The real challenge of caring for someone with a mental illness

IF SOMEONE you love has a mental illness, chances are there’s one sentence you feel you can’t say. It’s about time we said it out loud, writes Rachel Corbett.

It’s not easy caring for someone with a mental illness. And it should be OK to say that out loud.

UNTIL fairly recently, mental illness was a taboo subject.

Thankfully we’ve come a long way in opening up the conversation, but as we gain greater understanding and respect for sufferers there’s a collective voice still going unheard — the voice of the carer.

For those in a supporting role the road can be long, stressful and if you’re not careful, debilitating. And while we’re focused on increasing understanding and acceptance it can feel like you’re not allowed to say: “It sucks to be the loved one of someone with mental illness.”

I say this as one of those people. My two main experiences have been with Alzheimers and depression. Watching my mother battle Alzheimers was horrible but the fact she had no control over her mind meant that nothing ever felt personal. With depression on the other hand, even when you understand the science behind it, if someone you love refuses to take care of themselves it can feel incredibly personal.

In life you’re told to cut someone loose if they’re hurting you but what if that person is your father or mother or sister and they’re suffering depression? When that’s the case, walking away isn’t an option but the effects of staying can be devastating.

Registered psychotherapist, Zoe Krupka, says people caring for a loved one often spend so much time helping them, they forget to focus on their own needs.

“Their biggest problem is thinking they should be able to fix the person,” says Zoe. “While at the same time, completely denying it’s having an impact on them.”

So how do you protect yourself and make sure you don’t get dragged into the hole with the person you’re trying to help?

DON’T DO MORE THAN YOU CAN

Trying to live your life as well as the life of someone who won’t take care of themselves isn’t sustainable.

“It’s important to only do things you feel OK doing and that you’re not overly depleted by,” says Zoe. “Depression is a marathon, not a sprint and you don’t want to be going through cycles of rescuing and resentment because the depressed person will feel that.”

DON’T PRETEND EVERYTHING IS OK

Blaming the person is never helpful but neither is hiding the truth. “It’s important to say ‘I love you but this is a struggle for me, not necessarily because of the depression but because you’re not getting help,” says Zoe.

While there is always risk around having a conversation with someone who sees life through a filter of shame or worthlessness, Zoe suggests pretending you’re not impacted may seem like you don’t care. Plus, that frustration is bound to leak out somewhere else in the relationship and the last thing you want the person feeling is that they’re a burden.

GET SUPPORT

Depression affects everyone around the person and it’s easy to overlook how much pressure and stress this is causing in your own life. It’s important to look after yourself mentally and this means having somewhere to talk openly about the situation and how difficult it is.

“Not only do you need somewhere to go for advice but you need somewhere to vent, because you can’t vent to the depressed person,” says Zoe.

REALISE THEIR RECOVERY IS NOT UP TO YOU

Trying to help someone with depression when they won’t help themselves is like hitting your head against a brick wall. It takes some mental rewiring but you have to realise that while you can be there for them and challenge their distorted views of themselves, you can’t fix them.

“People get better because they decide they need help and you can’t do that for them no matter much you love them.” Says Zoe.

The voice of the carer is one we need to hear more from as we increase our understanding of

mental illness and its impacts. Depression affects many people and while it should be OK to admit you suffer from it, it should also be OK to admit that living with it sucks.

If you or someone you love is in crisis or needs support, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.

Follow Rachel Corbett on Twitter, Facebook or at her website www.rachelcorbett.com.au.