How on Earth did Kate do it?

IT’S official. Kate is the World Champion of post-birth bounce-backs. Em Rusciano ponders how Kate was so radiant 10 hours after pushing out a baby.

Britain's Prince William and Kate, Duchess of Cambridge and their newborn baby princess, pose for the media as they leave St. Mary's Hospital's exclusive Lindo Wing, London, Saturday, May 2, 2015. Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, gave birth to a baby girl on Saturday morning. (AP Photo/Kirsty Wigglesworth)

NO doubt you’ve heard the news that the Commonwealth has a teeny tiny new princess. Yes Kate and Wills have welcomed their second child, precious baby *Sheniqua into the world, and I for one couldn’t be happier for them.

OK so that’s not *exactly* her name, however in lieu of them telling us what it is, I feel I’m well within my rights to pick one for the purposes of this column. She obviously needs something sassy as Kate seems pretty hip and with it.

As is tradition, the Duke and Duchess presented the baby to the world on some fancy steps. As I watched and wondered if the royals had engaged a wave coach to teach Kate her technique, I heard a royal watcher/commentator chirp: “Just a mere 10 hours after giving birth, the Duchess is here with Prince William looking radiant.”

UPDATE: ROYAL BABY NAMED CHARLOTTE

WHAT THE ACTUAL WHAT NOW?!

Did that woman just say, yes I think she did say: 10 hours after squeezing baby Princess Sheniqua out of her lady parts (and this kid isn’t exactly a light weight, we’re talking almost 9 pounds of human) Kate looked like this:

How does one learn how to wave like that? (AP Photo/Matt Dunham)

Ten hours after I gave birth I was laying flat on my back, afraid my internal organs were going to slide out of me, crying with leaking boobs and a sweaty back. This is what I looked like.

Here’s what I looked like 10 hours after giving birth.

Who wore birth better?

From what I can gather using my sources (Google) the Duchess arrived at the Hospital at 6am, gave birth at 8:30am and appeared smiling and perfectly put together at 6pm on the steps of the famous Lindo Wing.

How did she do it, why did she do it and HOW DID SHE DO IT?!

Obviously everything went well, baby and Mum were both exceptionally healthy and given the go ahead to return to their palace. I know of women who’ve bounced back the very next day and were home tucked up in their own beds 48 hours after giving birth. And I imagine Kate has a birth pit crew run with military precision and a couple of nannies on standby should she need to attend to pressing business.

Members of Kate’s pit crew: Private Secretary Rebecca Deacon and Nanny Maria Borrallo. (Photo by Ryan Pierse/Getty Images)

Her personal hairstylist was on hand at the hospital straight after the birth to brush and hot iron her glorious mane, because nothing wrecks a blow wave like afterbirth, am I right?! A bespoke frock had been whipped up by designer Jenny Packham to cover that nasty birth weight she best be losing by the end of the week. It is almost summer in England so that gives her roughly three weeks to get bikini body ready. Pffft, that’s ages.

Make no mistake I’m completely in awe of her, I’m not here to judge or put a sister down. But when I saw Kate on the steps I admit to having an overwhelming urge to give her a big hug and whisk her away to a place where soft grey trackie pants, freshly baked goods and packet of Tena Ladies would be waiting. Even though she was smiling if you really paid attention to her eyes, and looked deep within her soul she looked bone tired. She looked like she’d, oh I don’t know: PUSHED A 3KG BABY OUT OF HER VAGINA 10 HOURS EARLIER!

We know you were tired Kate. AFP PHOTO / JOHN STILLWELL

Who on EARTH felt it would be a good idea for Kate to do that only 10 hours after giving life to another person?! Is it our fault? The media knows of our insatiable appetite when it comes to royal births, did she feel pressure to make this appearance so that she could go home and lock herself away with baby Sheniqua?

I don’t know about you but after I had both my babies I just wanted to build a doona fort and shut the world out. My only desire was to snuggle, smell their heads and marvel at their teensy fingers and toes. Not get my hair did, pop on a white frock (the stain potential on that dress choice alone from all the bodily fluids attempting to escape every pore blows my tiny mind) and share my baby before I really knew her.

I’m also worried that there were hundreds of thousand of new Mothers out there who saw Kate and compared themselves to her. Ladies please don’t, she is the World and Olympic champion of post birth bounce backs. You don’t have her support team or pelvic floor muscles it would appear. If you’ve not left the house yet and your child is 3, that is still OK! Let’s not make this a competitive sport OK? PROMISE ME.

So in summary, well done Kate, you’re a true warrior. I just hope you’re taking some time with Baby Sheniqua to reflect on the wonderful thing you’ve done. I hope you’ve had a cleansing cry and OH GOD we all remember that first post baby bowel movement right? Even the royal Vag has to go through that one!