewhat foolhardy to ruin an otherwise pleasant new year by getting my head punched in. But sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns or, in this case, the sheep by its ears, and say what you really think.

And what I really think (ducks) is that New Zealand is quietly trouncing us.

Not with its weather, which is reliably miserable, or with the Kiwis’ infuriating habit of replying to every question with “Yeah, nah.”

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But when the 4000th person, upon learning that I was born across the Tasman, asks: “Why are the All Blacks so good?” I feel compelled to speculate on the national psyche.

New Zealanders like themselves.

Unlike the Germans who have self-regard, or the Italians who are self-admiring, or the Americans who aren’t quite sure how great they are these days but will enthuse anyway, the kiwis exude quiet confidence and self-determination.

“So why are so many of them coming over here?” I hear you say.

Well, they’re not.

Whereas they used to flock across the ditch, prompting former PM Robert Muldoon to distastefully remark that they “raised the IQ of both countries”, the migration rate has slowed considerably.

Kiwis are staying home where they’re enjoying a strong economy, low unemployment, a stable government and terms of trade at a 40-year high.

And those boys in black just keep winning.

So what are they doing right?

Here, 10 things we could learn from our kiwi neighbours (ducks again):

1. They don’t have Attention Deficit Disorder when it comes to Prime Ministers.

In recent years they’ve played a long game politically.

John Key has just begun his third term while Helen Clark enjoyed nine years as the country’s first elected woman Prime Minister.

Whereas Julia Gillard has largely sunk without trace, Clark is being touted as the next head of the United Nations.

2. They believe in firm consequences.

When All Black Aaron Cruden missed a flight to Argentina following a drinking session he was dropped from three tests and told to stay home.

Upon returning to the squad he was benched for a match because his replacement was playing so well.

Compare it to the shenanigans over Kurtley Beale whose text message scandal rumbled on leading to two resignations, a $45,000 fine and the most turbulent episode in Australian rugby history.

3. They sell themselves.

As Australia has flailed with Lara Bingle, dated expletives and a string of “best jobs in the world” for freeloaders, New Zealand has sold itself on “100 per cent Pure New Zealand” since 1999.

No visitor is in any doubt of the splendour offered.

Air New Zealand’s in-flight videos featuring the All Blacks and The Hobbit have gone viral on YouTube.

It’s a case of knowing who you are and what you’re proud of: we seem to have no bloody idea.

4. When they boast “homemade” they mean it.

Sure, the wine is excellent, the craft beer, well, beery, and coffee is the national religion after rugby — although the growing health trend for “quarter shots” is bonkers.

But it’s at morning and afternoon tea they truly excel.

Not for them the mass-produced hydrogenated muffins and fridge-odoured caramel slices that fill our cafes.

Using the century-old Edmonds baking bible, they make scones and slices from scratch.

5. Women play sport.

Of course they play it here too but you’d never know from watching television.

In NZ, netball is not only broadcast live but its stars, along with golfer Lydia Ko and shot putter Valerie Adams, also appear in the glossies.

Here you only make a mag if you’ve had a juicy marriage breakup (Lisa Curry), a drug scandal (Chantelle Newbery) or a dodgy text message exchange (Nova Peris).

6. They’re thrillseekers.

Whereas you can’t visit a beach or a pool in Australia without a sign warning you against every possible activity short of breathing, New Zealanders view any body of water as the means to adrenalin.

Having had the imagination to tie an elastic rope to their feet and jump, they developed extreme flying foxes, mega swings and the sort of jetboating that leaves your stomach in your mouth. While caving I was encouraged to close my eyes and fall backwards into the water because “you probably won’t bang your head.”

7. Race relations matter.

Grievances are redressed through the Treaty of Waitangi, Maori culture is upheld in schools where the national anthem is sung in both languages, and to have “mana” (honour and respect) is to have it all.

8. They don’t see gay marriage as a threat.

And so they legalised it. Full stop.

9.There’s no special favours.

Whereas we continued to endorse MPs who misused their cab charge allowance, compared women’s genitalia to molluscs and used union money to pay for prostitutes, a NZ cabinet minister was fined $2000 in November after he bypassed airport security to board a flight.

10. Their coins make sense.

The $2 is larger than the $1 and the 5 cent was withdrawn.

It’s not enough to make you move there — the mango prices are exorbitant and the accent sucks, sorry, sux — but credit where it’s due.

Anyway, I can’t go back — I love it here and the kids are true blue.