Stories from stay-at-home dads

BEING a full-time, stay-at-home-parent is not an easy job, but these dads love every sleep-deprived minute.

ben robertson

BEING a full-time, stay-at-home-parent is not an easy job, but these dads love every sleep-deprived minute.

Just who will rear the children is no longer a decision based on gender for many couples. Economics is playing a role, with many mums heading off to the office while the dads are left to deal with tantrums, toilet training and tidying up.

A study by the University of Western Sydney has found there is still a stigma attached to stay-at-home dads. The preliminary findings revealed while men cherished looking after their kids, some found it isolating or were criticised, particularly by their own fathers.

Researcher Deborah Wilmore says despite the negatives, all of the men in the study described it as a wonderful experience, whether they ended up at home by choice, job loss or illness.

"They see the relationship they build with their children as priceless," Wilmore says.

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-- "Staying home is the best thing I've done but it's also the hardest"

Ben Robertson, 42, is a former journalist turned author. His latest book, Hear Me Roar (Penguin), is about his experiences raising Fergus, 6, and Henry, 4. His wife Darlene, 41, works in property. She had a third child, Georgia, earlier this year.

"Staying home is the best thing I have ever done but it's also the hardest. Darlene earns more than me, so she went back to work. I remember the first day [she went back], she was very upset and I was overwhelmed because I was left holding a six-month-old baby. I had planned to do some writing, but I was naive thinking I would get much done during the day.

"Those first years were difficult. There were times when I was down. My father died a couple of years into it and the isolation, sleep deprivation and the demands of raising children can leave you vulnerable. It took me about a year to come out the other side.

"I still find it hard admitting I am a stay-at-home dad. You feel like other men are judging you and see it as a cop out being at home.

"At a barbecue, my son hurt himself and he wanted me. I saw looks from other people. It was a difficult moment for Darlene.

"She has given up a lot for the family, so when she goes back to work this time, we'll try to organise things so she has more time with the kids. I might go back to work part-time."

-- "All that matters is that my kids are happy"

Paul Hefferan, 48, a computer programmer, is a stay-at-home dad to Jack, 3. His wife Effie Lee, 40, a vet pathologist, gave birth to their daughter Tia three months ago.

"Effie had better work prospects, so it just made sense for me to stay at home.

"She had a traumatic delivery with Jack and so for the first few weeks I pretty much had to do everything, except for breastfeeding of course. It was a good trial run. When Effie went back to work, it put some stress on our marriage initially. It was hard for her having two dependents, but we got over it.

"Jack and I are tightly bonded. As he got past 18 months, he started to look for his mum more which was good. I often wonder if he is a shrewd little diplomat.

"We keep a busy schedule - playgroup, kinder gym and swimming lessons. People are pretty good; I probably get strange looks because I am older than most of the parents. My own family are happy for me. I am so lucky I get to spend time with my little bloke during one of the most interesting periods developmentally.

"Effie is going back to work pretty much full time in January so I'll be looking after both kids and I might be studying as well.

"It will be tough but I'm getting better at it. My cooking's improved. My housekeeping's not brilliant but my priority is the kids - as long as they're safe and happy, that's all that matters."

-- "My friends think I have it easy"

Matthew Wilkie, 35, a former tiler, is now the primary carer to Sophie, 2. His wife Anna, 37, runs a bedding and homewares franchise. The couple is expecting another baby in October.

"Tiling is pretty hard on the body and I had plans to get out. Anna had a business opportunity and Sophie came along - so it all just coincided. I'd already been a hands-on dad as Anna broke her ankle when Sophie was eight weeks old. She went back to work a few months later.

"Sophie and I pop into the store most days, which I think helps a lot. The other day I cooked some pikelets, fresh cream and jam and we took them to Anna.

"I do my housework like I'm running a business, so when Anna gets home it's all done and all she has to do is play with Sophie.

"My family are supportive but my friends are jealous. They think I have it easy - they don't realise the work involved.

"I am president of our playgroup. There are two other men but the majority are women. I haven't found it a problem - we swap advice just like everyone else.

"The greatest joy is the relationship with my daughter; she is my best little friend."

More: Do stay-at-home dads do it tougher?