You need to talk to your kids about porn

SORRY. The condom on the banana doesn’t cut it anymore. We need to talk about porn. Here’s how all the awkwardness went down at Em Rusciano’s house.

I believe it is time for pornography to be discussed in homes and high schools across Australia.

You may address your emails of complaint to: [e-mail]

The pervasiveness of online pornography is now one of the biggest parenting challenges those of us with teenagers face. It’s almost impossible for them to avoid. One poorly spelled word into Google and BOOM your kid could be knee-deep in a naked, mini tramp, leather cape, gimp mask situation.

One wrong (or right) click and who knows what these teenage boys are looking at!

Don’t get me wrong, on a scale of one to I’d-rather-have-my-eyeballs-dug-out-with-a-blunt-spoon, having this conversation with my kid is one I’d prefer to avoid. But the reality of the internet and why it was actually invented (shopping, porn and cat videos) means I no longer can.

I’m sorry you guys, but we need to start talking to our kids about porn.

Take a deep breath, it’s going to be OK.

Straight after I tell you that 90% of kids aged between 8-16 have seen pornography at least once and that boys aged between 12-17 are THE LARGEST CONSUMERS OF ONLINE PORN. Yep, your son. I know, deep breaths ... We’ll get through this together.

There is a Danish professor (because of course he is) that is calling for pornography to be critiqued in classrooms to allow students to critically analyse the “movies” in an academic setting. Professor Christian Graugaard says that our teens need to be taught the difference between expectations of their own sexual behaviour and what they see on screen. What is real vs. what is entertainment.

Professor Graugaard said during a radio interview: “Young people, like the rest of us, are part of a sexualised postmodern society, what I am proposing is that we reinvent sex education in the classroom. Rather than focusing on the technical disease-related or biological aspects of sex, we should also use this platform to discuss and show other phenomena, such as pornography, taught by trained teachers, so that young people can develop a critical approach to what they are seeing.”

I totally agree with him. Having them put a condom on a banana is no longer going to cut it. I personally don’t think they need to actually watch them at school, but I do agree the imagery needs to be discussed and properly understood. Obviously this would need to be a joint venture between parents and the school and ultimately it would be up to you but I truly believe we need to explore it.

The reality is, there is a very good chance your child will build their sexual awareness, expectations and experiences from watching explicit, online content. Don’t you think that is something that should be openly discussed? Are you quite happy for your teenager to watch those movies and think that’s how sex actually is? On the most basic level you’re setting them up for a world of disappointment when the time comes for them to actually get naked with another human. “What?! Where is the music, strap ons and multiple orgasms?” they’ll wonder as they fumble awkwardly in a haze of sweaty anxiety.

I think sex education from both schools and parents that doesn’t address pornography is negligent and in the long run will produce some pretty warped sexual attitudes from future generations.

Christ YES it will be uncomfortable, unbearable and down right traumatising (for us) but that is a lot of parenting isn’t it?! Now I’m not saying you need to sit your teenager down and have a family viewing of Pirates of the Perineum or Grinding Nemo or Les Jizzerables for the musical fans. I do however think that the topic should be broached in a casual manner.

Here is how it went down at my house word for word:

Me: “Babes, lets talk about porn. What do you know? What have you seen? How did it make you feel? You know it’s not real life? Pool guys don’t actually do that.”

13: “Mum! I know enough to know it’s gross. I’ve seen things ... I know. I’ve also learned not to click on hashtags on Insta.”

Me: “Hashtags?! I never even thought of that. Like what?! I mean if you see the hashtag #dickpic you know that is exactly what you’re going to get?!”

13: “YEEEESSSSS!”

Me: “You know that the women in those films are, well they’re hairless and perfect and plastic and that isn’t what’s expected of you. Pubic hair is perfectly acceptable. As long as it’s not, you know, poking out the side of your bathers like koala ears. Even then, whatever you want. Pubes are A OK!”

13: “OH MY GOD! Please, make it stop. I know. Just stop ... I KNOW!”

Me: “I mean you probably going to end up with a boy who has seen A LOT of porn given the current climate. Do you think they need to be told these things at school? That you should all be discussing this properly, out in the open?”

13: “Yeah … It would be funny and embarrassing but … Yeah … Probably. Can you please STOP now?!”

It was hard for both of us but worthwhile in the end. Actually, I enjoyed making her uncomfortable. My 13-year-old is usually so unflappable and knowledgeable. Don’t judge me ...

For some of you, I am saying things that deep down you already know and perhaps have already put into practice — good for you! For those of you in a world of pain right now I urge you not to storm into your kid’s room after reading this and set their iPad on fire before slapping them in an iron chastity belt (which I accept a lot of you would be wanting to do right about now).

The absolute truth is: if you have an internet connection and a teenager this is a very real issue, one you simply cannot ignore. You need to be brave, like Private Ryan was in the stirring blockbuster: Shaving Ryan’s Privates.

WAIT! I mean Saving Private Ryan.

Sorry, so sorry ...

Good luck!

Writer Em Rusciano.

Em Rusciano is a comedian, writer, singer and regular News.com.au columnist. You can follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.