Is masturbation the secret to an enjoyable birth? Really?

WELL this is new. A woman claims she’s found the secret to an enjoyable birth: Masturbation. Em Rusciano goes to town. (No, not that way.)

I LOVE a good life hack, don’t you? One of my favourites is to put masking tape in the microwave for a couple of seconds to soften the end for easy use.

Genius.

Well I have a new hack for all of you out there about to give birth, and you’re going to love it. Here it is: While you’re in the throes of labour, panting, swearing and questioning all that you hold dear, why not try masturbating?

Yes, you read that right. As your baby crowns, you need to go to town ... On yourself.

At least that’s what Melbourne mum of two Angela Gallo says you should do. When I came across her recommendation I must admit I was sceptical. However this is a safe space to encourage different thinking and ideas so I thought I would investigate her advice further.

Obviously I can’t try it as I’m not pregnant, which to be honest isn’t the only thing stopping me going method on this one, but I did track her blog down and read it with great interest.

In a post entitled Why I touched myself in labour — here’s three reasons why you should consider it too! (I love a catchy title, and that, friends, is a traffic stopper, yes?) Angela talks about why masturbation and birth all makes sense:

“The hormones, sensations, the anatomy involved, brain activity, receptors ... they are all so heavily intertwined. Our vulvas swell, blood flow is increased, we moan, sway our hips, deep breathing, sweat — we drop into a seriously sacred intimate space. Heck, women around the world are experiencing orgasmic childbirth. I wanted to make sure I had a piece of that pie!”

Hold up. Women experiencing orgasmic childbirth?! WHERE? HOW?! I will need names and numbers please.

I mean good for them, but still. ORGASMIC CHILDBIRTH? My vagina was feeling many things during my birthing experiences — trauma, forceps, a human head pressing against it — but there was nothing 50 Shades of Grey style going on down there. It certainly gives a whole new meaning to the term “red room” now, doesn’t it?

She goes on:

“Masturbation made the MOST sense to me as I laboured through my surges. I remember my husband saying, ‘Would you like to have sex?’ And although I couldn’t commit to sex in the moment, he must have read my mind!”

SOFT! Why couldn’t you commit to sex Ang? I mean it’s not like you had something else taking up space in your vagina. Oh wait, yes you did, you had a WHOLE F**KING INFANT! If the father of my children had have offered sex during my labour I can categorically state there would’ve been a delivery room homicide.

Yep, that would have been Em’s reaction. Thanks Katherine Heigl.

Ang continues:

“Clitoral stimulation worked an absolute TREAT. It shifted my focus to my vagina, to the energy brewing within me. It made me feel connected, and made me feel like I had some control over what I was feeling. The surges were much more manageable, and the rest between them was so much more enjoyable.”

This is where she won me over, I’m all for empowering a woman no matter where she is. Who am I to critique how a lady person goes through the most visceral, intense and life changing occurrence she will ever experience?

Perhaps midwives should think about stocking the labour room with some added features. Soothing whale music? Check. Scented candles? Check! Rechargeable Clitoral Stimulator? Check! I can see it now: The defibrillator and vibrators hanging side by side.

Next she moved on to the reasons she recommends this course of action. If you have come this far I know you are interested in learning more.

1. WHAT GETS THE BABY IN GETS THE BABY OUT

“Nipple, vaginal, clitoral stimulation, kissing, intimacy, affection; these all inspire the flow of our hormonal allies in birth. Experiencing a ‘stalled’ or lengthy labour? Need a natural pick me up? Touch yourself, mama! It gets the good stuff flowing.”

2. PAIN RELIEF

“Ever had a headache, or been hung-over, or couldn’t sleep; and you instinctively decided on a mini-masturbation sesh? And then voila — headache magically gone? Well — many of us do it. And that’s because it works. So why would it be any different to using clitoral stimulation in during/between contractions?”

3. IT FEELS GOOD

“Mood boost, anyone? Want to feel more relaxed? You know that dopey, satisfied, tired feeling you can after an orgasm ... that’s it right there.

You may feel tense, anxious, stressed, unable to rest, mind racing — bring it back to basics with some deliciously luscious clitoral love.”

So there you have it. Convinced?! No, me neither. But like I said earlier, each to their own ... Vagina.

I’m just going to stick to the life hacks of using bread tags to separate hangers in my wardrobe for more space, hand sanitiser to remove ink stains from clothes and cutting up toilet rolls to store loose chords in.

More power to you Angela. I do not sit in judgment, I sit in awe and admiration.

Em Rusciano is a comedian, writer, singer and regular news.com.au columnist. You can follow her on Facebook.